i die on paper,
the process is a flowing flood -
for the pen is my knife
and the ink is
my blood.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hi. my name is kman134. i'm here to review.
"I die on paper, the process is a flowing flood -"
this reminds me of how i write. when writing, my creativity is floated on the pages.
"for the pen is my knife"
To me, the pen is a scalpel and i'm making an incision to the paper.
"and the ink is my blood."
When i write, i write the pages with my blood, feeling my works become a park of me.
I hope you write more.
Hey SnazzyPencil,
First Impressions: Short, and sweet. It's okay, but to be honest I wasn't too impressed. I suppose it's because this sort of thing has been done before, and there's not too many spectacular things about it that jump out at me.
Positives: So this is completely aesthetic, but the overall feel and nature of your poem is, obviously, cutting things, and the way that you have it formatted here, including the choice of vocabulary, resembles that very feeling. I sense that you're cutting down through the screen with your keys as you type, ending it in a swift slice, and then it's over. Not sure if you made it to be that way, but figured I would say it.
Negatives:
While this is not necessarily a negative, to me it is not a positive because it knocks your poem's rank down a bit. The fact that you've used a flood to talk about your death, (coupled with blood and ink in the last two lines,) is perfectly fine, but throwing the word "flowing" on there is just cliche. Guess what everyone thinks when they hear the word flowing? Guess what everyone thinks when they hear the word flood? It's just no adding to the piece, and if it's not building, then it must be doing the opposite.
So, in such a short poem, we're seeking for minimum output and maximum power. We want each word to mean something more than the previous, but here you've just chucked the obvious of using a pen to write, and a knife to cut. My advice: consider either changing which items you use, (lol, sounds like Clue,) or the vocabulary that you use to describe it. A knife can become a "dagger" in simplest of forms, but there's a lot of things you could use, )I thought of "dirk," as it's a more archaic word, and "vendetta," which isn't exactly the same thing, but they always seem to go hand in hand, and it builds some more depth into it. But those are just examples of what I mean, to try to explain.)
Overall: I think it's great and though there are a few things that could be done to improve its quality, there's definitely no reason to be sad about this one. Great job. Keep it up!
I give it:
This may be short, but it's definitely meaningful. I would recommend, though, expanding this into a longer poem. I know that it may take away meaning, but I don't think you'll have a problem with it. I think that this would work very well as the very last stanza for a poem. Overall, it's a great poem-------8/10