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16+ Violence

desperate times desperate

by Audy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

damnation raised sequoias bearing palm grenades;

engorged, ripe bundles dropped over bodies whose

sweat spangled fingers roped in embrace.


       papa never read to us as we wanted.

       always hesitant, flat facts. listening

       in between every word

       renting silence, daycheck by daycheck.  


perhaps the only ingredient for war is

existing. my only sin—

ransoming paper offsprings for warmth.


       veterans often speak of the

       excrements.

       ruined cities, mangled bodies,

       soldiers wiping off

       excrements.

   

alive in a dung heap, one gets to thinking—

those warm nights weren’t worth

excrements. we were using the wrong


              mea[broken]sures.


a/n:  acrostic within an acrostic poem written for NaPo. 
 


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65 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:16 pm
NightWalker wrote a review...



Hi Audy,have a good time!

I see your peom is kinda unique with your own ideas just flow with a theme about desperates.So let review your poem in the first stanza till the end as I have a much time to write for now(whether it was comments or review),

*'..engorged, ripe bundles dropped over bodies whose

sweat spangled fingers roped in embrace.'

1.So the first stanza you using some words that does not really in poetic way and I can say the symbolism is just 'over-zealous'.You should be more carefull when writing a poem that can make people confuse then forced them to leave it without fully understanding about the message you trying to represent here.This is because,poem should be a writing about something beautiful even it might be a little bit 'harsh' the writer still can use a words that make the reader confort and acceptable.Otherwise,its all about desperates.Maybe some other readers have their own view also.

2.In the second stanza,the rythm is not flow like it used to.I tried to find the rythm but still I can't.That may be because of the punctuation is just not really right.And also,you seem like you don't care to put a capital letter after fullstop.But it does't really the matter.I like the 3-4 lines in 2rd stanza:

listening in between every word

renting silence, daycheck by daycheck.

3.This poem was written for NaPo,I see the ideas here but the big matter here is you ought to care about the words-using and make sure it fit with your poem in poetic way.Anyway it's to great tried than doing nothing.I'll be happy to see more artworks from you soon in YWS.Keep writing and never give up!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:08 am
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Juniper wrote a review...



Audy, I am a admirer of your poetry, and a lover of your way with words. I make a point of reading your poetry-- whether I review it or not.

When it comes to this piece, I'm a little divided on whether to like it or not. I think you did very well disguising the acrostic aspect of the poem, which comes off smoothly, but the rest of the poem suffers from the pressed stiffness that rhyming poetry suffers when you try to cram meaning into a word that won't fit it.

In the beginning, you open with a line that is flowery, but attractive all the same. Within my head, I want to tie these stanzas together, but they just feel so unforgivably broken apart as the poem progresses, no transitions between them, and not in the way that lends character to your poem. I want to feel like I'm grasping at the desperation that's lingering at the edges of your words, Audy, but I feel like I'm investing effort that threatens an empty return.

My favorite bit of this poem is the second stanza, layered with meaning-- the children, the man, the despair trickling down onto his portion of the story is such a beautifully vivid image that you should be very proud of.

xx Juniper




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:26 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, Audy. I feel like you might have posted a version of this before?

Anyway, you need to be aware that there's a major tone shift after the first acrostic. We're sitting in a small home with a family consider family problems, and kitchen tables, and sisters, and sinks, and pay checks, and fathers who don't read. When you start talking about war so suddenly in the next section, there's nothing that helped us along in the connection. Even though after I've finished reading, I can SEE that you probably meant the father to have been involved in a war and not want to talk about it, it's only after the fact, and even then the sections feel like two different words.

I love the repetition of "excrement" in perverse. I love that in both of its appearances, it appears alone and strong. But oh my gosh, please don't break its strength with the dung and the last excrement in the third stanza, because it just throws off the balance.

Truthfully, I think your third section is weak. It takes on the thought process of an unknown mind, once again swinging us without warning into a new story. And it just replays the old joke of dung. Again. Dung. We measure it. If you still want to keep the passage about the same topic, at least change the sentence "those warm nights weren't worth excrements". I think there's a silly joy in playing off the "regular" phrase, but I think it cheapens the experience, and, as I said, weakens the strong repetition in the second stanza.

In the end, my favorite stanza is the first. I love the closeness and vividness of the scene, with the color of the fruits and the table where they'd potentially read. I like the rhythm in the second stanza, but since the images are less vivid, I'd suggest finishing up with another vivid and physical image?

PM me if you have questions. Thank you!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:25 am
pensword wrote a review...



Wow, this was a really nice piece all around. My favorite part was the line about sweat-spangle fingers. You might want to pay attention to some punctuation and capitalization, as they are always important, but I think content is the biggest piece. You nailed that. I don't really understand the need for the word puzzle at the end, but it did add a nice touch. Keep up the good work!





Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash