Only one time,
you said to me.
Only one time-
your horrific plea.
-
Only one time,
did it occur.
Only one time
were feelings stirred.
-
Only one time,
a lock a key.
Only one time
to enslave me.
-
Only one time,
a cold-hearted thing.
Only one time
with dismal ring.
-
Only one time,
were you "lost back then".
Only one time-
it won't happen again?
-
Only one time
you said, you fussed.
It only takes one time
to lose my trust.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
So reviewing poetry isn't my specialty, but lemme try and help you here.
What I do like is the repetition in this poem. Not only was it something let the poem flow easier, but was also something that was needed and held the poem together. Also, unlike other had said, I do like the ending. It showed that there was relationship has worsened with this other, but it didn't exactly confirm how bad it worsened.
As somebody mentioned, there should some kind of pause. The flow broke, and it can be fixed by something really easy.
This isn't a sentence. There's a few times this happens. Although I'm rather lenient as far grammatical critque goes in poems, I can't ignore these two mistakes because it ruins the flow too.
I did like easy it was to read, but I think you should make sure you should make complete sentences in order to let the flow work better.
I think it's a good start.
I like the simplicity but i think it should have a more striking ending, as the poem feels like a build-up without a fitting end as of right now.
Otherwhise it is a great poem.
Keep on working because i see a lot of potential.
Hello Snazz master,
I like the premise of the poem. I've always had a thing for refrains. I think my problem with this one stems from my feeling it doesn't quite go where it needs to. It seems like so much of it is building, building, building and it doesn't quite finish. This is compounded by the final two lines which throw off the rhythm a bit too much.
Some suggestions:
1. Go through it and work out the rhythms a bit. I mentioned the last two lines above because that was when I felt the biggest hiccup. There were small ones in other places, (i.e. I think the formatting in stanza 3 could be changed to better facilitate a pause between "a lock (pause) a key") but that's the one that really irked me.
2. I want an ending that sticks. I'm don't quite feel that yet. I guess it feels like a lot of additional perturbations that don't quite add up. And there's a place for that - if that's what you're trying to do.
Perhaps I'm just being obtuse in my reading, and if so, please inform me! Otherwise, there are my suggestions. And as I say, I like the direction!
-H.o.H.