She came to me from the Ocean

by the blue of her eyes
I can tell she came to me
from the ocean

I could not help but to admire
the sun in full view,
that flowed down to her shoulders

she was not perfect, but rather,
would cut you upon occasion, like sea shells

yet her steps were graced
with the beauty of waves
and her lips
pink and full,
reminding me of salmon

and when we danced,
I felt like I was floating
above the seafloor

but like the ocean
she was not mine to hold forever
and in the midst of the Siren's song
she became another's

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Points: 50
Reviews: 425

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Fri Feb 17, 2017 10:10 pm

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Vervain wrote a review...

Hey, Matt! Here to give you that review I owe you. Let me break this whole thing down as I'm looking at it -- I'll be focusing mainly on technique and efficiency in this review rather than grammar and whatnot.

However, to start us off, your use of tense is kind of wonky in the first stanza. I know someone else pointed this out, but in context with the rest of the poem, "can tell" really doesn't work -- it drags the reader out and makes them aware these are just words on a page. "I could tell" might work better, or "I knew" as another reviewer suggested.

So first off as far as efficiency goes, I'll let you know that I'm not really a big poetry kind of person. Especially not romantic poetry. I don't know, there's something about written romance that just doesn't connect with me -- I understand that you're trying to get your feelings across about someone you loved, but I can't dredge those feelings up in myself. So be warned, a lot of my emotional critique is likely to come from that.

by the blue of her eyes
I can tell she came to me
from the ocean

I could not help but to admire
the sun in full view,
that flowed down to her shoulders

This seems really disjointed. Yeah, you reinforce the ocean throughout the rest of the poem, but these first two stanzas are awkward and have nothing to do with each other. The ocean and the sun may be related, but you haven't given us that relationship, and you haven't given us something to build off of. You could tie it into the sunset/sunrise reflecting off the water, but as it is, all we have is "sun". And while you make it obvious it's about her hair -- so our mystery woman is blonde -- it feels...I don't know, a little awkward, because the sun itself doesn't really "flow". Sunshine can flow, rays of sunlight even, but the sun itself is pretty stationary.

she was not perfect, but rather,
would cut you upon occasion, like sea shells

She would cut me? Me, specifically? You already have your first-person I/me and third-person she/her in this poem, so let's keep it that way. Complicating it into three viewpoints, including the reader as "you", is another stylistic choice I don't feel quite works. Maybe consider making this a first-person statement -- "she was not perfect/given the occasion she slashed my feet like seashells" or something like that.

yet her steps were graced
with the beauty of waves
and her lips
pink and full,
reminding me of salmon

Um. Okay? This feels like a line too long -- you could combine the salmon into the descriptor of "pink", as in "her salmon-pink lips full", something in that line of thought, to cut down unnecessary fat in the wordcount here. Not to mention, "reminding me of salmon" is kind of...awkward phrasing. Makes me go "and? why should I care?", which is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve here.

and when we danced,
I felt like I was floating
above the seafloor

Remove the "I felt like" for greater emotional effect here: "and when we danced/I floated above the seafloor", you can add something about shipwrecks or seaweed or something else oceany too if you want.

Remember: The point of a poem is not to say "I felt like this", or "it felt like she was this". The point is to say "I was this", or "she was this". She did not feel like the ocean, she was the ocean (or she came to you from the ocean? You differ in how you describe that). She did not look like sunlight, she was sunlight. You did not feel like you were floating, you were floating. Removing the "feels like" parts of descriptors strengthens them and gives the reader a better grasp of the emotional impact.

Aside from that? This poem feels incomplete. I enjoy it on a base, shallow level, seeing how it can be improved, but I can't enjoy it as a full piece. It has a beginning in the echo of the title in the first line, but it doesn't have a real ending, thus why I didn't critique the last stanza, because all I'd have to say is it's not finished. "she became another's" feels like a middle line -- what does the narrator do after that? How does it affect the speaker? Do they sit on an ocean shore at nighttime and mourn the loss of the sun? Do they listen to the wind whistling through the rocks, do they skip stones against the receding tide, what do they do?

Do they protest her leaving, or do they numbly accept it, and how can you show that in a way that's thematically matched to the rest of the poem?

This piece left me with more questions than answers, and not in a solid, introspective way. It's not weak, but it's far from strong.

Keep writing!

Points: 524
Reviews: 54

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Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:20 am

StupidSoup wrote a review...

Heya bud. Typing this with a broken finger so it may have some errors but bear with me.

The first thing I noticed is the lack of capitalization at the beginning of each stanza. While it may be a creative move on your part I would suggest against it. It is less aesthetically pleasing to the reader and is technically grammatically incorrect.

