"Rain fills the streets
Turning them from calm, pedestrian filled roads
To roaring rivers
Sweeping everything away.
Wind blows with
Such fierceness that it sweeps me off my feet,
Carrying me in its cold embrace
To a place that isn’t home.
I try to cry out,
But when I do water and air fill my lungs
Choking me, making me cough
I am afraid.
I am swept out to sea
Tossed into the churning waters,
Nothing in sight
But the vast emptiness of the ocean.
With nowhere to go
I stop, take a second to breathe
And let the roaring currents
Suck me under.
I watch as the last of the sunlight gently fades away,
Plunging me into perpetual darkness.
My lungs start to scream
But there isn’t any more air .
I stole the rest of it,
With my last breath
Took something from the world,
Made sure I didn’t leave without a fight.
But now, I am just waiting
Waiting for the lack of oxygen
To make me start to scream
To scream louder then I already was,
I
am waiting for my muscles to give up
and my body to shut down
One by one.
I am waiting
For death to extend it’s dark skeleton fingers
And drag me into the empty abyss of hell. "
-Myjaspercat
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Hi there!
First thing I notice about this poem is that there is no punctuation. There doesn't have to be punctuation in a poem of course, you can write it whatever way you want. However, punctuation is very important to how a poem reads and sounds. I'm not going to sit here and point out where you could put punctuation in your poem. Instead I'm going to give you my impression of the poem as it stands now which will hopefully help you figure out if this poem works without the punctuation or not.
Reading through this poem, I realize that it's one giant sentence. There are a few commas here, but other than that nothing else to indicate a break. So as I read through it, it just keeps going and going until I hit a comma, a break, and then it keeps going until I hit a comma again. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with the subject of the poem. Maybe the speaker is rushing through this poem because they don't really want to talk about the experience. The second, and last, stanza of the poem gives the impression that the speaker has doe something rather wrong in their life. Why else would the speaker be waiting to be dragged down to Hell? (also, Hell should be capitalized as it is a place) In that case it makes sense for the poem to be written as it is, for the speaker to be rushing through their story, so the lack of punctuation makes sense.
What I really like about this poem is the use of commas. There are only three, if I counted correct, in this poem, but they are placed very well. They break the fast pace of the poem at just the right place. When it gets to be too fast, a comma is there. When it gets to be a bit overwhelming to read, a comma is there. It's just a simple punctuation mark, but it is so effective in the pace and flow of the poem.
Quick question:
Is this supposed to be one line or two? I'm just wondering. The formatting makes it look like two lines, but I feel like it's supposed to be one seeing as the word 'and' is lowercase and that goes against your pattern of each line starting with a capital letter.
I'm trying to figure out exactly what tone your speaker is using here. It seems to be a depressed and defeated tone. And that fits well with the content of the poem. The speaker is talking about this experience that terrifies them. How could any other tone work?
I have a few nitpicks for you:
There should be a comma after the word 'calm'. The reason for this isn't just because of the sentence structure, but also because of the feeling of the line. The line is describing a street that is usually calm and filled with people. A comma helps create the image of this calm street by slowing the pace just a bit. That'll paint a picture of the street on a normal day so the sudden rush of water will be more intense.
The last of what light? I'm assuming that you mean the light of the sun, but it's not exactly clear. While it's nice imagery, it has t be described in more detail. Hopefully that won't throw off the flow of the line and the poem.
This is a bit hard to believe. When someone is not getting enough oxygen, they can't breathe, much less scream. Even if this is meant to a figurative action, it isn't very realistic. Also add in the fact that the speaker is underwater where they can't scream. Maybe think about changing the second line here.
There is a nice turn here at the end of the poem. Throughout the poem, I was under the impression that the speaker would continue to describe these terrible events that they are experiencing. Instead, however, it seems that they have given up and is just waiting for death to take them. The tone still stays consistent at the end, but it is indeed a turn. It's something that we weren't expecting. I like it.
Overall you've got a good poem here. Your use of imagery really brings it to life and helps us connect to the speaker. If you fix just a few things, I think this'll be a perfect poem.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
thank you, I will go back and fix the run on sentences.
Hey, Lylas here to review!
First off - Welcome to YWS, glad you're sharing your work with us
Now to the poem.
The title should be "Dark as my Heart", not "Dark as my heart". I do like the title though, it draws me in.
I love how you centered the text, make it look a lot more clean
Wow. This poem is amazing! That last stanza is so powerful, it took my breath away. Couldn't have said it better
My one criticism would be the flow. It kind of sounds choppy, which works at the end but not the beginning.
After I have read this I realize how amazing the title is for this poem. Consider the main character is going to hell, and she's in the ocean. The ocean is dark, as dark as her heart would be considering she's going to hell.
Very well done, could use some improving! I can't wait to see what else you come up with
- Kamryn (Lylas)
thank you.
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I love the darkness it had behind it and the inner turmoil displayed in physical manifestations. There is however, room for improve. I believe the poem needs to flow a little better, so if I were you, I would consider revising the format and syntx. Other than that I thought it was great.
thank you.