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the break-up digest

by Audy

the moment where the breath of our lungs
become the things we don’t say
the silence that’s some kind of madness
           our faces red and noses pressed as cherubs furrowing after sun’s
           snowflakes to the tongue near the coming of dawn

emptied out vacant apartments
broken blinds, and ash
marks the touch of these fingers
           we’d wrestle in cornfields, listen in song,
          speak in riddles and answer in rhyme
fingers long enough to scratch my back in one stroke
small enough to fumble keys
and write poetry like things
           smile by dozen and joke by crime,
           dancing to the rhythm of the shadows of the sun,

these days I’d reach into the depths of ears
and suck away the tears before the falling
swallow whole the world
           the words come easy, the days come long
           eternity seems forever and one.

take comfort in knowing no one can know me more intimately
than the tornado flush dump
of a toilet.

A/N: LOL. Not my best. It's the (trying) marriage of two incompatible poem-scraps. I dun even. I'm debating on scrapping away the italics.

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110 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 110

Sun Feb 03, 2013 5:06 am
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ImHero wrote a review...

It's not right, and I think you know that. So I'll leave that comment there but tell you that I really liked the eloquency. This is a poem that seemed very natural and not forced at all. I think the reviews are a bit harsh and I'm sure its because of the ending, which is cool, but dosn't fit all of the lines. If you are going to merge two poems together you better belive in adding, beyond resonable doubt, a reoccuring concistent theme, which failed in this poem when your last line failed to unite the whole peice together. (And sorry for the block of text I just spat out :) )

So the good, the lines which seemed together where awesome but overall is weak. These scrapps seem better belonging to another poem, but currently seem to have a nice respect to them. If you can somehow capture what your striveing to capture, the marriage of two poems, its will be beutiful and a very happy marriage that I would like to see.

In regaurds with a totally bias review,

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376 Reviews

Points: 16552
Reviews: 376

Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:19 am
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Trident wrote a review...

Hi Audy, let's see here...

I mean, I can't not comment first about the ending here. I mean, it just sticks out SO much. I might like it more, but for the fact that it's just so nonsensical. Oddly enough, the structure and flow of the words is fascinating, but what are trying to convey here? I mean, that is the biggest ball out of left field that I have seen in a long time.

Two poems in one?!

This was certainly an interesting experiment, and I think it does work in some ways. It was fun to go back and forth between these two different worlds. The corn one perhaps felt more lively to me and gave me more imagery to work with. And I must admit, it was perhaps sentimental to me, being a child of the Midwest and all.

I honestly think it works to a certain extent, though without being primed of it beforehand I never would have realized it was two poems merged. And that would have really made things utterly confusing.

Back to the toilet thing again

I haven't read the other critique yet, but I have a feeling that it will mention this absurdity. It certainly feels like and intentional assault to our instincts, and so I think it succeeds in that sense. But...I...just...can' It just needs to absorb. I've just not quite read anything like it.

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:06 am
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Hannah wrote a review...

What. What is that ending? What even is that ending, Audy? If you find value in it, I'd suggest trying to put that value/meaning into different words, because for me, it sounds like you completely dismissed everything that came before, and if that's the case, why should I spend my time looking at it?

I have to say, though, with the leading title you've given, that this, for the most part, works well for me. I sort of see it as reflecting after a break up -- the non-italics being the present, dull, sad time, the italics being a memory of the good, easy, happy time. I don't see why they're so incompatible. I think maybe the problem comes with the places at which you've married them. Rather than paying attention to the structure of the poems, you've just paid attention to the number of lines and stuck them in at even intervals. In one way, it works, because the reader must consistently go back and forth and maybe find the places where the portions fit on their own, without direction from the poem as set forth, but it would probably be a little more effective if thought about in a different way. I mean, how could you bear to break up those subtly planned rhymes? Especially the lovely, slow-swinging one between sun and long. (I love that line the most, by the way: " the words come easy, the days come long".

As for the lines and material of the poem, I actually like the italics better. They have stronger images, and seem more worked. The non-italics really start to fall apart here:

these days I’d reach into the depths of ears
and suck away the tears before the falling
swallow whole the world

Rhymes can be forced even in the middle of sentences, and that's what these few lines feel like. I'd suggest cutting the tail off this one and rewriting, 'cause, as you know, I didn't like the ending either.

Some other things I'd warn against:

breath of our lungs
become the things we don’t say

Your subject is breath, but your verb treats it like the subject is lungs.

emptied out vacant apartments

Same thing! I'd pick emptied out because it evokes the image of the people who lived there in the past.

Let me know if you have questions, and good luck working this out!

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890 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Sat Feb 02, 2013 9:15 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hey Audster,

So I literally Lol'd at your end line because it surprised me no end. Is the mixture of poems between the italics and the not? Because I agree that the italics are doing nothing for your poem at the moment. All your strong lines are in the non-italics and they're definitely strong.

emptied out vacant apartments
broken blinds, and ash
marks the touch of these fingers

This is my favourite part. There is the delicate and the rough, empty in this section and I think it just works for your poem on the whole. I actually re-read this a couple more times than I usually would but decided that definitely the italics don't help the progression. I understand them as everything that happened while the two were together but they're not doing anything amazing, as lovely as their pieces are. Particularly the cornfields is lovely, are cornfields always lovely? They're lovely here as well, but they're not doing anything.

I'm thinking about that ending and it's good but I'm half not feeling it but I'm maybe convincing myself I do? I think the ending will be polarising because it's difficult to make meaning from a poem which ends in toilet, we're a jerky bunch, poets! I don't think I'm suggesting to take it out, only to think about it a little. I can dig it when I think about it, but it might be commented on negatively by others. So I suppose I'm warning you! :D

I want those italics of yours to work because I can see what you're doing and how, but they truly just don't. It isn't your best, and you know that, but I think it is a very solid attempt at a poem. Particularly at merging two poems, they are the devil of poetry, merging. Nice work though, it's emotionally rough and touching, I like it a lot.

~ <3

But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane