I'm feeling in the mood for sadness today
I'll order one scoop of laziness
And another scoop of self-doubt
And uhhh...
Let me think
Aha!
One scoop of vanity
Depression is a snack after-all
An indulgent one at that
Delicious on my lips
The price?
A bad day, you say
Why sure I have plenty
You don't take cash?
I don't have my card on me
I'll write you a cheque
I owe you...
3 rejected friendships
I can get it to you on monday
You're out of stock?
What do you mean.
I've been waiting all day for this
You've only got the happiness and the joy?
Seriously?
Fine, I'll order some love
And compassion
I suppose I haven't tried that for a while
I ought to change my tastes
But I'm not happy about it!!
But I guess I get more for my money
Here it is
I have..
Love, empathy and productivity
Is it enough?
It is?
All right, well see you around
This is very tasty!
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139,389 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hey illy7896! hannah0528 here for a quick review. I want to get my next star and was looking for some poetry and found this and I am really excited to review it! I hope it is helpful!
Grows:
I didn't really find any except this one:
"3 rejected friendships"
Glows:
Oh wow. I love how it metaphorically portrays depression, you did that really well and I thought it was nice at the end when the person "bought" Love, empathy and productivity and how it was like ordering ice cream as though it was emotions and feelings. Great job! This was super creative. I also liked how it seemed as though the person wasn't serious about it at first. Well, anyways great job! I hope to hear more from you! Keep writing and have a great day!
Sincerely,
@hannah0528 (I hope this review was helpful!)
Thank you for the awesome review and good luck towards your next star!
Hey illy7896!
My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give your poem a quick review. I want to say that I've reviewed your work before, since your name is familiar, but either way, hello again! Glad to see you're continuing to write, post on the site and review work from others. I hope you're loving it here!
I really enjoyed reading this poem, especially since I thought that the metaphor was effective, and it made for that much more of an engaging read. For whatever reason, it made me think of Inside Out, and a location that could have existed in that movie. I also think that us only seeing one side of the conversation is effective.
Overall, I think this poem could be a little bit shorter and more concise, and a proofread on some of the grammar issues I noticed throughout could make this seem more polished. For instance, "3 rejected friendships" should be "three rejected friendships." And "I have.. Love, empathy and productivity" should just be
But I loved reading your poem, and loved the concept. Keep up the great work!
Best,
Elinor
Thank you so much for your review and I am loving it here on the site. I'll be sure to include your suggestions!
This is really good!
I like how you used a bunch of not-so-awesome emotions at first, but then toward the end you changed them to pleasant emotions. It shows some character development.
At the part where it said "What do you mean." I think you should change the period to a question mark to show that it's a question, but other than that, I think it's really good!
Thank you so much for your review!