Next, you can cut down some of your stanzas by abbreviating or taking some words out. For example in the second stanza you write,

"I could not help but to admire
the sun in full view,
that flowed down to her shoulders"

You can cut "to" in both places. This will make your poem more streamlined and more digestible for your readers. These excess words pop up all through your poem. It helps to read your work out loud before posting. This technique will help you smooth out these rough spots.

Overall fair work. I would suggest running over your work a couple of times to make sure you are catching words that don't flow well and other problem spots.

Keep writing!

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

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Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:46 am

Virgil wrote a review...

I know that this is a little late, and I apologize for that. I happened to fall asleep Saturday night and forgot about reviewing for the most part on Sunday. It's kind of intimidating that you have so many reviews on this one but I've only read one of them and I'm feeling rather confident that I won't repeat everyone else. Nonetheless, let's jump into the review.

by the blue of her eyes
I can tell she came to me
from the ocean

I could not help but to admire
the sun in full view,
that flowed down to her shoulders

Grouping these two stanzas together. I think the wording that you use definitely has an impact on how the reader views or reads the poem with 'by the blue of her eyes'. The first stanza is somewhat strong? But, even metaphorically I was wondering how blue eyes meant you came from the ocean.

Dropping in on the second stanza, I got a little bit annoyed that you chose to capitalize your 'I's in this poem but you didn't choose to capitalize anything else, but that's just ruining the lowercase aesthetic in my mind and not much else. In terms of the content of the second stanza, I found the imagery to be rather strong with the sun flowing down to her shoulders which is something that I haven't found myself imagining all that often. At the same time, it kind of cuts off there and I wanted a little bit more with that, but that may just be me.

she was not perfect, but rather,
would cut you upon occasion, like sea shells

yet her steps were graced
with the beauty of waves
and her lips
pink and full,
reminding me of salmon

I'm rather fond of the first stanza here, especially the wording you use that makes it have more of an impact. The second stanza doesn't hit me as hard. After the third line the wording is a little awkward and I suggest you play around with that, and the other thing, though I know you said this, I don't like the comparison of salmon all that much? I get how it relates to the ocean and the sea, but I'm not really a fan of the effect that it gives off.

and when we danced,
I felt like I was floating
above the seafloor

but like the ocean
she was not mine to hold forever
and in the midst of the Siren's song
she became another's

Tackling these last two stanzas together. I don't feel like you need the 'and' in the first line and I often find when you're starting stanzas with 'and' or 'but' or 'because' or anything like that, you can take it out and the line will be stronger in terms of structure. The second to last stanza is nothing too special in terms of imagery--I would have liked to see that part expanded on for more of an effect.

The last stanza is a different case with the whole 'and' or 'but' thing because it does happen to continue on the last stanza and uses that to its advantage. The last stanza is definitely the most confusing to me in terms of interpretation, but how I took it is that you can't really hold water in your hands forever. I understood the fact that the person being described in the poem is the Siren at this point, but the last two lines were a little confusing in what they were trying to say.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Points: 3240
Reviews: 51

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Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:57 am

LadyShadows wrote a review...

Hello Casanova! LadyShadows here for a review!

I will say I may not have a lengthy review, but here goes:

I absolutely adored this poem. It was short, yet simple and sweet. It was alive with romance as well. I love how you did a comparison of a young woman with the ocean. And needless to say, the end of this poem was a complete heart crusher. This held emotion in such a short poem and I adored the details that you added in this piece. I could literally see the young woman with the beach behind her. Beautiful picture. However the only thing I have to say is that I didn't think it had too much flow, but other than this, this was great!

Keep writing!

-LadyShadows <3

Points: 2162
Reviews: 75

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Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:51 am

SilverBerry wrote a review...

Hey, Silverberry here for a review! It's probably going to be a short one though for I didn't see many edits that you could make! Good job! I liked the cute simplicity of the poem and even though it didn't have a happy ending, it still had a pleasant tone.

I liked the beginning two stanzas of the poem, for they flowed well and the hair metaphor you had, it was really unique.
The part where you might want to make an edit is the third stanza, before that the stanzas had all been three lines long and I don't undertand why you wouldn't continue that until the longer one.

she was not perfect, but rather
would cut you upon occasion, like sea shells

I like your comparison of the Siren and the sea shells, which look beautiful yet have sharp edges, but the line leaves me wanting more and seems to stop abruptly, you have the opportunity to add more description here. I would recommend continuing with the sea shell thing, you can add more description to it that ends up relating to The Siren. The colors, the shape, the sound of the ocean when you press it against your ear-that sort of thing to not only add more to the Siren but to also keep the flow smooth, though if you have some reason to make this stanza really short then that's alright.

