Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Health

E - Everyone

What really goes on inside my head.

by illy7896


For real? When I reach my hands up into the air, the pastels of peach, olive and yellow bleed into the atmosphere until I seem to almost exhale the pigmentation upon my skin. My bracelet is screwed tight to my wrist, and as my fingers unfurl, pointed towards the sky, it dangles in mid-flight. Moles on my knuckles like printed leopard skin and hairs that stand on end, under the shade of flesh and brick.

An eventful day sought under the talent of a hundred crystal eyes that glide so lucid in all awareness. Skims over the fires in my heart and the sadness in my eyes, bubbles and sprouts- engraved within their minds.

It’s a trust fall with strangers when I don’t know how steep the cliff end is. Hoping and praying that they’ll see me through the tears and that my limbs that are limp by the side of me are carried upon another’s shoulder, as steadfast as oak in the roots of the ground that sees.

Though independence is key, the icy rivers that I must wade through in turmoil are more frozen when faced alone, and I am pulled to a seabed that never existed. Weeds that brush against my feet that never grew and rose and penetrated the earth of purity. A shock to the system. A layer of dust that grows too thick and blocks the canal of air that is supposed to insist, our system to survive. Survival of the fittest.

Except the bacteria and the infection that swallows a man whole is weaker than the body that we carry. Weaker than the cells that reverberate throughout our vessels. But still, dismantles and preys on those that are strong, knocks them from underneath their feet and spits them, churns them up like wasted saliva. Spat like spit like an insect pulled apart by a spider. And the shell is what is left, plasters of mould that spreads, unfinished, unmended and broken.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 38
Reviews: 4

Donate
Wed Jun 09, 2021 7:33 am
Nightk wrote a review...



wow ... this is truly amazing , i mean the placement of the words and the words you picked are truly amazing
i really love this work

and i really like the way you began. questioning if it is for real or not , i got hooked up by the first word i really
like how you were able to express different type of things with words powerful enough but sentences compiled together that are easy for any type of reader to digest

it is a great piece of work.




illy7896 says...


Awww I really appreaciate this and thanks so much!



User avatar
260 Reviews


Points: 24281
Reviews: 260

Donate
Wed Jun 09, 2021 6:50 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello, here for a quick review!

This was an amazing piece of work. Your descriptions are so beautiful and you paint this image in my head with just your words and it is another world. I love how disconnected and random every thought was and yet how they still managed to tie up so neatly together as one. It was a little difficult to understand at points but I guess that's the same with the demons that reside in our head.

"For real? When I reach my hands up into the air, the pastels of peach, olive and yellow bleed into the atmosphere until I seem to almost exhale the pigmentation upon my skin. "

This was so beautiful and it was also my favourite part of the story. You have a way with your words, and it is beautiful.

"It’s a trust fall with strangers when I don’t know how steep the cliff end is. "

This was another amazing line and it is so relatable. Trust is such a fragile thing and we never realize how much hangs in that single word until we are faced with situations that demand us to take that fall.

"Though independence is key, the icy rivers that I must wade through in turmoil are more frozen when faced alone, and I am pulled to a seabed that never existed."

This was also so relatable. We can't trust and at the same time we can't do it alone. We need a helping hand every now and then to pull us back from the darkness when we can't do it for ourselves.

Overall, this was amazing. My only suggestion would be to make your emotions a little more apparent. There are so many different themes in this piece, and your descriptions are so beautiful, but presenting an origin for the thoughts wouldn't hurt. It would make the reader relate with it even better and add that personal touch to it we all are always looking for.

Anyways, that is it. Stay safe and have fun writing!




illy7896 says...


Thanks so much for your very kind review and I will definitely tie up my thoughts and and will definitely delve into the themes a little more. Thanks!



User avatar
85 Reviews


Points: 33
Reviews: 85

Donate
Tue Jun 08, 2021 9:34 pm
Em16 wrote a review...



Hey! I loved reading your interesting reflection on the thoughts in your head. It read very much like a more refined version of stream of conscious, one reflection floating into another. The thoughts did not necessarily have a solid connection, and that reflects the way the mind works- the connection between one thought and another might not be logical, but it reveals something about the way the person thinks. I love all your descriptions, your similes and metaphors, because they are so vivid and developed and impactful. For example, I love the description of “a trust fall with strangers when I don’t know how steep the cliff end is”. I thought this beautifully captured how hard it can be to trust people, because trust is always a risk, and sometimes you don’t know what you are risking. Another description I liked was when you ended the piece by saying “and the shell is what is left, plasters of mould that spreads, unfinished, unmended and broken”. I thought that was a very interesting description, and it made me wonder what it means when only a shell is left.
The one suggestion I would make is to refine the focus and the message behind your piece. The descriptions are beautiful and the narrative voice is very clear, but the exact emotions behind the piece are a bit vague. I think it’s about the difficulty of being part of society, of trusting people, of being alone, and how one can be destroyed. But I’d like to see more specifics about exactly “the bacteria and the infection that swallows a man” is supposed to represent. I’d like to hear about why the narrator feels that they are “pulled to a seabed that never existed”. I don’t think you need to explain everything that happened to make the narrator feel this way, but more specificity about why they feel this way would help the reader understand their emotions better.




illy7896 says...


Thanks so much and your suggestion was very helpful and I completely agree with this, I did think that perhaps the audience would be not properly informed on what I am talking about and clarifying y writing will really help improve it. Thanks!



User avatar
52 Reviews


Points: 26
Reviews: 52

Donate
Tue Jun 08, 2021 8:19 pm
YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...



Heya, your sis here with a review!

1st impressions:
Right so the description is so beautiful and very fluent. No parts seem cut off or too long and perfectly suit the calmness of this piece. *peace sign in the mirror for no reason*. I myself do find some parts a bit confusing, but I can quickly fill it in with my thoughts in a way *does that even make sense* and picture my own version. Eeek, yeah I dont even understand what I said so dont worry lmao.

"When I reach my hands up into the air, the pastels of peach, olive and yellow bleed into the atmosphere until I seem to almost exhale the pigmentation upon my skin."


I am obsessed with this part here! In my mind, I picture a vibrant sunset with a confident looking girl holding the peace sign at the world. Probably very different but either way, so pwetty sis!

"Moles on my knuckles like printed leopard skin and hairs that stand on end"


Just a quick thing, I see this as self confidence and love for many's insecurities! Cute <3

"Skims over the fires in my heart and the sadness in my eyes, bubbles and sprouts- engraved within their minds."


Now this brings a whole different meaning. The protagonist seemed confident then stares in sadness? Maybe she only cares about her looks and is alone in their thoughts. I like the sudden twist on it, gorgeously done btw!

"It’s a trust fall with strangers when I don’t know how steep the cliff end is. Hoping and praying that they’ll see me through the tears and that my limbs that are limp by the side of me are carried upon another’s shoulder, as steadfast as oak in the roots of the ground that sees."


Now this part is really relatable. Trust issues with so many people after they turn on you. Explains the confidence and the sudden realization that you have no one with you.

Thats all from me today! Stay safe and keep writing bby! Got talent here,
Rubes x




illy7896 says...


Heya sis! Ahh, thanks so much and I love your interpretations on this piece and you always manage to dig into meanings and symbolism that even the author didn't even identify in their own writing! Thanks so much xx




Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko