A/N: again, I know I say love poems are cliche but I had to write a poem for my creative writing class that was like a positve message to society. So... this is what I came up with. Hope you all enjoy and feel free to tear it appart.
"Love me with out restriction, trust me without fear, want me without demand, acept me for who I am."---Unkown.
I.
The curtains of my out-dated windows lay open,
allowing us to sit here and watch the rain drop
slowly from the sky, whilst she lay in my lap.
Her hair smells of lavander and vanilla,
skin smooth. And with every breath she takes,
I can feel her chest rise and fall, up and down.
Lips soft and plush brush mine,
pink lipstick mixing with cherry gloss.
amazing she is...
II.
Rough skin, calused and brusied.
Hands that have spent hours working,
underneath the hot sun.
I can see his muscles ripple beneath his shirt,
and it sends trembles running down my skin.
His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a smile
A soft, sweet smile. Eyes lighting up
like fireworks on the fourth of July.
amazing he is...
III.
Four lovers from different lives,
two stories that intertwine, into a
sinful world plagued by sterotypes.
A pair of women that hold each other's
hands, live each life in the here and now
who vow to love one another for as
long as they both shall live.
A couple men that lay in bed at night,
amongst each other's arms sharing every
laugh in sweet delight for as long as they
both shall live.
We live this world, that rips apart
all love; which comes in many forms.
please, it's not our place to judge
the broken and the worn.
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I love this!!!
The poem as a whole was fabulous!
Your poem really amazed me. Your descriptions were original and so engaging (at least for me).
I thought your use of language was very mature and appropriate and your metaphors were beautiful!!! Your last few verses starting with "Four lovers from different live" were the ones that really tugged on my heart strings. You had me hooked from beginning to end.
The only thing I might check are the spelling of some words, such as "lavender," "calloused, and "bruised." But those are minor grammatical mistakes...
I hope to read more of your writing!!
~ FearlessLove4
*excited*
Hey, Will here, for a review.
Now, poetry isn't really my first choice to review (as I have said before), but I'll try my best. It's also been a year since you asked me to review this. So...let's get on with it?
Firstly, what a plot twist! Your last verse really took a turn in the poem, and with two verses of what sounded like a normal poem, it was a surprise! I will head into the third verse later in the review, but first, I think I should point out some other great things about your piece.
Your descriptions: they're so vivid and clear - it's kind of like watching a movie in some sense.
This has got to be my favourite description, basically because it sets the mood and the tone. Everything is so peaceful and subtle, that you can notice the breathing of the person in front of you. Brilliant!
Now onto the other part of the review - probably the one you wanted in the first place...
Firstly, there are some spelling mistakes I'd like to fix up.
Her hair smells of lav
aender and vanilla,Rough skin,
calusedcalloused andbrusiedbruised.sinful world plagued by stereotypes.
Those were just four little spelling mistakes I found.
An interesting pattern you've got going there. The text in bold is how many syllables each line has, and I'm not sure if you were counting syllables or not but...
My view on poetry and poems is that it is kind of nice to have a sense of rhyme, or if not rhyme, at least some sort of rhythm. If a poem has both it's just fantastic. I know, I know, I'm going back to basics here. But the basics are really what we need to follow. We shouldn't really complicate ourselves, and we should just try to have that smooth flow.
In your first two stanzas, you revolved around 9, 10, 11, and 12. So right now, I'm just going to try and recreate those two stanzas with what I call 'rhythm.' Also, what I did in the recreation was to choose words which I thought fit a little more.
I limited myself to 12 syllables (i.e. I only had a few words to play with.) Word choice is imperative in poetry as such. Have a look:
The curtains of my
out-dated windows lay open, 12allowing us to sit here and watch the rain drop 12
slowlylightly fromthe skyabove,whilst she layas I felt her in my lap. 12Her hair
smells ofemanates lavender and vanilla, 12skin smooth like butter. And with every breath she takes, 12
I
canfeel her chest rise and fall, up and down, like waves.These are just ideas! But do you see what I am getting at? If you read it out loud, it kind of is a little easier on the tongue. But again, this was just a suggestion.
I adore this part to bits! And yes, it is a huge issue these days. 5 years ago, no one would have even guessed that a revolution at this scale would take place! Heck, even Yr 7's are discussing this. And people who are still in Year 8 are discussing how they are going to be transgender. Like,
I guess it is a good thing, yet at the same time, it isn't that good. Yes, it's great that now the people who really do have those types of feelings can more easily come out, but what if it becomes 'the thing'? Gee, I wonder what would happen then.
It's a long discussion. But I'm going to leave this review with you now! Take what you want from it, and throw away what you want from it.
Sorry for the late review. I...uh...hoped...and that didn't really work too well...
Bye!
-willachilles
Thank you. I think you review poetry wonderfully. I am also glad you liked this, in fact I didn't intend for this poem to be 'that sort' so yeah. I just sat and started to write. Again thank you.
No problem! And also...thanks for the compliment
Hi there! It's been a bit since I did a review, so feel free to ask clarifying questions.
First off, I liked this. It was a relaxing read and quite pretty. The imagery is fantastic too. I really liked in the first stanza, how I could see and feel the rain coming down. It was a very calm scene and I really enjoyed it.
I also liked the irony (?) of describing the world that is positioned against them as sinful, because often their relationships are described as sinful. So, I liked that you flipped that around to say that it's hate that is truly sinful.
Just a few short notes,
1. "I can feel her chest rise and fall, up and down."
-That might be better as 2 separate sentences. You read rise and fall and you can visualize it, and then you read up and down and you visualize it again. It would keep with the calm theme of the stanza if there was a pause between "rise and fall" and "up and down"
2. "amazing he is..."/"amazing she is..."
- I think there should be a comma there. "Amazing, he is".
-While I think the inverted nature of the sentence is a bit awkward, I like the repetition. However, I think it should also continue. Once you read it in the first 2 stanzas, you feel like you should be reading it again in the last stanza and it's not there. Perhaps adding "amazing, they are."
Hope I helped. I really liked your poem over all. Great flow and fantastic imagery. Keep writing!
thank you, I'm really glad you liked this. I really wanted to write a piece that showed the whole 'gay' thing in a different way so I hope that's what you got out of it when you said what you did above. Anyways, again thank you and I will take into consideration your few suggestions.