Young Writers Society

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Overall, this was a good piece. Admittedly, I'm not a big fan of this breakup genre. I find it to be repetitive, and usually I don't go out of my way to read poetry about heartbreak, but this one stuck out to me.

I won't lie. This isn't a unique poem in any capacity. There isn't some beautiful metaphor that makes it better than every other poem about romance/breakup. In that regard, it's very basic. Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean it's a bad poem by any means. In fact, it was a great poem, for reasons I'll discuss further down. But, if you're going to write a piece with such a common theme, you should most definitely look for ways to make it unique.

Why did I like this? Why did I choose to read it? The piece starts with a very nicely formatted stanza or two, and as a stickler for whitespace, I really loved it. You then go on to tell what I think is a true story, but it was such a cool story anyway. Not you're typical "we met in a bar" sort of deal. So while your piece wasn't unique in the sense that it was ground-breaking or revolutionary, the poem naturally came out as unique. I don't know if it was your intention, though I imagine it was. But that's the reason why I loved this so much.

Overall, great job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

Hi there!

I see you say "a Finale," so I imagine this is part of a longer poem telling the story of this romance. Although really, I think "Middle" was really strong and could be a poem in its own right. I liked how you brought in both the color of the light and the color of the narrator's eyes and how the narrator sees one color but the crush sees a different one. The "heh, it's weird, you know?" was a little strange, though - it didn't fit the voice.

On that note, reading through the whole thing, the narrative voice was kind of all over the place. I think it's partly the different formats you chose - free verse that wanders across the page vs. prose poetry vs. free verse that stays put. The prose poetry especially threw me, because it was such a drastically different format than the rest of the poem (or at least this part of the poem). I feel like most of the middle bits of this part of the poem are a lot weaker than the start and the end - you lose a lot of the imagery and figurative language that I love so much at the beginning and the end. After the opening, I feel like the next part that's really strong and poetic is "Now" - not the whole thing, but starting with the "pink, yellow, red, orange," where you tie back to the shade blindness from the beginning.

I think you could trim this down a lot, maybe even just to those two spots. But if you don't want to, I'd suggest pulling the most important bits from the whole middle part - especially the prose poetry - and playing with that more, trying to tie in more imagery and figurative language to make the voice more consistent and that part of the poem stronger.

This review courtesy of

You know why I love this poem?
first of all, I am a big fan of heartbreaks. Like for some weird reason, I enjoy a bitter end, and when one of the mourning party gets to write about it.. So this altogether, not to hype, but the best poem I have read so far, since I joined YWS..

Anyhoo, As much as I do not understand why your writing format kept drifting left to left, right to left and bskc and forth, I cared less, 'cause I was too caught up in the words.

my favourite parts of the poem was how you were able to apply a few literary devices in you work. The figure of comparison (metaphor) was just well handled.
** and sometimes, I'm afraid our love has set like our Sun,
but unlike It,
never to rise again **.. not so many people can pull that off.
My friend has a huge problem when it comes to simile and metaphor, but you did. and am showing this to her.

Because I've been blabbing for so long, I'll just like to point out the parts where I went "awww":
** Now
this laptop feels heavy in my lap
but not near as heavy,
as my heart**

** pink, yellow, red, orange
when looking, I only see two of the four,
but you always told me they were different,
although I could never tell the difference** (This part made me smile, that was kinda a comic relief from me, giving the sad tone the poem had).

thank you!!!