I love how the fly,
no matter how small,
has hopes and dreams
even if they hit a wall.
~
They keep on trying,
they keep on
F L Y I N G...
until they reach their goal.
~
They never give up,
even if they've smacked the wall
for a millionth time,
even if they fall.
~
I wish I could do that -
not give up.
Keep on trying,
keep on flying -
~
I wish I could
but it's not easy,
as I thought it would.
~
-and though the fly
keeps falling,
the wall he keeps hitting -
he still, keeps on trying
keeps on flying,
his dreams never
D Y I N G.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,089 Literary Works • 672,997 Reviews
Hi Felistia here with a short review.
I must just say that this is a very inspirational poem. I like the way you used the fly as a main character, it is very unusual and I like it. The rhyming works as well and has an interesting pattern to me. I love that the moral of this poem is to keep on trying even if you don't succeed the first time. Over all it is a very well done poem and I hope to see more of your works. I hope you have a great day\night.
Hey SnazzyPencil,
Lopez18 here for a review.
I want to start off by saying that I absolutely love this poem. It is very inspirational and deep. I love how you use a fly as an example of what it is like to not give up. It also paints a clear picture of what you do when you have no hopes of giving up.
One thing that I think could improve this poem just a little more is to not capitalize the words "flying" and "dying" because I feel like you are emphasizing the word too much and some readers may misunderstand what you're saying.
Other than that, there is honestly nothing negative to say about this poem. It is very inspirational and it encourages you to try harder if fail at something. Great job! Keep up the good work
Thanks for the review!
Hey, SnazzyPencil! My name is Strozzie, and I this is my review of your piece. I adore your concept, as well as some of your presentation. However, I do have some critiques for you.
I am not a huge fan of the symbol you used to set apart each stanza (~). This makes the overall piece more difficult to read and distracts from the beautiful words you use. If you simply left the space blank, the poem could then speak for itself. After all, just like in music, silence speaks just as much as words do.
Sometimes, the short stanzas of poetry can mess one's grammar up beyond the point of understanding. That is why I reformat my poetry into prose (paragraph-form) before I consider it complete - this way, I can easily spot errors in my grammar or sentence structure. Please allow me to show you:
Here, I used slashes (/) to mark off where the next line begins. But if you look at that full sentence, you write "...but it's not easy, as I thought it would." I see what you want to say, but your wording is not very clear. I think you mean to say, "...but it's not as easy as I thought it would be."
Towards the end of the piece, I noticed that you changed the gender used for the metaphorical fly. You first use "they" as a not-so-specific alternative to "he" or "she." However, in the last stanza, you change this, and use "he" instead. Though it was difficult to pick up on at first, I really appreciate the use of "they" to allow the reader to focus more on the symbolism than the fly itself. I would actually recommend one of two options: 1) either change the "he"s to "they", or 2) change both pronouns to "it."
I love the artistic emphasis on the word "flying" - it looks so good in the poem. Seeing it used twice really helps hammer in the theme of perseverance in your piece. However, I would greatly caution you to remove the elipses (...) from the end of the word "flying," since it is a bit of a distraction to the message of the word.
Aside from these critiques and some questionable punctuation, I really enjoyed reading your piece of writing. Your message is one that really resonates with many of the aspiring authors on YWS, myself included. Preach, friend! Regardless, I hope to see more of your work in the Green Room soon!
Thank you so much for the review!
*alarm sounds*
It's tiiiiiimeeee for a review!
Okay, the first thing that jumped out at me are the "F L Y I N G" and "D Y I N G". I feel like on the computer of piece of paper it seems a bit off; but as a spoken poetry, or expressive poetry out loud would really hit the listener. But that's just me.
I really love the creativeness you have towards the poem idea with flies. Nobody knows if flies even have dreams, they probably don't, but you give them a sort of relate-able feel to them which is very powerful. Especially in "even if they hit a wall" part. You don't necessarily make up a day in the life of a fly, you just add more to one.
I feel like the use of "they" is slightly used too much. Maybe try and veer off of it and describe the fly without directing every "they" towards it. A possible example could be "Never giving up/even after smacking the wall". I think it keeps the whole idea of the fly so far yet you feel like it's close.
Other than that I really love your theme and idea for the poem! It's very unique in terms of relating humans to things. I would've never thought of a fly! Hope to read more of your work sometime!
Thanks for the feedback!
