Young Writers Society

Hey Audy,

So um, I got this one for my exchange >.>

I liked it. I mean, really there's not that much to say. I like the way you went about writing it, how it's kind of like a sonnet, but at the same time you used a lot of slant rhyme and the iambic pentameter seems to be there. I didn't go through the whole poem, but to me it's more about the feet, and the flow is here. I like the story. There's a lot going on that makes this poem good.

This poem really brings up memories for me because I met so many of you on YWS as friends of a friend, and you're not an exception. I suppose that's what really kept me following the poem. The way you put in such personal details "eating mango slivers peppered in spice/at that pee-stench Tropica club" just really brings that memory feeling to the poem and I like that. I don't really think you nailed the syntax. Personally I think it should be "pee-stenched" and "awkwardly drunk" but I can understand the cut for the iambic pentameter. In the line of "pee-stenched" you could cut the second "that" and just put a period, start with Night or add a word so you start a new sentence with "You" but it's just a suggestion.

I don't like your use of the the ellipsis DX but I love your use of the dashs. I also really like the last couplet. "a drool out of sorts" really sounds funny, but it works with being drunk. and while I don't really understand how someone can trade up beer for someone's pants and not be something naughty, I like it because it made me giggle.

Overall I think you really nailed the nostalgia feeling of this poem. You draw in things like "back then you called it love," which adds another layer to the poem because instead of us calling it something, it is just this other person, this friend of a friend, and to me that really gives both characters more personality.

If you wanted to work on something, I'd suggest you work on fixing the syntax in the third line. Other than that I don't think there's much to fix.

Hello, CesareBorgia, here to review,

Hi Audy, this is for the Poetry exchange. I really like this poem. You're poems are always so creative and awesome, and I'm honored to review one. I have three qualms

IT SOUNDS like a melody and drifts up in smoke
through attics of memory and mountains of jokes
it drowns out all misery and colors your blush-

-back then you called it love, today we laugh at that fluff

Yo, miss Audy. Two poems of yours in a row, eh!?

I like that I don't notice the rhyme until the italics. I like that because you start off on a non-rhymed line (well, we'll get to the possible rhyme a little later), we don't feel that rhythm from the beginning and the rhymes slip under us unnoticed.

Buuut~ Then I don't like getting woken up to a rude reality when you rhyme with the word "fluff". I dunno -- it just doesn't fit, it feels like it comes from a different diction than phrases like "mango slivers peppered in spice" or "pee-stench Tropica club". I think you could find a better way to pull that section off.

Now, when I went back after reading through this lovely, chill, realistic, down to earth poem, I got caught up wondering where the rhyme for the first line is. Then I think I found it in the last line of the first stanza, BUT, that got me to actually pay attention to the last line of the first stanza and found how awkward it was. "spent up in phlegm"?? The rest works, but not "spent up".

I love, the last line. I love the brackets around it. It then makes me pay closer attention to the brackets, though, and I don't understand the meaning of those. I don't know why they need to repeat to me that something is true when I believe, wholeheartedly, in the grainy reality of what you're painting here. I also wonder about trading beer for shorts, and how exactly that worked. If I'm right, I like how easily the acceptance was, and how the outcome was, as is communicated, good in the end.

I like the feeling of easy acceptance through the whole poem. My family encourages me to be the best, to be perfect, to be competitive, but these quiet moments of just being happy, enough, and real, are really appealing to me for that reason.

I hope some of these thoughts and suggestions will help you out~
Again, PM or reply if you have questions/comments.

<3

Hannah

I'm gonna come out and admit something that's probably practically sacrilege here: I like rhyming poetry. Like, I considerably prefer it to non-rhyming poetry. As long as it's done well. When you write rhyming poetry, you have to make it seem like it was a happy accident that the words happened to rhyme, and that you'd have used the same words anyway, 'cause they're the perfect words to describe what you mean. I think you achieved that in this poem, for the most part. Maybe not with 'comprehend,' but that's a very difficult word to fit in a poem, since it has such a rigid rhythm.

I like that it's kind of a love poem, but a very realistic, down to earth one. The speaker is looking back at the past without rose-tinted lenses, which is a rare thing. As love poems go, I like this one. It's not too sappy (in contrast to the title), but it does have real emotion and feeling to it.

I'm really struggling to find something to actually criticise, since I'm not that great at reviewing poetry. Almost everything can be chalked up to artistic choice. I will say that the rhythm of the piece seems to deteriorate around when the italics start. While I'm sure that this was deliberate, I'd love to see what you could do with a poem with a very rigid rhythm and rhyme pattern. In general, I think it would be good if people tried to write poetry with rigid structure before venturing into free form. First you must learn the rules, then you must throw them away.

Anyway, thanks for writing this, I really enjoyed it!