I don't like sweets,
I don't like treats.
I don't like wonderful candied meats.
I don't like gum,
I don't want some.
I don't like chocolate covered scum.
I don't like cake,
or chocolate shakes.
I don't like the cookies, that you bake.
I don't like pie,
I don't like- oh my.
Is that lemon custard you're holding?
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Wow, good poem! The simplicity of the language and the writing style speak for themselves! Although very simple, not everyone can write like this. Good one.
The line "' I don't like chocolate covered scum " was hilarious.
Okay, I've never had lemon custard. Tell me, do you HONESTLY like it? Just curious.
Keep writing!
Mysticalxx
Actually...I've never tried it! XD I really want to try some though...
This had a really cute ending! It flowed really well the whole way through, and theres nothing really I can critic about it!
This had a really cute ending! It flowed really well the whole way through, and theres nothing really I can critic about it!
XD Love that ending, @SnazzyPencil.
Definitely reminds me of Shel Silverstein.
Hey!
I loved the humor and easy-going nature of this poem. It was fun to read and was a nice change from some of the darker, more intense things I've been reading. Humor is always enjoyable and I don't think anyone can say no to reading a funny poem.
The only part that didn't quite flow for me was the "I don't want some" line. I just felt like you were trying a little too hard to rhyme there, and I'm not sure I feel like the line does;t quite make sense. If possible, maybe try to think of another food or actual item to go in the place of "some". I just don't feel like it flows well.
Besides that, (which is very minor), I liked it a lot, and had a good laugh. I love lemon custard!
Ps: Sorry for the blank comment, I'm not sure how to delete it
Deleted the blank comment! Next time, just let a mod know!
Hello there! cleverclogs here to review!
I like the simplistic structure and how it fits the light tone of the poem. The rhyme scheme is also fun and pleasing to read. There was only one spot where I felt like the rhyming was off.
I feel like the last line supposed to be set apart from the rest of the poem, and that's why it doesn't follow the rhyme scheme, but it doesn't really work when you're reading it. I was going along, enjoying the rhyme and rhythm, and then the last line came out of nowhere and broke it up. I'd recommend changing the last few lines so they follow the rhyme scheme.
Here's few random things I noticed:
Are these actually things? If not, I'd suggest changing these lines so that you're talking about things that exist. It's a bit off-putting, reading a poem about sweets and then running into lines about meat and scum.
There shouldn't be a comma in this sentence.
This poem was well-punctuated and capitalized, so I applaud you on that. It seems like so few poets know how to do those things correctly (if they choose to use punctuation and capitalization, of course). The rhythm was pretty good too. The lines all flowed very nicely.
I like the repetition of "I don't like this, I don't like that," but after a while I feel like it got too repetitive. I'd recommend throwing in a few other lines that are a bit different from the "I don't like x" format, klind of like a middle eight in a song.
Overall, this was a cute, fun poem to read. I love how it implies that lemon custard is the only exception to the narrator's aversion to sweets. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for all the help!!!
I disagree with Cleverclogs on one point: I think the last line is perfect - it was meant to break the rhyme scheme for comical effect.
I know that, and I acknowledged it in my review. I just think it didn't really work in this poem.
I do agree with PaperNessa and cleverclogs, but I did find a way to end without breaking the scheme.
*Pressing the "like" button*
This piece was very humorous. I liked it really, really much. The only thing I want to point out is get rid of the comma between "cookies" and "that". The poem will run much smoother. Other than that, really, good job.
That is all.
Good luck and keep writing!!