I think what you have here is a fun little exercise in rhythm. I like reading this poem out loud.
It might not help to hear this, considering Nikayla's review, but I think the last stanza is the weakest simply because it breaks away from the structure of the poem. If you kept yourself in line with the system you've set up for the previous stanzas, perhaps adding a couple more stanzas describing the narrator's smitten state, you'd have a very good, very fun bit of sound on paper.
-
Nitpicks:
Why the parentheses in stanza two?
Hyphens and em dashes are two different creatures. For example, on the line "My heart- it bounces," that hyphen should be replaced with an em dash and there should be no spaces. That way you'll have "My heart—it bounces,". You use the "—" if you want to separate ideas.
There's an extra space at the end of "my heart beats faster -" between the last word and the hyphen.
-
Don't be afraid to take this poem and have some fun with it. Experiment even more. Make some noise with these words!
Points: 15
Reviews: 6
Donate