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16+ Language

Crystal Clear (Prologue)

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

She leaned against the fence, watching the wind blow the sand over the last people that existed on Earth, burying them completely. A smile broke across her face, revealing sharp fangs. That would hide them well, if there were other people in the world to find the bodies.

Adjusting her green flannel shirt, she pulled back her sleeve flowing in the wind, revealing a watch. It was a generic silver watch with black hands, but that wasn’t all that was in it. Never judge a book by its cover, she thought. She flipped her wrist over, revealing three choice buttons -- a red one, a blue one, and a green one. She pressed the green one.

The watch came to life. She flipped her wrist open again and the “glass” face opened like a camera shutter. The joint that connected the hands opened in the same way, projecting a greenish hologram of the entire world. Once upon a time, there were little dots of all colors of the rainbow covering the land masses of the planet, but now there was only a single speck at the southern end of Mongolia.

She laughed, her giggle echoing across the empty, sand-dusted houses. She was the only one left in the world! The only one! No more crowds, no more annoying people trying to stop her, no more Erwin, no more Joash. Just her!

She was finally alone.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of a figure walking across the sand. She squinted, her eyes turning purple. The pupils slitted like a lizards’ and her gaze sharpened to reveal a man with pure black skin making his way towards her. He noticed her staring and looked up, his red eyes flashing with surprise upon seeing her.

She opened her eyes completely again, the ordinary brown flashing across then. She knew who he was and what he would do. Know your enemy, after all.

A cloud of what looked like black smoke appeared in front of her, confirming her thoughts. Through the fog stepped out the black man, dressed in only a white loincloth. She met his red eyes and grinned.

“So,” she said. “You aren’t dead. Interesting.”

“I never was,” he answered grimly. “I thought that I had triumphed.”

“But you didn’t~.”

“No.”

The man surveyed the bodies around him in the abandoned town, making a scoffing noise. “Looks like you did all of the work for me.”

“Looks like you are a bit scared of me,” she snarked back.

“So who’s the bad guy now?” he snapped.

“Both of us. You are the shadowdemon, and I am the one who killed everyone. Now we’re even.”

“But I never-” He cut himself off abruptly. “Just because I’m a-”

“Save it. You know what I did us? A favor. I did a favor. Now we can fight without getting in anyone’s way. Without killing anyone. Or hurting them, turning them into servants. We won’t be able to use others to our advantage. Think about it. It was a favor. Just... one on one.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just get pissed and decided to destroy everyone?”

“I’m sure. I may have gotten pissed, but that doesn’t mean that I decided to destroy everything just because of that. What a way for the world to end.”

Her eyes narrowed to slits. “And now I’m getting mad at you.”

He backed away slowly. “H-hey now, d-don’t even think about it. P-please don’t-”

“Hurt you? Kill you? That’s nothing I haven’t ever done before.”

The man was silent then, freezing in place. He knew that she was right, she could see that. His face was dropped in defeat and his body began to slump. His muscles gleamed in the sun.

“Oh, and put some clothes on, will you? I would hate to kill a shirtless guy. People would say that it is scandalous.”

“B-but there are no-” the man tried to point out, whipping his head up and immediately attempting a defensive stance.

It was too late.

She was already prepared.

She lunged at him with her purple wings spread and her eyes as thin as a lizard’s, her soul screaming for one final taste of a demon’s soul.

--

A/N: A bit rushed because this is my NaNo book - I don't think I'll do Reality, maybe next year - but I think this turned out better than I thought it would. Also, I'm REALLY excited for this book. It's been forever since I've written about Crystal. You're in for a wild ride. Tell me if you want me to tag you in future chapters --

Kara


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Sun May 27, 2018 3:14 am
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kratos17 wrote a review...



This is a great start and I enjoyed it, although it was a bit of a jump. I am so excited for future chapters and you should tag me. I have to review and correct it so, here we go. You tend to space out the paragraphs and have it like one sentence at a time and most people say you should have it like semi-clumped (I got told this on a review one, but you do you boo). I also read Chapter 1 before this lol, but same comment when you have quotes and text in between you put a period and I believe it is suppose to be a comma. For example quoting the above text, "So," she said. "You aren't dead. Interesting." it's suppose to be, "So," she said, "You aren't dead. Interesting." I am so sorry if that is just like really nit picky my English teacher is really intense about grammar so I'm like grammar mode so I don't fail lol. I overall love your writing though and you should keep it up.




zaminami says...


It%u2019s okay! If you check out MY reviews, I%u2019m also ultra picky!

Actually, I%u2019m not using this prologue anymore; I don%u2019t like it enough. I might make a new one and post it after everything else, but otherwise, it won%u2019t be used. However, I do appreciate the review! Thanks and I%u2019ll be sure to tag you!



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Tue May 22, 2018 7:19 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Mae. I read it. It was okay. I didn't love it. Here's why,

1: Your writing style is okay, but it's not as smooth as it should be. Your style isn't very descriptive, so your readers are left with gaps in their mental pictures of the story. An example from the beginning, "She leaned against the fence, watching the wind blow the sand over the last people that existed on Earth, burying them completely." This isn't a bad opening line. I like apocalypse stories, and the idea of what happens after everyone is dead is interesting to me, as I guess it is to other readers. It's just the wording feels a little awkward. I would have written it more like this, 'Crystal leaned against the white picket fence, watching the wind blow the sand over the bodies of the last people on earth until they were buried completely.', this way it runs smoother, like the way someone would actually talk. I always like to imagine a little narrator saying everything aloud in my head while I write to check if the words flow easily.

