I once heard a story, of a girl who thought she could-
she thought she could reach the moon,
and even if she missed she'd land among the stars.
Yet that was all just a child's tale, meant
to keep dreamers dreaming, because
she reached for the moon but landed
among the darkness of the night sky
in the in between voided space of emptiness
and light.
She wore her heart on her sleeve,
that was her first mistake.
Because people abused it, they abused her
they thought that they could toy with her feelings and
twist them into knotted rope until the tension
was to much to much to bare.
And then they'd let go.
She wore her heart on her sleeve,
and she continued to smile.
She continued to put others before her self,
to make people laugh because she believed
that ten seconds of kindness is better then
none at all.
She could barely look in the mirror,
that was her second mistake.
Because what she saw, people could mold it
they could push and prod and. mold. it.
And that's what they did, they continued
molding her skin until she longer
recognized herself.
She was this fat, ugly person
who didn't deserve to be
loved.
She could barely look in the mirror,
until she stopped try at all.
But she still told herself that she was pretty,
that she was perfect,
that no matter what people said to her,
she'd still believe in herself.
She gave up,
that was her third mistake.
Because, she terrified-
like this fear lingered inside her,
covering her heart and her soul in its inky
corruption, where it thickened into black tar
and tore her down, little by little
until nothing was left,
but the hollow shell of
a human.
She gave up,
on love, on friendship and almost on life.
But for some reason,
a little voice inside her head told her to keep trying
that the fight wasn't over yet.
She started to wake up early in the mornings,
then she'd go to her mirror and smile,
as she held up the fat on her stomach and
realized that there was less now then there was last week.
And she'd pull her hair back and look
at her face, that looked back at her
and she looked happy.
And for one moment,
despite the pressing tar of the fear that
lingered inside her soul
she could feel a warmth
spread through her body.
I once heard a story of a girl who thought she could,
she believed she'd change the world.
She believed that ten seconds of kindness was
better then none at all.
And while she began to give up on herself,
she didn't give up on others,
so the world didn't give up on her.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,601 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
(short review warning...)
Nice, and I feel this is almost like a spoken word poem (because of the length and the more on the narrative part.) Love the way you write but some lines ended badly like
I think it is better to not just break the lines wherever you like. I know this is free verse, but ignoring some rules are quite devastating. The lines above can be
You can change it into anything else, but try sorting them better. If you having difficult with this, try reading out loud the poem and make lines break at pauses or any significant points.
And you left the red no there.
And I notice there is a lot of "And's" all over your poem. Try cutting the extra fat.
zzz
YOOOOOOOO
This was like a super good poem first of all. Your style of writing is really easy to read and just understand what is happening, the exact opposite of this review, I'm rambling all over the place.
At first I thought this was a really sad poem, so I'm glad it had a happy ending. It reminded me of the Netflix show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, who has a motto that says "you can do anything for ten seconds. Once the ten seconds is over just start counting again."
Good read. Please write more poems, thank you.
thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you liked the show and I guess I'm going to have to look up this show now.
I'm internally screaming right now. That was the honest-to-God best poem I've read in a loooong time. You did so good! I love how the character evolved throughout the story, going from self-hatred to accepting herself for who she is. In fact, is it okay if I use this in a book I'm writing, if I give you credit at the end? Please? Oh, and I loved the fact that this was a free-verse, but you could tell it was still a poem, and not just a story or essay. Not many writers can pull that off. It was so descriptive, so intriguing, so riveting.
Not to be a nazi but there were a few grammar mistakes, such as "She continued to put others before her self" instead of "herself." and in the line,"and realized that there was less now then there was last week. " Which should be "and realized that there was less now than there was last week."
Okay, anyways, this was amazing and thank you so much for writing this. I hope you continue the good work, and I can't wait to see what you do next.
Thank you so much for the review. A little bit about this piece --I wrote it about myself two days ago so it's probably one the more personal pomes of mine on her (not that they're not all personal) Feel free to use it in your book, and let me know where you have it or if you plan to post it somewhere, I'd love to read it. Finally, most of my poetry in-fact is free verse, I just feel less like I'm forcing myself to write something then when I use a rhyme scheme. Thank you again for the review and pointing out the few mistakes.