stop being a freaking thermometer!
stop recording the temperature
of the thermostat!
stop caring about what others feel!
stop taking their burdens
upon yourself!
.
he wasn't your father!
she wasn't your mother!
that wasn't your child!
that wasn't your life!
.
stop taking strife that isn't your strife!
.
god you're so stupid
drunk on the air
to feel sorry for someone
that's not even there
.
WHY THE HECK DO YOU CARE?
.
why can't you set the temperature?
why can't you get it straight!
take your freaking feelings knob and
crank it up to level 8. (happy.)
.
happy.
happy.
HAppy.
HAPPY.
(but you're not!)
.
stop being a cold-blooded freak
who can't control its internal
thermostat.
.
is yours freaking broken?
did you ever have one in the first place?
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi there, Carla here for a review of your poem.
Wow.
I am amazed my this poem, at first I thought it would be about some kind of science experiment or something like that, I din not expect this.
There is so much anger in this poem, so well done for that, making it seem so realistic.
I really like the layout of the poem, it is the usual however unique.
I especially like the
"happy.
happy.
HAppy.
HAPPY.
(but you're not!)"
bit, it is really unique and different.
If you need any advice just ask
Over and out.
Um, okay, wow, Lots of feelings.
Hi Snazzy!
This would be an amazing spoken word poem, but it comes off kind of shouty as a written one o.o;
First off, I have to say Wow, great job pushing through the anger into the language of the poem. A lot of people struggle creating feelings in a poem but I definitely hear, feel, and see this poem. I can totally see someone shouting at someone else about being a thermometer.
I really like the metaphor too, I think you do a great job showing the difference between the two, but I'd almost like a little bit of a break somewhere in the poem so we can really see the ramp up and ramp down, like right now the entire poem is at a 10 for volume, anger, frustration, and general raw emotion, but I need a moment to breathe so I am not left feeling like there's something not being said here. I totally get the type of person this poem is referring to, the ones who let other people dictate how they feel, but I feel like the poem needs a quiet space just to breathe.
Maybe a topper? Like you know how thermometers usually have a blank space at the top where the pressure hasn't sent the mercury yet? Maybe just something like that. Maybe introduce the person they're yelling at like "I have something to tell you" or some other inviting, non-shouty introduction just to really get the hook set in the reader before you begin the loud shouting of anger and emotion. That might give your reader a chance to get behind what you're saying rather than feeling like the victim getting yelled at. Let us do the yelling with you!
All in all, I love what you're doing, keep it up! Let me see more of this about different subjects and a whole range of emotions. For the quieter emotions, you might want to get specific, talk about details of the event, and make sure you include the personal. For this, that's totally not necessary since you have so much emotion thrown in with the voice of the poem.
If you have any questions let me know!