One day a boy,
entered the woods.
Don't ask me why,
he was delivering goods.
~
He ran into a bear
ready to gobble him up
when a duck flew in!
What good luck!
~
The duck scared the bear away
with a ghastly quack.
He became friends with the boy
who patted him on the back.
~
They left for home, duck and boy,
smiling and walking with lots of laughter
and everything turned out good in a logical way!
(Which is another way of saying "happily ever after".)
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here! Happy Review Day!
Alright, so I like the simple, joking style of this poem. I've read so many serious poems on here, so it's nice to read something light and silly like this. However, sometimes it seemed a bit forced. I think this would be much more hilarious if it were more natural than forced. Which brings us to another issue. You lack a consistent rhythm. The rhythm of the poem changes in nearly every stanza and that can make a poem hard to follow. It needs a consistent rhythm that rolls off the tongue easily, especially given the style of this poem.
That is all I have for you. Overall, I think this has the potential to be a hilarious poem, but you need to work on your delivery of it. Find a way to make the storyline seem more natural. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
hello!
So this isn't very logical, but maybe that's the point?
One thing that's bothering me about this is the complete lack of a rhyme pattern. I think you can do it if you try hard enough. Also, like I mentioned in my other review, this would read much better if you had a set rhythm, even if it's just a sing-songy rhythm.
Um, this poem seemed pretty forced to me still. The story wasn't logical, but it also wasn't even like, funny. It just seemed like you were trying to come up with anything off your head that could constitute a story.
honestly, this is all I have for you. I know this is a super short review, but that's all I got. Let me know if you have any questions! I'd be happy to answer.
Keep writing!
~ fortis
Hey. I really liked your poem. I can't wait to read ore of your work. You have a great poem here with minor errors here, and there, but everyone has that. Am I right?
I really liked your poem, and I hope I will get to read a lot more work from you. You are a very good author.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Hey! Cello here!
I couldn't help but smile at this poem, though I'd like to point out the flow/beat is a little off.
The rule for rhyming that that the syllable count of the lines must be within two syllables of each other (The closer to being the same, the better)
'One day a boy, entered the woods'- 8 syllables (Combine the sentences as there is a sentence between the two rhyming lines)
'Don't ask me why, he was delivering goods.' -11 syllables
(I might be a bit off on the count, I'm not the best at doing this in my head.)
The last part is one syllable long. There are lots of changes you could make, 'Don't question' instead of 'don't as my why' or even just 'don't ask why' would work (Though it's not the best option. Of course, you could extend the first part too, but I'll leave that option on to you.
First half- 13
second half- 8
Maybe change the last line to 'oh, he had such good luck'. Changing 'gobble' to 'eat' would help too. Again, leaving it up to you.
First- 12
second- 14
Technically, this works, but it could be better. Just try to shorten the second half or lengthen the first. Also, this rhyme feels a little... forced. My try rearrange so you don't have to rhyme with 'quack' "With a ghastly quack, the bear was scared away, and the duck and the boy, were friends since that day" (That was a bad example, but I just wanted to show you what I meant by rearrange)
first- 21
second- 29
(Not sure on the count but it's somewhere around there)
Crap- I'm on a school computer and I half to pack up. Count the syllables and work on fixing this. Dm me if you need help!
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello