Cotton candy, sweet and sickly fills the air
With the stench of it’s strong as fuck perfume.
As if not enough,
You gag as the smell of pansies and roses
Mix’s with the other.
Glass distorted from each sticky, speckled spray,
Blue, black and green dusting the marble
Counter top.
Falling from each plastered, cake face.
Metal slams against metal,
Gossip fills the air.
Each fake doll faces,
And knock off designer clothes
You want to understand what life has to,
Do with ribbon and bows,
Flats and boots,
Leggings and shorts.
Someday, one day, when you cannot wait,
You will finally leave this horrible place.
There would be no more choking,
Dodging or fake smiles.
You wont have to see another push up,
Padded bra.
No more spray tanned bodies,
Or bleach blond hair.
No more locker room girls.
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140,201 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello.
This is universally experienced subject matter, something that every person who went to high school has gone through. I totally understand the POV, it is gives off the proper emotions to help convey your message. It's very "in the moment" (for a lack of a better phrase) in that the emotions are strong but the reasoning and holistic analysis are lacking, which is completely fine because that doesn't seem to be the intention of the poem. It has an undertone of desperation because it is consciously realizing the regression of society: people following trends and ignoring the fact that their existence, in reality, is not important. Despite some erratic punctuation, which seems to help convey the anger of the narrator, this is a well done, statement of a poem.
Hello.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
I understand the sentiments in this poem. I have felt them myself when I was younger. However, I feel that this poem isn't very mature.
A mature poem would take time to look and observe, but also feel from the other side, as well. Here, I see someone looking in from the outside, and saying that everyone is fake. I'm sure that the narrator does some things that aren't true to them, either. Perhaps their parents make them wear clothes they think look stupid. Or dress in all black to impress their friends. Everyone is doing the same thing in high school: trying desperately to fit in with something, whether that's the popular people, the goths, or the band nerds. Judging other people for trying to fit in is a futile exercise, as it makes everyone look like a hypocrite.
So really, my suggestion for this poem is to take some time and try to feel it from the other side, as well. I'm sure they're in the same boat as the narrator, just with different things.
I won't fix all your grammar mistakes for you-- just get one of your friends with a good grasp of the English language to go through with a red pen for you.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
This is too true @myjaspercat! I have never enjoyed the locker room and I don't think anyone else has. You've truly captured the picture in this piece. Nice job!
I don't really see to many things to critique in here, but I have a few comments to add. Oh, but wait! I almost forgot... Happy Review Day!!!
Mix's with each other.
I think that you meant to say mixes, right? I makes sense if that is so.
I think that some of your lines do not need commas at the end but you might want to use semicolons or just leave it with nothing.
The word won't in the fifth to last line needs an apostrophe and the word it's in the second line does not need one.
The rest is fine. I really like the subject matter and it really helped to know that I'm not alone in my troubles. I hope that you keep writing and hope that I helped a bit.
- Magenta
thank you so much. I bored in class one day, so I wanted to write a poem that really spoke to a lot of people. Glad you liked it.
Haha, I see the emotion you have here:) Actually, I don't like the locker room girls either. I got elbowed in the face once, that was fun. Anyway, I think you are a bit excessive in the punctuation, a little simplicity would really help here. I would also go back and edit because,
should have a "that" between if and not. Next, I would get rid of the word "other" in because you should really just say what other is. Restate the other smells because other is like it, and you shouldn't you use "it" that often. Honestly, I do that too, and it just seems like extra work sometimes, but it pays off in the end. You sound more professional, you readers understand your writing more, and then their reviews start to become more helpful. I don't mean to intrude, but I hope my advice helps you. Thanks for the little story, and you're not the only one who gets annoyed by the locker rooms. I would also explain why you have the fake smiles. I think I get it, but other readers might not. So give more detail to that, and it would greatly help the plot. I can tell you have emotion behind this, but it doesn't convey very well into your writing. Could you add a little more emotion to it? I can see your thought processes, but they aren't very cohesive, and don't connect well, in my opinion. Anyway, great work, overall. It was fun to review. See ya later