I am from “who knows where”
from flat fields and forests
(stretch out into nothing).
I am from aged hymns and amens
from padded pews (harder than arithmetic)
and carpeted floors I’ve walked;
it’s all I’ve known.
-
I am from pretending
from crusaders and spies
and the time my hand
discovered a nail jutting out
and metal met flesh.
“Hello, nice to meet you.”
-
I am from sampling the air
when I walked to piano lessons
after school (tasted nervous).
I am from the library,
from paper and pen
(and the computer, if we’re honest).
I am from sheltered starts,
from unbending beginnings.
-
I am from “who knows where”
from the old world; the past.
From “wait to me” to
“I’ll catch up” -
I am afraid I will not last.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
This is a great example of a "where I'm from poem" done well! I remember writing these back in high school, and it always shocks me how many people make their's so generic. You added a lot of specificity to yours though, so at the end I felt like I knew the speaker a little better and I was interested in what you had to say.
I thought that there was a lot of sort of unnecessary punctuation here, like the hyphens, quote marks all over, and parenthesis, but since every stanza had a little of that at least it was consistent.
I think your strongest stanzas were the 1st and 3rd since they gave concrete imagery that felt like it linked to a greater story. In your 2nd stanza I wondered if the hand meeting metal was an allusion to the crucifixion story linking to your church description in stanza 1. I have to admit that I thought the "hello nice to meet you" part was really awkward to read - everything leading up to it was so serious that it really caught me off guard. I think if you are going to retain that, you might want to put another section or line that is similarly light and jovial so that it's not all serious besides that one line, or else it really stands out in an uncomfortable way.
I also thought that the last two lines were a bit unclear - I get the trying to catch up part I guess, but does "I am afraid I will not last" mean that they're unsure they'll continue living, or that they'll not continue to be seen?
Another thing you might want to look at is adding a bit more continuity to the piece, it was hard to see the same person going from stanza to stanza since they each were so different.
Even with those critiques there were so many great lines in this. You've got a great way of phrasing things, where I really feel like I have a sense of the emotion behind it - for instance
that's great! I love how you phrased that.
Lovely poem here! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
~alliyah
Yeah, I was hoping that sarcastic line in the 2nd stanza didn't stand out as much as I thought it did. xD I need to work on consistency in my voice (once I find it). Thanks so much for the review; this really helped!
Hey there Snazzy,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review on such a wonderful day.
1)Nit-picks/Line-by-Line
Spoiler
2) Formatting and structure
For the most part you have this down and pretty solid. The only thing I really want to mention is all the extra space between each line. I don't know you have it this way as some form of significance but it made the piece (at least to me) look a little unclean. I would have preferred it if there wasn't that extra space between the lines, at least not through the stanzas.
3)Overall feelings
Honestly, I love it. I really feel like you have a strong piece and it's very beautiful. I liked the small parts that were in the parenthesis and I felt they really added to the poem even though they weren't that much so good job there. I also loved the subtle religious references and I felt that it made the piece just ten times stronger. Other then that I don't really have much to say, if you have questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I wasn't sure on the format as I haven't written poetry in a long time and I'm just now actually learning how to write poetry, so it's good to know how it looks too. Thanks again!
Legacy here for a review.
Some of the lines here are really good, but other lines confused me quite a bit, but it might just be from all the rust in my head (first review in months). I personally dislike how you ended this poem, it could have been so much stronger if you were to change the wording.
The first three lines in this poem have no effect on the rest of the poem, so it would be best to just cut it out and start from "I am from aged hymns and amens"
It's definitely a good start, and you can only go up from here. Adding more figurative language will help as well.
I hope I was helpful and not too harsh. :/ Legacy out.
Thanks for the review! Which lines confused you? (So I know what to look into.)
The whole second stanza doesn't make much sense to me personally. Also the beginning of the third stanza and the last lines of that stanza as well don't connect in my head.