z

Young Writers Society


16+

Some Stones

by Audy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I grow a little fisherman
each day, who waits by
the bay's back
and tries to hold on tight to
the line,
leash up my spine,
and strike,
strike until the water's fine.

He's in my soup at night forgetting
to eat - so
I forget the eating and invite
whomever,

just

come by 'cross the line
and take me
places, talk about going
and meeting faces, then talk
about the comfort of our living
homes. Our bodies tracing
skin and sundials
phoning for shadow's kin.

Later, we'll rent some cartwheels,
or better!
Some stones
to pepper the lake.


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Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:07 am
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Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Hallo.

Firstly, I apologize for taking so long to do this review. I took a sort of inadvertent break from YWS, and never ended up completing this review.

Anyway, this is actually really hard to do, because...I don't really understand what the poem is talking about.

I suppose with RoseyUnicorn's idea of it being from the perspective of a mermaid makes sense in general, but even so, I don't understand a lot of it, such as "Our bodies tracing skin and sundials phoning for shadow's kin", or, really, the entire last stanza.

I assume there is some deeper meaning behind this, but I have no ability to understand that meaning. I think usually it's OK to have a poem that only the author can understand the meaning of, because the readers can still appreciate the sound and wording and emotion and feeling and such behind it, but here...I don't know. I just feel as if there is something that I'm missing, that I should be able to understand this but for some reason am completely failing to.

Anyway...there's really not much that I'm able to critique. I do like the rhyming; it wasn't very noticeable, but it added to the flow of the poem. Besides that...it seemed that the stanzas didn't really fit together. The thoughts of the narrator seemed to go from thing to thing, without really explaining how they were connected, or, indeed, what exactly they were talking about.

So, that's really all I can say about this. Sorry for the wait, and sorry for the lack of things to say here. Perhaps with a better understanding of the meaning behind this I could have offered some suggestions, but...yeah.

Anyway, good job, and good luck with any future poems!

Valedictions,

Wherethewindgoes




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Mon May 06, 2013 4:43 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Hey Audy~! <33

So this poem is not one I'm a huge fan of, but I think it's got a few things going for it. First, I like the internal rhymes that drive Rosey crazy. I think you could have focused on them a little less, like "the bay's back" is kind of confusing, and although it has a slant rhyme with day, I don't think it's necessarily the best phrasing to use. Then we have line and spine. That insert really confuses me. So the speaker makes a fishermen, I'm assuming this is someone who is searching for things, 'fishing' either for compliments, or things to drag the other individual down. He's attached to the spine, and thinks hitting the water is going to smooth it out? The water does not smooth out when you hit it. the more you hit it, the worse it gets.

Surely you've played in a sink before though, so there has to be something else going on there. Now this brings me back to my point that the fishermen is looking to kill the person who made him. From his point of view, the water is 'fine' when it is struck, which means the more turbulent the speaker's life is, the happier the fisherman is.
This is backed up again, when the speaker talks about avoiding food. The fisherman is undermining the speaker's self confidence to the point where s/he doesn't want to eat.

So the second to last stanza is very poetic, but I think it needs more content. I understand that whomever isn't supposed to be specific, but it seems to completely miss the fisherman. Also, I don't really understand the last two lines. Skin and Kin rhyme, but how are sundials phoning for shadow's kin? Who is shadow's kin? I don't understand this one. To me, the shadow's kin would be the thing making the shadow, but that's more of the shadow's father/mother. Who did you mean when you wrote that line? Also, do we have to know the specifics of the conversation or could you some it up and move back to the content of where this little fisherman is?

The most interesting part of this poem to me, is how cartwheels relates to the lake. To me, a cartwheel is not something you can rent, but I'm going to leave that alone, and simply put this here: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3iJLbOerlMQ/T ... twheel.png . So moving on, Stones are peppering the lake, and we can either associate stones, or cartwheels with last line. Cartwheels peppering the lake would be very interesting, and finally draw back to the bust of self confidence I was talking about earlier, because they'd be cartwheeling into the lake. That would be quite a challenge, and it could be quite detrimental to the health. Giving that the lake is how life is going for the individual, peppering the lake with stones is another clear indicator that something negative is happening, but this time, it is through the simple act of skipping stones without the fishermen's help.

So really what I'm saying is the last two stanzas need to connect better to the first group of them, in my opinion. I feel like they're separate poems, one talking about a personal, self-conscious pain, and the other talking about people dragging an individual out of their comfort zone and causing them distress. They are hard to connect. If that was your intent, then good job, but I feel like things need to be a little clearer to make the poem stand better.




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Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:47 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hey Audy.

I'd honestly rather have a nice long IM conversation with you about this piece, because I know you're good and I know there's a reason for pretty much everything in here, but I'm struggling to see it since I've barely reviewed your work and am not used to your style. That being said, I will attempt to give my general points.

It took me quite a few reads to grasp anything about this poem, and a conversation with Spark about it to fit in the missing piece. Our best guess is it's written from a mermaid's PoV about a fisherman she sees from below. At least, that's the only thing that seems to make any inkling of sense.

Now, you've hit my biggest pet peeve in poems: inconsistent rhyming. As soon as I see a rhyme, I start looking for pattern. I don't even pay attention to what words I am reading except to find which ones rhyme. When no pattern exists I just stare at the poem and try to figure out how to get a pattern or why the rhyme even exists. With your lack of pattern here, and the half dozen internal rhymes, I kept looking for some sort of consistency and found none. They seem to be tossed together without much thought.

I'm not sure how intentional the rhyming is, especially the internal rhyming. The internal rhyming I don't mind so much as the first stanza's line/spine/strike/fine. Seeing as the next rhyme is in the before last stanza, with living/tracing (I don't count "kin" in there because it's not -ing), there's no pattern. It took me awhile to get over that. Only after I did could I even try to puzzle out meaning, and even then I kept coming back to the rhyme. (Like I said. Biggest pet peeve in poetry)

Then there's how I needed help to know what this poem was even about. This might be personal preference again, but I like a bit more solidity and self sufficiency in poetry. This seems more like an excerpt from the middle of a story, where there's a whole mythology in your head we don't know about unless we read a whole series of works. Either make this part of a series so we know there is something else we need to know, or make this a bit able to stand alone. Unless you are particularly attached to the mystery, in which case discount this advice. I simply give it because I would've passed right over this had it not been a request because of how abstract it is.

I did find myself enjoying your last two stanzas, where you get a bit more romantic and a bit more solid in your images. There's a sense of desperation, but if it's for the fisherman to come under or for the mermaid to go on land I'm not sure. This uncertainty I like, though.

And you were rather clever with the mention of soup then the mention of peppering the lake. I only saw the cleverness after guessing it was from a mermaid's pov, though.

That is as much of a critique as I feel comfortable giving. There's too much purpose I don't know the meaning behind for me to really say much more.

You know where to find me.

~Rosey




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Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:03 am
planve says...



Am not a very big fan of poems but i strangely liked yours and ended up reading it like five times with a big smile on my face :)





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