Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

What happened?

by illy7896


I'll take you up to that challenge she said

Standing there

Her eyes wide like peaches

Careful not to snare

Her fear

On that lonely chair

She drew back

Folded her arms on her chest

Rocked back and forth

Staring at the heavens

Waiting to be sent

Soon enough

Indeed she fell

Amidst her climb

Went sky-rocketing

Through ancient crimes and liberties

She saw the witches hung

The slaves freed

The New York 

Statue of Liberty

She landed back on Earth

From wherever she was before

Watched the present day 

Take its toll

She saw World War 1,2 and 3

Even saw the president

Make his plea

Schools closed down

Soldiers buried

In their tombstones

Half-decayed

She couldn't tell what era she was in

Surely this must have been

When mankind was first brought in

To some form of luxury

Why, when a person said it was 2023

She jumped from shock

And opened her eyes

Back in paradise

Her fear snagged on that lonely chair

She could see the fabric start to wear

When she realised

Sweet Mother Earth

What had happened to her

She couldn't help but agree

To the devastation of humanity


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
80 Reviews


Points: 33
Reviews: 80

Donate
Sat Feb 20, 2021 9:53 pm
Em16 wrote a review...



Hello! I love this poem. The development was the best part. I started out this poem thinking it was just going to be a review of the past, a description of how many bad things happened and how hard was in the past. But at the end, when it was revealed that some of the bad things that happened were in the future, that totally shocked me and made me see the poem in a whole new light. It wasn’t a poem about the past, it was a warning about all the worse things that are yet to come. The end truly chilled me to the core, especially because right now it feels so true. The line “she couldn’t tell what era she was in” seems so accurate for this moment, because every day it feels like I’m hearing about new horrors that I never expected to happen now, in this advanced age- but I guess our world is not as advanced as we think it is.
However, I would suggest you to add more descriptions and figurative language to the poem. The speaker talks about a lot of horrific events- witches being hung, World Wars- and those moments would be a great place to include strong descriptions, imagery or metaphors that would make readers feel actual fear and help them understand the poem better. I would also love to see descriptions of World War 3 and of the president making his plea, and the other horrors of the future. The ending would be so much more impactful if the reader is actually able to imagine and see what the speaker sees.
I also felt like the enjambment in this poem was a little random- every line was so short and cut off so abruptly and there didn’t appear to be any pattern to it. I would encourage you to think more about when and why you separate a line, to make sure the enjambment is adding to the meaning and theme of the poem.
Overall, this poem was amazing! I thought the perspective was really unique, and it made me see the world just a little bit differently after reading. I hope to read more poems from you in the future!




illy7896 says...


Thank you very much- I'll be sure to add your suggestions.



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 659
Reviews: 11

Donate
Fri Feb 19, 2021 8:16 pm
Emivanz1 says...



This is a wonderful poem showing how evil humanity can be. I loved how you put the good with the bad, like where you said, "the slaves freed." That is a small yet important piece because it adds depth and light to the dark. I can see that you planned this world war three for sometime in the very near future, if it has ended by 2023. That is a really good idea and i think you should grow on that. I wish i were as good of a writer as you are and i hope i can see your name on some works in the future.
Thank you
Emivanz1




illy7896 says...


That's so kind of you thank you so much



User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Fri Feb 19, 2021 1:12 pm
View Likes
Caljoh says...



This is very well and thoroughly thought out. I like your metaphors and your different, darker tone. It's a breath of fresh air compared to most happy and joyfully poems. I had a really good time reading this.




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much



User avatar
1031 Reviews


Points: 119583
Reviews: 1031

Donate
Fri Feb 19, 2021 4:33 am
View Likes
alliyah wrote a review...



Wow! An apocalyptic story poem, this was quite a dramatic read.

I found it interesting that you had this set in just 2023 -- ooff, I hope that things don't turn so poorly in such a short amount of time.

I have a few thoughts!

positives

I really liked that you went for something dramatic and a story too. I kind of got a Revelations vibe from this, like the narrator was receiving a vision of what was going to happen.

I think you did a good job getting a lot of content and different themes into such a short poem too, I definitely felt the fear and anxiety of the piece.

some suggestions
One thing that I thought really popped in this piece was the drama of it. And although at some moments it kept me reading line after line wondering where it would turn next, at other areas it seemed almost preposterous bordering on funny because it was just so over-the-top which I think wasn't the vibe you were going for. So I think a balance might be brought in here.

Watch for words that promise a lot, but don't show what they promise. ie. phrases like "devastation of humanity" might be a bit over the top, I also think that something that made the poem almost too dramatic was that none of the lines really connected but stood sort of separately as separate / individual / narratives, rather than one-single-unit to be read together if that makes sense. Adding a few things that aren't just "list items" from the mayhem, but are like analysis or some inbetween thoughts I think will help the drama hit the right tone!

A point of confusion was also whether the narrator was looking back on all of human history into the future or present or what exactly was happening.

wording points
There were two wording points that gave me a bit of pause.

Standing there
Her eyes wide like peaches
Careful not to snare
Her fear


^ this image just seemed really really funny to me. I love throwing a metaphor in there, but I think that fruit imagery tends to have the connotation of silly / playful / life-giving, rather than shock or terror. Maybe you could choose coals, or fire-works, or something more in the shock-terror imagery camp. In poetry that's one thing to look for is whether or not all of your imagery kind of belongs in the same emotion-family as the tone of the piece.

(ie. I wouldn't use a metaphor about something happy like cake, or balloons in a poem about death and gloom, and vice versa)

And then another line series that didn't sit quite right was
The slaves freed

The New York

Statue of Liberty

She landed back on Earth

^The way these lines are broken up it seems like you're listing "new york" as a historic event equal to slaves being freed and "witches" being hung. By the way if you're referring to the Salem witch trials, in regards to "witches" being hung it may be a bit better to say "alleged" witches. :) I think you may want to connect New York a bit more into there or kind of explain why those things are being listed. Hope that makes sense! I like the variety, it could just use some more transitions in there to guide the reader along with your train of thought.

Overall, wow! This is one of the most dramatic poems I've read in a while, and that certainly makes it memorable. Keep on writing and experimenting with poetry! :)

All the best,

~alliyah




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much for your review, I'll definitely try and improve my poem using your suggestions



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 58
Reviews: 8

Donate
Thu Feb 18, 2021 3:40 pm
nightshadows says...



Wow! This was such a beautiful poem! You are such an amazing writer!




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much




Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman