I love the directional word-
Left. Left. Left. Left.
In front of percussion, it's absurd
Deaf. Deaf. Deaf. Deaf.
~
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8,
Not counting before,
and not too late!
~
My voice my voice,
now sounds like a dying goose.
My choice my choice,
what did I have to lose?
~
My face my face,
it itches a lot.
No race no race,
to get to my dot.
~
Big steps little steps,
it all just depends.
Many reps many reps,
(it really never ends).
~
Oh you oh you,
are standing on my dot.
Oh poo oh poo,
it's just way too hot.
~
Complain complain,
(is all I ever do).
The rain the rain,
this day is sure to rue.
~
"Marching band is easy"
I heard someone say.
I hit him in the head.
So he's not here today...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Amazing, and funny!!!!! Really liked this poem. It was really good.
I didn't find any nitpicks, but I might have missed a few, but if I did, I can always go back and review!!!!!!!!
Keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs
I love the way this is written! I love being in marching band, but myself being in the percussion I know how you feel
Hello! If I have yet to introduce myself, I'm SecreteJournalist but feel free to call me Brie if you please! I'm here to review, so let's get to it;
(I hope you don't mind if split my review up into two sections!)
Nitpicks:
For the first line, I suggest a semi-colon instead of a dash. I feel like that would break up your idea a bit better. Same for the 3rd line as well.
This stanza stood out to me because of it's lack of a rhyme. I just thought I should mention that. And I agree with DreamWork when I say the rhyming really does limit your freedom of words, but I do like the overall idea because it keeps with the humor.
Unlike the other stanzas, I feel like this first line needs a comma between the two phrases, since it isn't the same repetition.
I'd advise to ditch the comma after the first line, since you have the next part of your 'sentence' in parenthesis. Also, I think changing the second line to say 'it's all I ever do' might flow a little better.
Add a period after the phrase said person is speaking. And I agree with DreamWork again, changing from 'someone' to 'him' is rather confusing. Maybe change someone into my friend or something along that line? And for the last two lines, the 'so' throws them both off. I think changing the third line punctuation to a comma instead of a period would help with flow.
And now onto part two of the review...
Commentary:
As for the idea and poem itself, I did get a sense of humor and an 'inside view' of what my band friends may have been feeling at band camp this summer! Being a 'choir junky' myself, I liked knowing more about what the other side of the music program may be feeling. I think with a little bit of minor work, this poem will be near perfection!
Hope this helped!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hi snazzy! Have a nice day. Just a quick review on your poem.
. You seem to be stuck with a rhyme that you give yourself. It has been limiting your creativity when you're trying to figure out how to equalize the rhyme on each line. I also like to make a rhyme in my poem and sometimes I even caught up with results that do not satisfy me. Believe me, I feel quite disappointed every time tried to create a rhyming poem xD.
I realized that I had not been actively review a poem lately, so forgive me if it seems a little 'muddled' . I just hope I can help you a bit.
For me the subject that you create in the poem is quite interesting . It's enough to inspire you to give any opinion on the marching band parade in the form of poem. Even you also choose to provide the sense of humor in it.
You tried to create the same end rhyme in every verse of the poem where I found it less effective
I really like the first stanza when you said that you enjoyed the directional word although the percussion sounds quite deafening you. The rhyme works great here and the repetition on words Left and Deaf really have an impact to give a sense of fun to readers.
Part of this may be a bit confusing because you put a full stop on the second line or it is 'someone' is 'him'?
Anyway I really enjoyed reading your poem! Keep writing
Hahaha this is great. I'm not in marching band, but I have a bunch of friends who are and I'm sure they could really relate to this. XD