“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” -- Laurell K. Hamilton
Hands reach up and out
Trying to grasp for someting solid to hold
Cause everything in her life
Feels as if it's sinking slowly in quick-sand.
Each day is longer then the rest,
Time ticking quietly as the hands on the clock
Slowly fade away-
Forever in a cloudless sky- spinning round and round.
Inside, her heart is sheltered, damaged and bruised
From years of abuse.
Hands that wandered to places unseen.
For her confidence has shattered-
Into pieces of confetti,
Littered down the path of self loathing and hate.
Her body's painted in white-pale lines
That tell the story of the blue eyed girl.
From the first breath she takes in the morning,
And every thought that she thinks -
She's not good enough to be free.
And the scars that mark her body
Tell the story of the blue eyed girl.
Who lays in the dark at night with
The same small silver blade against her skin
again...
Is she not good enough to be free?
Three words written on paper
Tell the story of the blue eyed girl.
Who one day said that all was to much.
No longer does she beat herself up- each day
Nor does she listen the voice inside-
Her head that told her she was worthless.
The blade that made the final cut,
Lay, blood soaked in her hand.
One last cry for forgiveness...
"I am sorry."
But they are still singing the blues;
Cause she is free at last.
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140,878 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Hello.
I feel this poem is nearly there, but falls flat in a single issue: reliance on the word "abuse" to describe hardship, instead of going into detail on what the abuse is.
Abuse takes on a very wide variety of forms, and by using the broadest term possible there's nothing really for me to latch onto. You describe the after-effects of abuse in a certain level of detail, but because I don't know what caused the damage I'm stuck filling in the blanks for what could have possibly happened, which is too big a pool to pull from.
This hits a lot of intellectual notes for me, from the shattered feeling to the "doesn't feel good enough", and I like trying to shine a window into what an abused person's life is like. However, because you don't describe any of the evil acts, you end up telling us instead of showing us why she commits suicide. It's a logical progression from what I know about abuse, but it doesn't tug at my heart the way I know it can.
Overall, this needs some details and darkness to really show how suicide was the only light left. Try to get more of a buildup and something to at least narrow what the word "abuse" even means, so the end really has the punch it deserves.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
the abuse that she went through was sexual molsetation, and i really didn't know how to write that. have any ideas, i am open to them
Hmmm.
I would go metaphorical and/or symbolical, focusing on bedrooms and hallway alcoves and a doll-like feeling? You could get a really good unifying metaphor with doll imagery, actually. Violations can often make you feel like your body is not yours, so puppets, ghosts, dolls, and all those "out of body" feelings are fair game.
You might also need to bump the rating, depending on the level of detail you end up going into.
Hello,
I loved your poem. You did great by telling it like a story. I am not very good a poetry but I love to read it. Your poem stood out to me. It was just the way it was worded and the descriptive lines draw a picture in the reader's mind. Overall it was a brilliant poem about cutting and how it truly feels. Although I am new so I don't have much experience, your poem was one of the best. I look forward to hopefully reading more of your work.
Have a nice day
Hi, just one thing first- "Littered down the path of self loathing ad hate", I'm guessing you meant 'and hate'. Otherwise, well done with this. It's well written and soulful, and, honestly, terrifies me. I have a friend who recently told me she self-harms, and you're right- the most important wounds don't often show. She's admitted to wanting to just end everything, and your poem describes exactly the focus of my nightmares. Your poem was deep and simple to relate to, and each rhetorical question amplified the growing sense of hopelessness. Even though I knew the coming ending, it had me gnawing on my lip like mad from the tension. One thing I think you could change (but only if you wanted to, as it doesn't take away from the overall feeling of the poem at all) is that the "that" in "Nor does she listen the voice inside-
Her head *that* told her she was worthless". I really love the line as it emphasizes everything that had been echoing in the poem so far, but I think the 'that' is inessential. Well done with this- I'm glad I read it, and I hope you have an awesome day! Good luck writing more!
thank you for your review, i am glad you liked it