So I've been reading your previous comments on why you chose salmon, and I think it's really interesting that you had the oceanic theme throughout the poem and throughout your descriptions. The only thing I don't understand about the salmon thing is why you are using it to describe lips. I like how it ties in to her "pink and full" lips, but I think you could go on (like the sea shell thing) and talk more about the salmon, for you seem to have a very specific kidnd of salmon in mind. Perhaps just an additional line to explain more to your reasers about the significance of salmon-or at least hint to it. Also, like @Ashnirai said, I think reminding should be reminded, for it's past tense.

and when we danced,
I felt like I was floating
Above the seafloor

I love this line. Since I realize you're talking about the greek mythology sirens, which lured sailors to their death, this part about floating on the seafloor seems to have a greater meaning since their dancing is probably killing him. Also, the pause between floating and above gives a sort of serene feeling, which is probably what the sailor is feeling. At least, this is my interpretation.

Okay, I think the ending is really nice, for it doesn't end happily, even though you kind of set it up to have a nice romantic ending, and I really like that about this work. The only question I have is how can she, if she is the Siren, become another's? Grammar-wise I think there should be a comma after forever, for you need a pause there for grammatical reasons and also for dramatic emphasis after the knowledge that they didn't end up together and that she is the Siren.

Overall wonderful job with your sweet (but a little sinister if I read it correctly) poem. Even thought I don't normally like poems that don't rhyme, your poem had a nice rhythm and wonderful descriptions that stuck with your theme, and I ended up likening it! Good job and keep writing! I hope I helped at least a little.

Points: 4440
Reviews: 5

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Sun Feb 12, 2017 1:02 pm

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Ashnirai wrote a review...

Hey Casanova, Ashnirai here for a quick review.

First of all, I just want to say that I love the simple beauty of the poem. It's not grand, nor majestic and lofty and imposing; it's quiet and modest with descriptions of the smaller things that oft go overlooked in favour of glorious, sweeping metaphors. It reminds me of the serenity of the ocean, of sunlight through clear water dappling patterns onto the sand, and I think it's that feeling that makes your poem linger in my mind after I've read it.

That said, there are some nitpicky things I want to point out.

I like your first stanza a lot, but I would have used 'knew' instead of 'can tell'. Not only does it rhyme with 'blue' from the line above, it also flows better to me, and is in past tense so as to fit in with the rest of the poem.

Your second stanza is a little confusing to me. The sun in full view of what? It is the sunlight that flowed down her shoulders? Are you admiring her or the sun? Maybe it's obvious to others, but I can't quite grasp the meaning. To me, it feels incomplete, like I'm expecting another line after 'that flowed down to her shoulders'. I would also cut out the two 'to's in the stanza - they feel kind of clunky and I tripped up on them upon reading it aloud.

she was not perfect, but rather,
would cut you upon occasion, like sea shells

This feels... odd to me. I can't really see how sea shells relate to sharp edges and cutting personalities, and the phrasing is clumsy when read out loud. Maybe get rid of the comma after 'rather'? As for the metaphor, well, upon rereading, this is the image that comes to my mind:

she was not perfect; she was cutting,
like shards of broken sea shells
hidden in the waves

If that's not to your liking (which is perfectly reasonable! this is your poem), maybe go back to the 'rough around the edges' you had earlier and relate that to the sand that swirls in incoming waves? I don't know, I just feel like having only 'like sea shells' isn't quite enough to make the metaphor.

I really liked the first four lines of your fourth stanza, though I would put a comma after 'lips' and change 'reminding' to 'reminded'; the last line instantly broke the spell your poem had woven for me however. Salmon - it doesn't fit with the atmosphere of the rest of your poem. It's too real, too clunky for the elegant, almost dreamy air you've created. Salmon reminds me of the odour of fish, of thick seared fillets on a plate and of fish piled in ice at a marketplace; it doesn't remind me of the sea like you likely intend. You say that you used it as a metaphor for how she travelled to you - I like the idea, I really do. Maybe use it in a new stanza? - but here you're comparing the salmon to the colour of her lips, so all I can picture is the orange-ish colour of raw salmon sashimi. I actually quite like @herbgirl's suggested comparison of the muted pink of conch shells, though it's up to you.

and when we danced,
I felt like I was floating
above the seafloor

I like it. I just feel like it's missing something. This stanza makes me think of weightlessness, of the rippling patterns of sunlight and shadows that play out on the sandy ocean floor, of a crisp ocean breeze as it flows for miles and miles over the vast blue sea. I'm not saying you should change the simile, but I do think something needs to be added, whether it be a single word or an entire new line.

(Also, I think sea floor reads better as two words.)

And your last stanza. I love it. I like how it flows, I like the rhythm, the cadence, the simile. (Is there a reason that 'Siren' is capitalised?) One thing I want to broach though, is the punctuation, or lack thereof. When reading it, I feel like there should be some comma(s) somewhere, though I'm not really certain where. Or maybe I feel like there should be a full stop at the end to signify finality? I don't know, I don't really understand why I feel this way myself.

