“I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” ---Jimi Hendrix
The wind and rain turned the streets to rivers
Sweeping everything away in it's horrid path
And as I looked at his eyes I felt shivers
Standing before me there's Lucifer and his wrath.
He looked me at me, eyes filled with everlasting hate
I stared right back at him, brave filled soul
He couldn't, he shouldn't have to ever wait
For myself to break apart and not be whole.
I laughed my sinister laugh and jumped in
He'd have to kill everyone before I ever leave
The world would have to freeze over before they win
Though I still had one last breath to breath.
Death himself reached out his hand, said be well
And dragged me to the depths of hell.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hi, myjaspercat. I'm going to first say this is a pretty good poem. It's written very well, and one can tell that you thought it through. The only think I could say to keep working on is transitions. The transitions were not clear at all. Many times it seemed like you were going from one idea to the idea. Sort of like just popping them in there. Keep working on that!
-B
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
sorry about the transitions, I had to write a sonnet for school and I didn't really know how to make the transitions better with sticking with the style.
srry bout that, my computer seemed to have a 'hiccup'. Again really srry.
This is such a gripping poem! I kept reading, and the phrases were so unique! What inspired you?
I think that in the poem you should say who Lucifer is. (It may be just me) I think you should be more positive about it, because you did not seem happy you wrote this, in the the description, saying it was just only something you had to write for school.
One thing I would change is this:
"He looked me at me, eyes filled with everlasting hate
I would change it to:
"He looked at me, with eyes filled with everlasting hate "
I think this would make it sound better, but it may just be me.
Over all, this was pretty good! Keep writing, and be enthusiastic!
This is such a gripping poem! I kept reading, and the phrases were so unique! What inspired you?
I think that in the poem you should say who Lucifer is. (It may be just me) I think you should be more positive about it, because you did not seem happy you wrote this, in the the description, saying it was just only something you had to write for school.
One thing I would change is this:
"He looked me at me, eyes filled with everlasting hate
I would change it to:
"He looked at me, with eyes filled with everlasting hate "
I think this would make it sound better, but it may just be me.
Over all, this was pretty good! Keep writing, and be enthusiastic!
Hey myjaspercat!!,
I really love this! It is awesome and very well written! You seem to have much talent! Perfect job!
Although, I do have one minor help. In the third from last line you said, "......breath to breath." I think the last breath should be breathe. It sounds and looks better.
Other than that, this is perfect! One again, great job!!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
yeah breath was supposed to be breathe but I had already posted it when I caught the mistake.
yeah breath was supposed to be breathe but I had already posted it when I caught the mistake.
yeah breath was supposed to be breathe but I had already posted it when I caught the mistake.
yeah breath was supposed to be breathe but I had already posted it when I caught the mistake.