Wow. I've been following your poetry because it's very vivid and beautifully written, but this work stands out to me so much for its content and its heartfelt feeling. In some places it really feels like a chorus of people crying out, especially your fifth and eighth stanzas. There's so many different voices in your poem, and you've melded them so well, contrasting a longing for better with condemnation of the government and crime.
Your last stanza really stood out to me because I felt so much righteous anger emanating from the last two lines. Like, you could have ended it with a soft goodbye or a plea for help, but instead I get this very vivid image of the narrator's brows furrowing and fists tightening. It's so calm and factually stated, but there's this huge undercurrent of emotion that just makes me stop.
There's so much more I could praise(especially your sixth stanza: I'm shuddering) but I'll try to leave a few comments:
This stanza didn't have as much impact as the others, and I think it's because your diction isn't as strong here. Your last line doesn't pack much of a punch for me, and it might be because you spread the meaning thinly here. Using less words to convey meaning(like your very last lines) and describing the politician using a metaphor(with a face like a lamb, ect.) might make this more impactful.We thought it was going okay
A politician with a pretty face
wanted change
But now he’s gone
and has been replaced
by the sincerity that is ‘democracy’
These lines were very impactful, but I would rewrite your third line like this: "for a hard-earned meal"Tomatoes blister and burn heavy in the sun,
but where they should be plucked by strangers hands
or a hard-earned meal
They line the shelves
at cost
I think that shows your meaning a little clearer.
I'd get rid of the periods to keep the style consistent. Also I'd add "are" between "songs" and "merry".Though their songs merry and cheery
played upon by the innocence of laughter.
Each of their bellies is starved.
Overall, AMAZING JOB! By far my favorite metaphor was this one:
Our tears to drink
Our hope to eat-
our nourishment
is our grief
I had no idea how people were suffering in Italy, so I thank you for writing about it so eloquently. Much love! <3
Points: 4112
Reviews: 58
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