All in all, this was a beautiful read and I'm probably going to go stalk all your other works now ouo.

~Ashnirai
(Sorry if this review is a little unstructured/not really helpful, I'm still kind of new to reviewing ||D)

Casanova says...

XD I like your review, and I'm here to explain it.

The sun line is describing her hair. Meaning her hair is shining, and grand, and blonde.

And there's a specific kind of salmon I have around here(well, food wise, salmon aren't around here in the lake)- and it's pink salmon, and I was going for a real feel throughout the poem- only comparing her to real things, and never anything of great value like diamonds and rubies and such.

And Siren is capitalized because she's the Siren. In Greek mythology Siren's would lure men with their beauty and songs to and Island, where they wouldn't leave alive. Which is why I chose to use that- death at sea being the imagery of death of our love(it's all ocean based!)

Thanks for the review!

(and feel free to take a look at my works- I have a tad too many, though xD)

Ashnirai says...

Thank you! ouo

Ahh, I understand the second stanza now. If that's the case though, I would maybe use 'sunlight' instead of 'sun'?

As for the salmon, I get what you're saying, but I still feel like the cadence and feel of the poem is broken somewhat by just 'salmon'. There are a lot of other real things out there, but if you really like the salmon image, maybe describe the rosy pink shimmer of light off a salmon's scales instead? I'm not a poet though ||D It's ultimately up to you what you like or dislike.

I love the siren thing, I can see how it fits into the poem now.

<3 There's definitely a lot of works you've done (so maybe possibly keep an eye out for reviews on works from an embarrassingly long time ago ouo)

~Ashnirai

Casanova says...

Hmm, I like that image. I may try that.

(Oh damn xD)

Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Sat Feb 11, 2017 3:03 pm

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herbgirl wrote a review...

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So, as i started reading this poem, i liked the two opening stanzas. The metaphors you begin to cultivate here are simple and attractive. However, i feel that throughout the poem, these could be elaborated, better inflated and explained. With a few more details and adjustments, i think you could fully immerse your audience in the emotions you're trying to express in this poem.
As i said, i liked the first two stanzas, especially the second one, i really like that metaphor. But your third stanza, i feel, needs a little work. It's very short, and i don't think it fully encompasses what you are trying to say.

she was not perfect, but rather,
rough around the edges, like sea shells

You say the girl being described is "not perfect", "rough around the edges". What does this entail? Is she a little wild? Is she sometimes cruel or rude, bristles in conversation? This is an important piece, i think, to the story, because it explains some of the struggles the character might find in loving her, and why the poem ends sadly. Plus, you can elaborate the ocean metaphor, depending on the girl's imperfections. If she's wild, you can compare her to a stormy sea, or other similar metaphors. You get the idea. Likewise, you could also elaborate how she is like a seashell. Is she fragile like a seashell? Does she, in some way, look like one?

yet her steps were graced
with the beauty of waves
and her lips
pink and full,
reminding me of salmon

i liked the beginning of this next stanza, but the end just kind of missed the mark for me, primarily because most species of salmon live in freshwater. i feel a better way to work in this stanza would be to connect it to the previous one and extend the shell metaphor. Her lips could be like that muted pink inside conch shells, or something similar.
The next stanza, again, i felt was all too short. Floating above the seafloor is not an experience your audience can most likely identify with, describe it! Is it weightless? Frightening? Beautiful? Does the character feel content, or confused? Although you should not explicitly tell your readers what is happening, which you never do, you should give them a little more information to go on.
As for the last stanza, i again felt this was all too short. There are so many details you could include! Why did she leave? Who was the "other"? Was it a bittersweet ending, or just sad? And again, how does all of this relate back to the ocean?
Anyways, sorry if that seemed a little harsh. You have a good base here, but i feel the majority of it could use more elaboration. Give your audience more to go on! Don't just paint a picture, create a masterpiece.
herbgirl

Casanova says...

I've fixed the line about seashells- does,"She was not perfect, but rather, upon occasion might cut you- like a sea shell," sound better?

And the salmon thing- salmon actually travel from fresh water to sea water to lay eggs and then back again(usually to die.) I thought that was a good metaphor meaning she traveled to me- but I guess I was wrong?

Casanova says...

(also, as a side note, salmon spend most of their lives in the ocean. I love ocean imagery and fish ^^)

Points: 326
Reviews: 2

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Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Letttisssyyya wrote a review...

Hi!

The plot was not new to me. What suited my liking very much was how you glam-ed up the story by sugar-coating every description you have in there, nice. I also like the mentality within your write-up that all girls- not just those that has sexy curves and beautiful faces- should be made feel beautiful. And the metaphors, clever. Who else could compare those pink and full lips of her's to a salmon? Just you *winks*. Oh, and another it slaps the reader with how life is. People come and go. Ouch.

Young Writers Society

She came to me from the Ocean

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