Bumble Bee

Hahaha! This is such a good poem!
I love it!

Hahaha! This is such a good poem!
I love it!

Hey! Heather here for a review

I loved this! It was so eccentric, yet satisfyingly adorable. It was aimed towards an audience that has the attention span of a young child and was easily perceived. I'm fairly certain it was intentional; I believe you wrote this with a hidden message. The hidden message, putting it bluntly, being about Karma.

I got the sense that the story line was perhaps following two children, one of which getting stung by the bee and then the second child mocking their friend who is then also stung.

It represents a pattern in Karma, I believe. Where a person has created an act of wrong doing and is punished, hence when the friend laughs (being the wrong doing), they are subsequently stung by the bee (punishment).

Overall, it was well-written and I would say that based on the simplistic structure, it was aimed towards younger children (4+, perhaps). So well done! I thoroughly enjoyed this!

Good luck and keep writing!

~ Heather

This poem was very brief and very cute in my opinion. I like how it was written too, it sound almost like me and my cousin in the summer when she's convinced Bees are out to get her. I find it very funny how in the end the friend gets the same fate, a sting from a bee! I like the laughing in the poem as well, it made me giggle a bit myself to be truthful.

I really liked this poem!
Although you may have gotten harsh criticism for this poem, I do not think they truly took the time to understand this piece.

I viewed the whole poem as being written by a friend of the first person.
They observe the friend get stung, and then see the friend start to cry.
Then they laugh at the friend for getting stung.
Finally, the end, in a cruel twist of fate, they also get stung by a bee.

A classic example of almost any kid's childhood! Bees sting people, it happens.
My theory does fall short a bit after reading the last line: option one, it was a wasp, not a bee, which is how the same "bee" could sting both of them. Option two is there was more than one bee stinging people.

In either case I enjoyed the poem a lot, and hope to see you write many more!

Hey, Snazzy.

I'll try to make this review long, so here goes nothing. >.<

Ha ha! It got you!
Right on the ear!
Oh, and what now?
A glistening tear!

Hee hee! Ha ha! Ha ha, he he!
Oh! Ouch!
The bee stung me.

hello there, SnazzyPencil

I have to say, you're taking this criticism very well. I didn't think this was poorly written at all, really.
This is a great children's poem; to me, the 'laughter' was interpreted as the bee's snickering, which I found interesting.
Though it would make sense not to switch POVs by the end of the poem, I still found it quite catchy and kind of like the idea of leaving it that way. But I suppose if it confuses others, you might want to reconsider.

This piece is really adorable, and I can see you meant it to be that way. Not every poem has to be lyrical or dug from the depths of one's soul-- some are lighthearted! And you've done that very well.

I do agree, actually, that the use of different fonts or italics might add just some spice. Your call!

Good job for a first poem! It's scary publishing your first, isn't it?

(Hey and welcome, by the way!! If you ever need help or someone to talk to here on YWS, I'm always around!)

Keep writing!

~iron.n

I dunno......that was a bit short. It was okay, but it was a bit short.

It is a nice poem but I would admit that the poem was not humorous. By just adding 'Hee hee! Ha ha! Ha ha, he he!' the poem does not become humorous. It looks like that someone is telling a small kid that there is a bee around and would sting him. You also didn't describe the bee and the poem was rather short. I could not also figure out the person of your poem( First person, second person, third person). In the first line you have written;

'Ha ha! It got you!' This is second person.

and in the last line you have written ;

'The bee stung me.' and this is first person.

Your title 'Bumble Bee' was very nice. Anyway nice attempt to write a poem.

It is a nice poem but I would admit that the poem was not humorous. By just adding 'Hee hee! Ha ha! Ha ha, he he!' the poem does not become humorous. It looks like that someone is telling a small kid that there is a bee around and would sting him. You also didn't describe the bee and the poem was rather short. I could not also figure out the person of your poem( First person, second person, third person). In the first line you have written;

'Ha ha! It got you!' This is second person.

and in the last line you have written ;

'The bee stung me.' and this is first person.

Your title 'Bumble Bee' was very nice. Anyway nice attempt to write a poem.

Hello! I'm sorry but this review is going to be really short. I don't know what to pick on; if it was longer I would, but as it is the poem is fine. I sort of imagine a creepy clown saying all this to a poor child who has been stung by a bee. Is that weird of me to think?
The way you've typed it is fine, but as it's meant to be a fun poem, maybe you could use different fonts, add some bold and italic words, etc. Anyway nice job.

I'm going to be straightforward-this wasn't humorous to me. It was dull.

Ha ha! It got you!

Perhaps you should replace "got" with stung?

Oh, and what now?

It sounds like somebody is asking that. It seems a little awkward. Maybe you could replace it with something like "Oh look, a glistening tear!" instead of having to put the next line of "A glistening tear!"

Hee hee! Ha ha! Ha ha, he he!

This was not needed. It annoys me, (I have no idea why) but I think you should do something like: HAHA! in italics.

Oh! Ouch!

Ouch in italics?

"The bee stung me."

To make it more funny you could put" The bee stung me-and now you're the one laughing!"

Next line: Oh well, at least I cured your tears!

(Just a suggestion.)