A/N: Hey guys, ok so I found a book of poetry of mine from when I was in like six/seventh grade and I decided to share this one. I know it wont be as good as some of my other ones but I would still like to know all your amazing opinions. Thanks...
"I'll see you on the other side."-Unknown
There's a problem with me I know
No one can here me
I stand here all alone
In a place were the shadows grow
It's were the old have been renewed
Were the diseases all around are absent
The place I stand is were the impossiable
Has been discovered
Yet nothing new has been found
Emptyness is filled with life and life is
Filled with emptyness
A place were past, present and future
Collide
I watch from this place
With sorrow filled eyes
As I see the great distress I now have caused
I wonder why it happened that day
Should I have been there?
Or just far away?
Whatever the cause
It is done with out a second glance
I dont remember how
But what I do remember is the pain
It felt like forever
Yet lasted only seconds
I now sit and watch in unending silence
With only the thought of my friends
And family
I know soon I will see again
If only I had a way to show them this poem
Then maybe they would find some relief
I wish I could seem like I'm in their lives or
I wish they too could be here with me
But until then I will wait here
On the other side.
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Happy Review Day! I'll start the review off by a few nitpicks I saw.
"were," should be "where". This also happened again here
Both the "were," should be "where," instead. I think you either got a little confused or were typing fast. It would be nice if you fixed those three typos, thank you.
Oh, and one last nitpick.
"No one can here me," should actually be "No one can hear me". Simple mixed up that can easily be fixed.
This was a really neat and interesting poem. I've never seen anything like it, which it is nice to read a new clean poem. It was a simple yet not simple poem. Great length, strong words, it was wonderful.
Nothing else to say here, you didn't have any other nitpicks besides the ones I listed. I think the poem will be nicer quality and all once the nitpicks I've listed are fixed. It's quality is already great, though. But when you have nitpicks, you should fix them. :/
Well, bye and Happy Review Day!
~ Sunset101
thank you, I wrote this a long time ago so it's nice to know I wasn't terrible back then
Hey, myjaspercat, Cynder here. I wanted to review this, as I also write about topics similar to this one. I start off with praise, because I know I certainly couldn't have written that well at the age you were when you did this. Your point comes across pretty well, and you had an emotional element to it all. Now for the criticism. I think you could develop this more. You can leave this as the way it is and then make another, better poem with the same topic to show how you've improved as a writer. I think that would be a really good read. Moving on, you might want to show more than tell if you do decide to make an edited version. The good thing about what you did is that, by sticking to the point, you veer off topic less. The downside to that is that your writing comes off as sort of bland. By showing rather than telling, you add more interest to your poem. I say all this hoping it well help you, but you don't have to take my advice. You could just leave it the way it is if you really wanted to and that would be fine. I think you can achieve more though, and make more use of your points. To end, your poem was dark and lovely, so thanks for sharing it with me. Keep up the good work.
~Cynder out.
I'm glad you liked it. I appreciate your help, and I will definitly take into consideration when I look back to do a rewrite. Thank you
Don't mention it.
Hey, myjaspercat Nice poem you have here. At first I couldn't tell what you were going for but yet you words kept me going forward until I reached the end. I am still yet confused and have a few questions. Did this person die? Did they commit suicide? Is this person waiting in heaven to be reunited with his or her loved ones? I think it Is over all great but you could use a little more visuals to help the reader get what is happening. For instant, as I was reading I saw this broken person who was confused in the beginning, then they find a place where all is perfect Heaven (the other side) I'm guessing? Either way though nice I would love to read more from you.
thank you, the narrator was murdered and not really in heaven or hell (just on the 'other side') but yeah it is an old poem