"Imagination does not become great until human beings, given the courage and the strength, use it to create.” ---Maria Montessori
I have lived upon this world,
Since the day life and everything it is, was created.
And I have watched as,
each slimy, furry, hairless creature came to be.
I have lived through
each day as if it was to be my last.
Jumping around on the fire of insanity,
from host to host.
And though I have seen many,
A brains and what they think,
I still feel abandoned
Never as if have I found my one true home.
For I know live in a world
Where children are not to dream as they once,
used to dream,
And reality is shoved down every willing throat.
And for when the days shall come,
that there is no more of me to go around.
I will solemnly,
Shut off my inside light,
grab my bags of sanity,
and join the world that stands by my side.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey there! I really enjoyed this poem. It has great word usage and great points. It portrays well the idea you wanted to give off. At least from what I got out of it. And lastly, the title fits in so well, and it got my attention.
Hey, myjaspercat. This is a cool poem! It really surprised me when I began reading to find out the speaker of the poem was imagination itself--I really enjoyed that. My suggestions for you are mostly punctuation and grammar.
First of all, most professional poems are flush with the left margin, instead of making the lines centered. I once read that to center the lines of a poem is usually the mark of an amateur, (and I used to center all my poetry!) so now I always align my poems left.
Second, pick one rule you'll use to capitalize the first word of each line and stick to it. Either capitalize all the lines or capitalize only the words that begin a new sentence. (If you do this, make sure not to capitalize after commas.)
Third, a lot of these lines don't need a comma at the end. If one would normally need the comma in a sentence that was just a prose sentence and not divided into lines, then use the comma. But if no one would normally put a comma in that place, don't. For example:
No comma needed at the end of the first line or in the middle of the second. "Since the day" to "was created" is a dependent clause. A dependent clause at the very beginning of a sentence needs a comma after it, but a dependent clause at the end of a sentence does not use a comma. Plus, I'm thinking "in this world" might be a better preposition use than "upon this world." Also, "Since" should not be capitalized here.
Again, no comma.
First, "was" in the first line is supposed to be "were," because "were" is the correct usage of the past subjunctive. This seems like a really strange rule, because often we don't think about how we use the subjunctive mood in English, but that's actually what it should be.
I also think these lines might flow better if you deleted the period after last and made "Jumping" lowercase, since these lines could easily be one flowing sentence instead a sentence and a fragment. (Fragments aren't always terrible, but here it seems unnecessary and awkward.)
Lastly, the comma after insanity doesn't need to be removed--but it doesn't necessarily need to be there. I think the sentence would read fine either way: "on the fire of insanity, from host to host" or "on the fire of insanity from host to host."
"A brains" is a typo. It wouldn't make sense to correct it to "a brain" because then you mention "they," which is plural. Just delete "A," leave "brains" lowercase, and delete the comma in the line above. In the last line, make "Never" lowercase and switch "have I" to "I have." Or: put a period after the third line and change the last to "Never have I found my one true home."
The things I marked are either commas to be deleted or words to make lowercase. Except "are not to"--that just seems like awkward phrasing to me. Replace "are not to" with "do not." I would also remove "willing." Reality "shoved" sounds like it doesn't matter if the people are willing or not--this is done to both the willing and unwilling, right?
Don't feel like this is a super lot of things to correct--most of the stuff I noticed is just the same kind of mistakes repeated all throughout. I also write really long reviews for everything, not just you! There are no problems with the idea that you have here--the poem is an uncut gem, but the grammar and punctuation and capitalization drag it down. Otherwise, this is a pretty awesome idea for a poem.
Keep writing!
~ jessiethought ~
thank you for your review, I don't care how long they are the longer the better. Anyways, I have been taught to add commas were I want the reader to take a breath (pause) so yeah. And about the lining in the middle, I just prefer it sometimes, depending on the poem and length because it looks better in my mind. Thank you again.
Sure, no problem. Good luck with all your writing!
Wow, @myjaspercat ! You are on a roll! Wasn't it just yesterday I saw something new from you, also?
First of all, I must say I liked this poem better than the other one from you that I saw. The length of this one seemed to make it easier to understand, at least for me.
I saw a couple grammatical mistakes. You said, "A brains and what they think". I believe that you should have said "a brain" with no plural. Another thing was you said "For I know live in this world", which confused me. I think you just made a typo and meant to say "now", but I'm not quite sure.
I also really like the idea of this poem. The person having to shut off their imagination and join reality. I think it is very creative.
Thanks for the read!
Shinobi
thank you and the part with 'know' was a typo, but I was kinda lazy to fix it, thank for pointing out though. Glad you like it.