In this generation,
You have to mature
Quick like lightning
I'm not the way I used to be
Full of those childish dreams
8 years old
Dreaming of university
Where I would learn and study philosophy
At 9, pondered my family
And what it means to have sanity
Aged 10, never get into fights
Asking what is the afterlife?
11, came and went
Questioning morality, religion, faith
Prepared to fight
For the human race
12, in desperation
Maybe I'm not as special
as I used to think
An angel sent from heaven
13 now, what an age
Used to wish that I could fly away
To some alien spaceship in outer space
My tears have come to stay
Wanna learn the guitar
Not so sure anymore if I'll go so far
But I know how to live
In a world such as this
Morning, noon, and night
I'll try my best
To stay alive
Get up early
Don't stay up too late
Get plenty of exercise.
'How are you doing?' I hear people say
I'm doing amazing, thank you
But truthfully,
I'm not sure anymore
About this emptiness inside
Keep on asking:
What if there is no heaven
Or paradise
What will happen, if I die
Return to dust
Like nothing happened
Ashes,
Simply disappear, lost in translation
I used to find comfort in the thought of death
I could be reborn
I could start again
But now, it seems like there's nothing there anymore
No great destiny
No fruit of justice to bare
So I grip onto life
With every last breath
And will dread when my times finally arrives
The sky has abandoned me
and, I find,
That there's only me
And my thoughts
And this empty shell
Of light
But its okay
I don't know what I want to do
When I'm all grown up and wiser
Used to want to do every job
Now I want to do nothing
But sing and dance
Because even if it's just me
And my thoughts alone out here
A buoyancy among a flood of lies
I am enough,
To keep hope near
I am enough to light the way
I don't need the stars above.
I don't need a crucifix
To ward off demons and unholy angels
I am enough
To turn the tables
I am all that you need,
To keep your heart sweet
And to keep away from evil
Even in this empty shell of light
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi there, illy!
I thought this was an interesting poem! At first it seems more like a straightforward and direct narrative, but the figurative language and images soon come flying in. From what I gather, the theme seems to be growing up, and how lofty ambitions change into something more individual and personal.
Language
There seems to be an interesting mix of theological/ religious imagery with images of nature and the cosmos! I like how in the lines below, you juxtapose the "angel
with the "alien spaceship". I can't say for sure what it means, but it is a jarring transition that conveys the poem's overall idea of changing as your grow up.
I noticed you used "Quick like lightning" early on in the poem. I'm not sure if this is part of the nature motifs like "empty shell of light" and "flood of lies" that are peppered throughout the poem, or if it's a usage of a common expression. It definitely isn't a bad description even if it's the second case, but just as a note, it can help make poems more vivid if you either expand 'common' or 'clichéd' sayings or avoid using them in favour of a new image.
I do love how mundane these activities are in contrast with the previous lines.
Structure
I like how there seems to be a 'fading' effect with the lines and caesurae here! The sudden one-word line "Ashes" really emphasises the sense of something crumbling.
The repetition of "empty" was something I didn't quite notice on my first reading, but realised it a bit later. I do find it surprised me a bit, since it seems there's so much going on in the speaker's head, that 'empty' is an odd way to describe it. But then I read it over again and tried to fit the pieces together to say maybe all these things seem meaningless, which is certainly an interesting nuance that fits in with the final message as well.
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
Thank you so much for your review and I'm glad that you found it interesting.
Nice poem! To me this felt more like a rap than a poem, but I guess one could argue that those are the same thing. Anyways, I'm not here to discuss the difference between music and poetry, so let's talk about your poem. First of all I like the how the person changes as they grow older and their thoughts start to develop and change. I also like your usage of metaphors, such as here.
Also those are big dreams for an 8 year old! Good for you! I like how at the start it's nice thoughts and it slowly becomes more and more negative. I can't find much to critique you on at the moment, so I'll just end the review here! Great poem! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Thank you so much for your review
Hi!
I love this poem - you really explore the motions of life here. I love your imagery also, you feel as though that you are the speaker reciting this poem and experiencing these emotions that you are discussing. Your language is brilliant - you have crafted a very meaningful, deep and poignant poem here - maybe you could even develop these ideas that you illustrate and convey here into a short story about identity and self perception - showing that how you perceive yourself is important to maintaining PMA. I honestly have no suggestions for imporvement - it's a beautifully and emotionally crafted poem so well done! I look forward to reading more of your work soon, and keep writing
Thank you so much for your reveiw