Hello. Today I'm going to talk to you about line breaks.
You always* want to end a line on a strong word. A strong word is a verb or a noun. Otherwise, you're going to want to start the next line with the previous word.
Many of your lines break awkwardly at the end.
I can no longer bare for it's
This one also has some mistakes in it. You use the wrong "its." "It's" is a contraction of the two words "it" and "is" and "its" is the possessive form. I know that most words use an apostrophe for the possessive form, but this is how it is. Also, you use the wrong "bare." You should be using "bear" as the infinitive form of the verb "to bear" means "to carry" and you're metaphorically carrying the weight of the ugliness of the place you're in. Don't end a line on "its" because it leads into a clause. It would be wiser to end after "bear" on this line.
"the" is a conjunction and you shouldn't end lines on it. End on "spewing," as it's a nice strong word.With each lie spewing from the
This line break isn't quite as bad, but it would be better if you ended the line after "tear" and tacked "gently" onto the beginning of the following line.A single, salty-tear gently
Fall apart as if I was some form
Of a porcelain doll dropped by the
These lines both have awkward line breaks. The first one seems not to be, but you ended the line right in the middle of the clause. Also, wordiness is an issue here. Take out "some form" and just say "as if I was a porcelain doll." In fact, this whole section needs rewording. It would be much clearer if it was written like this:
As if a little girl dared to hold me,
a porcelain doll, dropped and falling apart.
Don't end on "it." End on "down."Dragging it down until it
I also feel like this poem is very wordy. Try cutting out everything unneeded, and then adding some of it back in if it aids comprehension. For example, your first line could be cut down to "I see blue." But you can add "cloudless" back in because it shows that the narrator is talking about the sky. So your first line, less wordy, would be "I see cloudless blue." It's much more straightforward and less tangled than the version you have now. Try doing that all throughout your poem.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy YWSing.
, amazing how the visual can do that, huh?
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