2: You just kinda jump in without explaining anything. Now, I know, it's annoying when readers press for more explanation when your writing depends on big reveals or small reveals, or you just want to avoid too much exposition, which your readers would later complain about anyway. But seriously, can we have something? Maybe a hint at Crystal's motives or maybe why she and the demon guy don't get along? Something would be nice.

3: I'm done, I limit myself to two critiques per work, otherwise I go on incredibly long rants that are probably a drag to read so yeah, take what I said into consideration, or don't, I don't really care.

ta ta *finger wave*




zaminami says...


Hi! This is actually an old draft and a prologue, so I actually didn%u2019t put information first and if you want to check the new draft click the %u201C(again)%u201D link :)



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Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:35 pm
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Danni88 wrote a review...



Hello! Danni here for a Review Day review!
First off, a very dignified opinion of this:
OMG YOU STARTED CRYSTAL’S BOOK I CAN’T BELIEVE IT PLEASE TAG ME IN THE NEXT ONE
OK, seriously, now. I really like the apocalyptic last people on Earth beginning. This makes people wonder about what happened before and grips them.
Secondly, I like the flashes of inhumanness - purple wings, slit pupils etc. Obviously I know what she is, but it intrigues people who don’t.
This is really well-written and I already can’t wait to read more! Only one nit-pick: it’s been rated 16+ for language, but I can’t see any language?
Keep up the good work!

Danni x




zaminami says...


XD yes I did I need to finish my nonfiction humor book and then I'll work on this one hahahaha

oh, and I used to have to word "hell" in it... looks like there isn't :P



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Sat Dec 30, 2017 5:47 pm
Danni88 says...



I. Love. This.




zaminami says...


thanks

review itttt



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Tue Nov 07, 2017 7:38 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hi? Hello? It looks like school-wise November is going to be a slow month for me, so I thought I'd get back into the reviewing game to celebrate Nano.

Forgive me if I'm a bit rusty. It's been like three months since I reviewed anything that wasn't like... installment number 20.

Technical Comments:

I got confused in the back-and-forth once you started leaving the dialogue tags out, and I think this was because there was a section where the dude talked, decided to say something else, and then started a new paragraph. And while I understand that a paragraph break does give more power to the man's "restart," it's also not intuitive. A brief, minor action within the paragraph might have cleared that up.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. You mentioned that this is your NaNo work? What kind of length/wordcount are you aiming for? Because I honestly can't figure out what kind of story or world this prologue will lead into, and thus far, I can't see room for interactions involving groups and the like.

2. I did enjoy the interaction between the two characters! It was very telling about both of them, and already we're starting to see some of those good old contrasting traits within individual characters.
2a. The contrast between the dude having been very pissed (enough to kill half the world, aiya!) and now being kind of sheepish about the whole situation is pretty great. That's not a combination of action/reaction that I see very often. :)
2b. And it's really interesting the way the lady talks and narrates. She's so irreverent and unapologetic, and the way she takes charge of the conversation clues into some hella weird dynamics between her and the guy. I get the feeling these two aren't going to be the main players, so it was nice to see their relationship so strongly defined with just the dialogue and the death(?).

Anyways, that's probably all for now? I'm not going to get too into things at this point, because I'm coming into this blind, but I'm excited to see how this prologue ties into whatever else you have planned! Deaths are always a nice way to start a novel.

Tag me next time! I'm planning to spree on reviews this month, since I get two long weekends.
-Buggie




zaminami says...


Okay, here's what I'll explain (it'll be easier to realize once you go along):

1) the girl killed the entire world, not the man

2) this is set after the events in the book

3) and these two are the MCs :D I can't wait to write more of the girl.

-- Kara



Ventomology says...


Ah, so it's like eating dessert first. That's a fun way to start the whole novel!



zaminami says...


yeah haha :P



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Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:12 am
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DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

*Calls Grim over and he comes over with fresh cocoa and is ready to read and review this story.*
You sure are excited.
I love her stories.
Fair point.
*Goes back to cocoa and reviewing*

So, the first thing I notice is that well, I did not not notice anything. My grammars not the best so, yeah. Someone else might though! You really have peaked my interest and by that, I mean I need a second part. Now. Please? Anywho, I hope to see more with Crystal and Joash. (I know who he is so I shan’t say anything that may give stuff away. I ain’t no snitch. I may be golden, but I am not a snitch.

I don’t really have much to say so… yeah.

*Grim looks over then goes back to his book of spells*

Overall, I loved the story and keep up the good work! Seriously, I need a second part. Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




zaminami says...


>;3 I'll tag you in the other chapters :D



DeerInBacPac says...


yessssss



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Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:10 pm
zaminami says...



@Flumadiddle @Saruka




DeerInBacPac says...


*Freaks because they know what is coming.*
SO EXCITED TO READ THIS! yessssss



zaminami says...


YEAHHHHH




cron
"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind