Hi, Manilla here for a review. I'll start by analyzing your poem from a reader's POV. Let's get into it!
Waves goodbye,
necks snap and break.
Like lockets cracked-
identities renamed
This first stanza is confusing. In imagery, you must be careful to make sure you're painting a clear picture with a symbolic purpose. What is waving goodbye? Are the waves doing so themselves? I'm not sure how the image in the second line connects to the third, and how the third goes to the fourth. After several reads I'm not sure what you're exactly trying to say, but I do know that lockets typically carry pictures of people in them, and that could trace to the identities being lost/renamed. Otherwise, lots of unclearness.
hung from our chests,
chains sweet in scent
scraping and grinding our delicate skin;
Condescende,
raindrops of broken mirrors
opal eyes stare back at our reflection.
Firstly, I know you're talking about the lockets again, but it would be best to refer again to them or change the formatting to better portray what you're talking about (which is very difficult to in YWS, and I recognize that...). The third line speaks more to the topic you talked about in your description, and I like that! I see that these broken lockets/fractured identities weigh a burden (physical and mental) on the subject the speaker is talking about. And given the "delicate" I can assume not far off that these are younger people.
The "condescende" feels out of place, however. Do you mean "condescend" or "condescended"? Either way, that word doesn't belong. The last two lines present a pretty image, a soul-reckoning, maybe, but I wish you could press deeper into the idea you have there. Maybe...whose opal eyes? *Our* reflection? Very interesting you described the broken mirrors as raindrops, though!
Half- lit, we strive
leaping towards fluorescent desperation.
These lights shine too brightly-
a saviour among creation.
We sing and lie like hidden gems
Tucked away, scraps of sawdust
in the carpenter's nest
Woah - an intriguing scene. The population described in the first two stanzas is lost in forgotten in another light's shadow, because whatever they seek is too far out of reach.
Nitpick here: quick comma after "strive" to keep the punctuation consistent. A new image appears, and that's of light. There are many symbolic meanings that go along with it, but if it weren't for your description of the poem, I wouldn't be sure what those lights mean, and especially, it's important to know how it connects to mirrors/lockets/broken glass. Each metaphor must have significance. Each metaphor must tie in to a larger story.
But I wanted to say that this stanza is my favorite by far, and really demonstrates an ability to be unique with words! Far too often younger poets (me included) lack originality in how they play with words, but even without fancy words you tell a tale.
I hope this review wasn't too overbearing for you - But keep writing, and you will improve greatly. Keep up the great work!
-Manilla
Points: 110
Reviews: 121
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