I'll take you up to that challenge she said
Standing there
Her eyes wide like peaches
Careful not to snare
Her fear
On that lonely chair
She drew back
Folded her arms on her chest
Rocked back and forth
Staring at the heavens
Waiting to be sent
Soon enough
Indeed she fell
Amidst her climb
Went sky-rocketing
Through ancient crimes and liberties
She saw the witches hung
The slaves freed
The New York
Statue of Liberty
She landed back on Earth
From wherever she was before
Watched the present day
Take its toll
She saw World War 1,2 and 3
Even saw the president
Make his plea
Schools closed down
Soldiers buried
In their tombstones
Half-decayed
She couldn't tell what era she was in
Surely this must have been
When mankind was first brought in
To some form of luxury
Why, when a person said it was 2023
She jumped from shock
And opened her eyes
Back in paradise
Her fear snagged on that lonely chair
She could see the fabric start to wear
When she realised
Sweet Mother Earth
What had happened to her
She couldn't help but agree
To the devastation of humanity
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hello! I love this poem. The development was the best part. I started out this poem thinking it was just going to be a review of the past, a description of how many bad things happened and how hard was in the past. But at the end, when it was revealed that some of the bad things that happened were in the future, that totally shocked me and made me see the poem in a whole new light. It wasn’t a poem about the past, it was a warning about all the worse things that are yet to come. The end truly chilled me to the core, especially because right now it feels so true. The line “she couldn’t tell what era she was in” seems so accurate for this moment, because every day it feels like I’m hearing about new horrors that I never expected to happen now, in this advanced age- but I guess our world is not as advanced as we think it is.
However, I would suggest you to add more descriptions and figurative language to the poem. The speaker talks about a lot of horrific events- witches being hung, World Wars- and those moments would be a great place to include strong descriptions, imagery or metaphors that would make readers feel actual fear and help them understand the poem better. I would also love to see descriptions of World War 3 and of the president making his plea, and the other horrors of the future. The ending would be so much more impactful if the reader is actually able to imagine and see what the speaker sees.
I also felt like the enjambment in this poem was a little random- every line was so short and cut off so abruptly and there didn’t appear to be any pattern to it. I would encourage you to think more about when and why you separate a line, to make sure the enjambment is adding to the meaning and theme of the poem.
Overall, this poem was amazing! I thought the perspective was really unique, and it made me see the world just a little bit differently after reading. I hope to read more poems from you in the future!
Thank you very much- I'll be sure to add your suggestions.
This is a wonderful poem showing how evil humanity can be. I loved how you put the good with the bad, like where you said, "the slaves freed." That is a small yet important piece because it adds depth and light to the dark. I can see that you planned this world war three for sometime in the very near future, if it has ended by 2023. That is a really good idea and i think you should grow on that. I wish i were as good of a writer as you are and i hope i can see your name on some works in the future.
Thank you
Emivanz1
That's so kind of you thank you so much
This is very well and thoroughly thought out. I like your metaphors and your different, darker tone. It's a breath of fresh air compared to most happy and joyfully poems. I had a really good time reading this.
Thank you so much
Wow! An apocalyptic story poem, this was quite a dramatic read.
I found it interesting that you had this set in just 2023 -- ooff, I hope that things don't turn so poorly in such a short amount of time.
I have a few thoughts!
positives
I really liked that you went for something dramatic and a story too. I kind of got a Revelations vibe from this, like the narrator was receiving a vision of what was going to happen.
I think you did a good job getting a lot of content and different themes into such a short poem too, I definitely felt the fear and anxiety of the piece.
some suggestions
One thing that I thought really popped in this piece was the drama of it. And although at some moments it kept me reading line after line wondering where it would turn next, at other areas it seemed almost preposterous bordering on funny because it was just so over-the-top which I think wasn't the vibe you were going for. So I think a balance might be brought in here.
Watch for words that promise a lot, but don't show what they promise. ie. phrases like "devastation of humanity" might be a bit over the top, I also think that something that made the poem almost too dramatic was that none of the lines really connected but stood sort of separately as separate / individual / narratives, rather than one-single-unit to be read together if that makes sense. Adding a few things that aren't just "list items" from the mayhem, but are like analysis or some inbetween thoughts I think will help the drama hit the right tone!
A point of confusion was also whether the narrator was looking back on all of human history into the future or present or what exactly was happening.
wording points
There were two wording points that gave me a bit of pause.
^ this image just seemed really really funny to me. I love throwing a metaphor in there, but I think that fruit imagery tends to have the connotation of silly / playful / life-giving, rather than shock or terror. Maybe you could choose coals, or fire-works, or something more in the shock-terror imagery camp. In poetry that's one thing to look for is whether or not all of your imagery kind of belongs in the same emotion-family as the tone of the piece.
(ie. I wouldn't use a metaphor about something happy like cake, or balloons in a poem about death and gloom, and vice versa)
And then another line series that didn't sit quite right was
^The way these lines are broken up it seems like you're listing "new york" as a historic event equal to slaves being freed and "witches" being hung. By the way if you're referring to the Salem witch trials, in regards to "witches" being hung it may be a bit better to say "alleged" witches.
Overall, wow! This is one of the most dramatic poems I've read in a while, and that certainly makes it memorable. Keep on writing and experimenting with poetry!
All the best,
~alliyah
Thank you so much for your review, I'll definitely try and improve my poem using your suggestions
Wow! This was such a beautiful poem! You are such an amazing writer!
Thank you so much