i am made of clay
of driftwood bark
of paper-mâché.
i am made of tears
made of fears
and guilty years.
i am stitched of seams
from broken dreams
and made-up thoughts.
i am stitched of frays
from agonizing days
and sickening lies.
~
i am not what they thought...
a pure and happy ray.
i am bendable, moldable, changeable--
i am made of clay.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey,
First off thanks for sharing your work with the rest of us. I always feel like poetry is such a gift because so often it holds a personal piece of the writer.
So you have a lot of nice imagery in this work. However I think my favorite line is.
It just sounds so smooth to the ear and it expresses with such brilliance of the shattered quality of the person.
I don't have any real critics however I would suggest removing the break between these two verses.
It is unnecessary.
Anyway, my final request would be that you would capitalize the 'i's in your poem. Lack of punctuation make me feel like the writer doesn't really care that much about their work. Just typed it up on their phone and then copied and pasted it here. You are very talented. Your writing deserves to be noticed and respected. Don't give anyone a reason to think you are less talented then you are.
Have a awesome day.
-DG
Hello SnazzyPencil,
First off, cute username.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. It flowed seamlessly, and introduced me to your character as a writer perfectly.
Your use of lower case letters was non-traditional, and I feel it was used to great effect. It gives the impression of youth, or innocence, or urgency.
My favorite part was the opener:
"i am made of clay
of driftwood bark
of paper-mâché..."
Ordinarily, I will provide some small token of constructive criticism in my reviewings of any work. I am happy to say that I'm coming up empty! You've captured the malleability and shape-shifting nature of not only the writer, but of the human as well, superbly. Well done!
I hope you continue with your talent, and write often! Looking forward to seeing more of your pieces on YWS. If you would like me to review any other works, feel free to shoot me a PM.
Have a great day!
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Hey SnazzyPencil,
.
Long time no talk! I miss you <3
I like that your rhymes aren't forced in this poem. Some of them felt a little off, "frays/ray" for example, but overall, what lines do rhyme are good. I just wish you'd actually stuck to a scheme rather than jumping around like that. It's better to either go all out, or stay away from rhymes, and this one didn't really do either.
I think what makes that work anyway is that it sort of sets the poem for being bendable. The poem is about something that changes, is malleable, and flexible, and the poem itself changes over time. I think you could change it more if that's what you're going for though, push the boundaries with capitalization too, and punctuation. Don't just play with one aspect of it changing if you're going to be bashing my sense of order by changing from a rhyme scheme of abab to aabb etc.
I think the message of the poem is good, and the visuals are good too. Something feels a little off, probably the line size in general, but I can't really put my finger on it and say 'THIS IS OFF' which means I'd give it okay/high marks in most categories of style and stuff. I think the only thing I wouldn't say would get high marks would be uniqueness. This poem doesn't really do much that's new to me. I read a short story once about a ragdoll girl who was sewn together in this horrific manner, and it really stuck with me. It went into vivid detail about the way the stitches poked through her skin and all of that, so this really doesn't do much but remind me of that. It's the same thought that Sally from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" has, and writing poems about stitched up people is about as common as images of broken hearts stitched back together by new boyfriends. Really common.
That being said, I think you are getting really good at poetry, keep writing! I love to see what you're doing, so keep it up.
Hello, Steggy here for a review!
I definitely like what were you are going with this poem since I'm sure some people could easily relate to this. Your rhyming scheme caught my eye from when I first started reading it, with some couplets here and there. This does add onto that remorse feeling. Now, onto the review!
The topic you've chosen to write this poem about seems a bit cliche but you take a different route of explaining the feeling. Comparing it to clay makes me think that you are changing away from these feeling and into something grander; then again, clay can also get dirty but that is just my view on the theme of your poem.
These first few lines of this stanza are nicely put but they all share the same idea in mind: I'm fragile so please be careful or something similar. This is a nice way of putting it which then creates a strong beginning to your poem. However, a small suggestion, you could try rhyming. There are some spots throughout this poem that could rhyming and I think this one could use it. I am suggesting this because it can keep the poem, itself, constant with it's rhyming couplets and whatnot.
Towards the ending of this simple stanza, I like to suggest a few words that could be added in the last line.
If you added "and plenty", it would flow nicer; but then again, this is merely a suggestion and you don't have to take this into consideration.
You are bouncing all over the place with these thoughts, in my opinion. Perhaps try focusing on a singular object per line rather than giving examples as to what you are. Another thing I noticed would be, I think you should have "from broken dreams" in the same stanza of "i am stitched of seams" because they fit together like a puzzle. When you have separate lines, that usually means it is going into something else.
Also, I think "lives" sounds a better word for "thoughts" because I feel as though it adds more onto the total theme of your poem.
I think this ending is the strong but can be improved; what I mean by that would be "bendable, moldable, changeable" all mean the same thing. In most poems that I've read, the poet tries to not use the same word meaning throughout a single poem and I think this poem would be a prime example of that.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem because of the total theme and how easy it can get someone to relate to this. The lower caps throughout the poem and the lack of punctuation also gave towards the type of feeling (which I think is sadness?)
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy