Waves goodbye,
necks snap and break.
Like lockets cracked-
identities renamed
~~~~
hung from our chests,
chains sweet in scent
scraping and grinding our delicate skin;
Condescende,
raindrops of broken mirrors
opal eyes stare back at our reflection.
~~~~~~
Half- lit, we strive
leaping towards fluorescent desperation.
These lights shine too brightly-
a saviour among creation.
We sing and lie like hidden gems
Tucked away, scraps of sawdust
in the carpenter's nest
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi, Manilla here for a review. I'll start by analyzing your poem from a reader's POV. Let's get into it!
This first stanza is confusing. In imagery, you must be careful to make sure you're painting a clear picture with a symbolic purpose. What is waving goodbye? Are the waves doing so themselves? I'm not sure how the image in the second line connects to the third, and how the third goes to the fourth. After several reads I'm not sure what you're exactly trying to say, but I do know that lockets typically carry pictures of people in them, and that could trace to the identities being lost/renamed. Otherwise, lots of unclearness.
Firstly, I know you're talking about the lockets again, but it would be best to refer again to them or change the formatting to better portray what you're talking about (which is very difficult to in YWS, and I recognize that...). The third line speaks more to the topic you talked about in your description, and I like that! I see that these broken lockets/fractured identities weigh a burden (physical and mental) on the subject the speaker is talking about. And given the "delicate" I can assume not far off that these are younger people.
The "condescende" feels out of place, however. Do you mean "condescend" or "condescended"? Either way, that word doesn't belong. The last two lines present a pretty image, a soul-reckoning, maybe, but I wish you could press deeper into the idea you have there. Maybe...whose opal eyes? *Our* reflection? Very interesting you described the broken mirrors as raindrops, though!
Woah - an intriguing scene. The population described in the first two stanzas is lost in forgotten in another light's shadow, because whatever they seek is too far out of reach.
Nitpick here: quick comma after "strive" to keep the punctuation consistent. A new image appears, and that's of light. There are many symbolic meanings that go along with it, but if it weren't for your description of the poem, I wouldn't be sure what those lights mean, and especially, it's important to know how it connects to mirrors/lockets/broken glass. Each metaphor must have significance. Each metaphor must tie in to a larger story.
But I wanted to say that this stanza is my favorite by far, and really demonstrates an ability to be unique with words! Far too often younger poets (me included) lack originality in how they play with words, but even without fancy words you tell a tale.
I hope this review wasn't too overbearing for you - But keep writing, and you will improve greatly. Keep up the great work!
-Manilla
Thanks so much for your review, sorry if it was kinda confusing, I'll do my best to edit it and provide further context! Xx
And thank you for taking it well :,) I definitely went way too harsh when there were really promising parts of your piece!
Aww thanks that's no trouble:)
Heya friend,
so Imma review whilst I am not at school lol (yes I refused to go in cus I was late and I didn't wanna walk in on my own...yes my mum don't really care xd) so let's get into it!!!
Waves goodbye,
necks snap and break.
Like lockets cracked-
identities renamed
Wow, what a great start: these lines give so much imagery! I like the sudden 'cracked' and how the 2nd and 3rd lines are frantic but the 1st and last line are calm and tranquil!
hung from our chests,
chains sweet in scent
scraping and grinding our delicate skin;
Again, beautiful start to the second stanza...the imagery is great once again and I can almost feel the words. 'Scraping and grinding' give a good bit of feeling to the poem. I can imagine and sense the pure discomfort of the protagonist within your writing. I love that!!
raindrops of broken mirrors
opal eyes stare back at our reflection.
This part is also a great. The mirrors give a sense of no self love or low self esteem as when you look into mirrors, you either like or dislike what you see in your reflection ; the mood is quite dark so you would think this would display something negative.
Opal eyes signify hope and innocence, so the reader might be able to think "What has this person done?" to look in the mirror however be so faithful.
These lights shine too brightly-
a saviour among creation.
These lines are stunning! The antonym of bright is dark, right? So if something is too bright then our eyes could be used to dark terrorizing sights. Again, the reader would think "What has this person done?" to be viewing the world or their society as such.
We sing and lie like hidden gems
Tucked away, scraps of sawdust
in the carpenter's nest
These lines have a lot of imagery! You think of undiscovered gems and their current worth. So not much? The reader would be thinking: worthless until they are found and displayed to be seen as so much more. Maybe you did this intentionally to make the reader think of the main characters shy personality, or maybe you just said this because it sounded decent and helped the fluidity in this piece.
Overall, I absolutely loved this piece of writing, it was obviously very well thought out and had a great effect on the reader. Not much critic except to make it longer...I NEED MORE!
Carry on writing my friend, you have a talent that not many people have in this digital world,
Love Rubes x
Thanks for the very kind review and you provided me insights that I didn't even realise until I read your comment! Many thanks!