A/N: I got board after an assessment so I decided to write a poem, I haven't really written one since fourth grade. Hope you like it, ENJOY.
“She lies there,
Pale and still,
Yet the evil Lucifer,
Has not yet stolen her beauty.
Her face is not without imperfection,
But captured in a picture of eternity,
Her hands rest across her chest,
Each delicate finger curled around a bundle of roses.
Where they will stay, wither, die,
The dress she wears, cloaks her body,
Like a black blanket, filling the,
Oh so little space of her brand new bed.
She seams peaceful, once again,
Not burdened by the pain of a torturous life.
She looks young,
Beautiful,
She has finally succumbed to death’s cold embrace.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Radrook here for review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. If I offend I apologize. Not my intension. That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about how peaceful a cadaver appears in her coffin prior to burial. It reminded me of another poem written about the same thing but done in a far more nebulously indirect way. I like yours much better since it goes straight to the point. Poems about death are always effective in strong emotions and this one was no different. How can a human look so beautiful and full of life and yet be gripped in the merciless vice of death is an irony which is very difficult to accept. The poem captures that irony very effectively by meticulously describing just how beautiful the woman appears in her casket. I'm sure that most readers were surprised by the conclusion but I expected it from the outset because of my previous read.
The tone and vocabulary are excellent as is the arrangement of the poem on the page. Very artistic! Very impressive work and I look forward to reading more.
Suggestions
[But] the evil Lucifer,.... [In order to avoid repeating the word "ÿet"]
She [seems] peaceful,
....wither, die[.]
....of eternity[.]
....Beautiful[.]
First off, nice poem.. I really liked it. It was a little creepy, but you know it's amazing. I'm just kind of speechless right now.
I like how I could pretty much picture the whole thing in my mind. I just, think it's great. It helps the reader a lot when they can picture whats going on in their mind, and I really liked how you did that. I wish I could write as good as this, but you know, I'm different than you, and everybody else.
Your imagery was definitely working at the point. I mean the poem is just amazing. How did you come up with something like this!?
Anyway I thought this poem was really good, and I really liked it.
Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
P.S. I really think you should write more poems like this one! <3
Thank you so much, I am glad you liked my poem.
No problem.
Wow this left me a tad bit speechless. It was amazing in my mind. I like dark and twisted writing and wish I could write it myself. This was definitely amazing dark writing. I even like how you included Lucifer, which shocks myself. I like how I could picture the whole thing, you imagery was definitely on point. You should definitely keep up the good work, it was amazing.
thank you
Hello!
This was dark and peaceful. I can say I enjoyed those two mixed feelings a lot.
I think the title was a good introduction to this poem, so good job there.
It's great to see people writing poetry and putting it out there. Please don't let anything I say in this review deter you from reviewing.
Okay I'm going to do the unthinkable. I'm going to mention grammar in a poetry review *collective gasp*
SO. You have punctuation at the end of every line. You do not need it there in some places. The commas actually detract from the clarity of the poem, in my opinion.
For example:
If you were writing this like prose, you would write "Yet the evil Lucifer has not yet stolen her beauty." When you put a comma there, the reader stops and tries to think "wait what was that again? Why is there a comma there?"
Now if that's you're style to put it there, that's fine, but really, you don't have to have it. If it was that someone told you to put it there, don't listen to them. They don't know the rules of poetry (which are nonexistent). Also don' feel like you have to capitalize every line. It's not necessary, but some people choose to do it. If I were you, I would write this out as prose, then reformat it into poetry, not changing the grammar, but of course this is my style and you should feel no pressure to do it at all.
There were a few other grammar mistakes in general, such as run-on sentences, and unneeded commas in the middle of the line rather than the end.
Also, I noticed down there, you talked about how you were taught to write poetry with quotes around it. Again, don't listen to these people (unless of course you actually just like doing it). There are no rules you need to follow for free-verse poetry, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
This line just looks like it has a typo:
As for the content, I like it. I like the way you described her, and I like all the poetic devices you used. You used nice descriptive words, but I'm clamoring for more! I'd love to see one more metaphor that weaves throughout the poem to make it like a song. In particular, I like the part about the roses.
I also like the last line. It seems very final. I really don't have much to critique about the content. Just... be sure you stay away from cliches.
Great job! Keep writing!
Keep writing poetry!
~fortis
thank you, I really enjoy your comments, I will definitely take into account for what you advised.
Hello myjaspercat!
First off, nice poem! It's kind of creepy, but the sort of thing that makes you feel happy for her. Because she is at peace. I really like this part:
What I do not understand, is that there are quotes around it, and yet you never say where it came from. Just putting it out there. But on the whole, this was a great work!
~Kelpies.
thank you, and I know that I put quotes around it. I normally do it with all of my poems either because they are pulled from a story I am writing, or just because that is how I was taught to write poetry.
Oh, ok.
Hey ! Its a great poem and very mature . The only minus point is that you should write why you think she is so beautiful . : -)
Thank you
I really like your poem. The way you describe is so interesting, and even though it's just a poem i'm drawn in and entranced by this cold and mysterious corpse. I actually really like the referance to Lucifar. Most people wouldn't think to us that name and it adds a little more matureness to the piece. The way you described her face was really nice, but if you could add a better description of her features i feel that it would just add a bit more uniqueness to it.
thank you, I enjoy reading everyone's opinion. Actually I just wrote this today, so it's kind of like a rough draft, if I rewrite it I will consider your tip.