Hi there, illy!
I thought this was an interesting poem! At first it seems more like a straightforward and direct narrative, but the figurative language and images soon come flying in. From what I gather, the theme seems to be growing up, and how lofty ambitions change into something more individual and personal.
Language
There seems to be an interesting mix of theological/ religious imagery with images of nature and the cosmos! I like how in the lines below, you juxtapose the "angel
with the "alien spaceship". I can't say for sure what it means, but it is a jarring transition that conveys the poem's overall idea of changing as your grow up.
An angel sent from heaven
13 now, what an age
Used to wish that I could fly away
To some alien spaceship in outer space
I noticed you used "Quick like lightning" early on in the poem. I'm not sure if this is part of the nature motifs like "empty shell of light" and "flood of lies" that are peppered throughout the poem, or if it's a usage of a common expression. It definitely isn't a bad description even if it's the second case, but just as a note, it can help make poems more vivid if you either expand 'common' or 'clichéd' sayings or avoid using them in favour of a new image.
Get up early
Don't stay up too late
Get plenty of exercise.
I do love how mundane these activities are in contrast with the previous lines.
Structure
Return to dust
Like nothing happened
Ashes,
Simply disappear, lost in translation
I like how there seems to be a 'fading' effect with the lines and caesurae here! The sudden one-word line "Ashes" really emphasises the sense of something crumbling.
And this empty shell
. . .
Even in this empty shell of light
The repetition of "empty" was something I didn't quite notice on my first reading, but realised it a bit later. I do find it surprised me a bit, since it seems there's so much going on in the speaker's head, that 'empty' is an odd way to describe it. But then I read it over again and tried to fit the pieces together to say maybe all these things seem meaningless, which is certainly an interesting nuance that fits in with the final message as well.
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
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