"Freedom requires that you discover your own inner language - your own life rules - your own vision."--Zephyr Bloch-Jorgensen
I see nothing but a cloudless blue,
Forever stretching out in all directions.
And it's like the sea has engulfed me,
Carrying me in it's gentle waves
Away from this plain wasteland.
The ground I stand upon,
I can no longer bare for it's
Thorns have dug their way into my soul.
And these words I hear,
Seemingly innocent have ripped
From me what I have cherished most.
With each lie spewing from the
Gaping hole in his face,
That never seems to close;
I can feel everything I am,
Fall apart as if I was some form
Of a porcelain doll dropped by the
Little girl Who dared to hold.
And as I look up at this endless sea,
A single, salty-tear gently
Makes its way down my cheek.
For with every step I take,
Away from this deserted hell
I feel a weight lifted off my chest,
A breath breathed into my lungs.
But a small stone drop into my heart
Dragging it down until it
Can no longer beat.
So... with every step I take,
I move closer to death.
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139,793 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hello. Today I'm going to talk to you about line breaks.
You always* want to end a line on a strong word. A strong word is a verb or a noun. Otherwise, you're going to want to start the next line with the previous word.
Many of your lines break awkwardly at the end.
This one also has some mistakes in it. You use the wrong "its." "It's" is a contraction of the two words "it" and "is" and "its" is the possessive form. I know that most words use an apostrophe for the possessive form, but this is how it is. Also, you use the wrong "bare." You should be using "bear" as the infinitive form of the verb "to bear" means "to carry" and you're metaphorically carrying the weight of the ugliness of the place you're in. Don't end a line on "its" because it leads into a clause. It would be wiser to end after "bear" on this line.
"the" is a conjunction and you shouldn't end lines on it. End on "spewing," as it's a nice strong word.
This line break isn't quite as bad, but it would be better if you ended the line after "tear" and tacked "gently" onto the beginning of the following line.
These lines both have awkward line breaks. The first one seems not to be, but you ended the line right in the middle of the clause. Also, wordiness is an issue here. Take out "some form" and just say "as if I was a porcelain doll." In fact, this whole section needs rewording. It would be much clearer if it was written like this:
Don't end on "it." End on "down."
I also feel like this poem is very wordy. Try cutting out everything unneeded, and then adding some of it back in if it aids comprehension. For example, your first line could be cut down to "I see blue." But you can add "cloudless" back in because it shows that the narrator is talking about the sky. So your first line, less wordy, would be "I see cloudless blue." It's much more straightforward and less tangled than the version you have now. Try doing that all throughout your poem.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy YWSing.
thank u
Hi! Ruro here, happy review Day!
Onward to the review!
So I did like this, I do have a few nitpicks, but we'll get there later. For now, Wow. This was... I like the message a lot. It really was like, wow. You can link this to everyone (because we're always dying and all, right?).
So my few nitpicks:
The way you organized it. Reading it I felt it was abrupt with the way it was laid out. Like, for example:
I feel like that is super abrupt, I'm reading on one line and suddenly, blam! Where'd the line go? This might just be me, might just be for some reason it seems abrupt in this poem.
Another nitpick:
Stanzas. Stanzas are /wonderful/ things. I was tempted to back out of review this because I saw one big heaping thing and I thought, "Oh boy... I have to read all that... Can I do it?" But when I scrolled down I discovered it wasn't so long after all
But seriously, overall this was really good. I really liked the metaphors playing around and the beautiful imagery you had going on here. It was well made, and my nitpicks? You can use them or not, I just hope I offered some assistance in the end
Thanks!
Happy Review Day!
~Ruro~
thank you, i'm glad that you like this. I didn't write this for stanzas but if it really needs some then I can try to work it out.
Hi, myjaspercat! Melissa here to review your poem! I really like free verse poetry and glad that you chose to write this subject as a free verse poem. You had a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing crazy, and no spelling errors that I saw. I love the imagery your poem has to offer. I would like to know what words the narrator/MC is speaking of. I am a big believer in expansion of a piece when something is even slightly unclear, so I think that if you expanded this piece a little more, you would have no issues. I can honestly say that I felt that your ending was a bit abrupt and almost seems as if written that way for the shock value but, as I have learned, you never write something just because you want your reader to be shocked. There needs to be a reason for every word that you use in your writing. If it doesn't further your story or move it along, there is no need for it. I hope that this review and advice was at least somewhat helpful! Feel free to pm me!
thank you for your feedback, so with the words thing, i kind of meant for that to be just 'words' not really specifying but if others as well see an issue then i will be glad to change it.(thank you for bringing it up).
For the whole ending, i was aiming for someone who's not really in a 'bad' situation but in a 'bad' situation (if you get what i'm trying to say) and they feel as they become free that they are taking a not only a step into a new life, but kind of a new death as well. I hope all that made sense to you. Again thank you.