He comes
softly at morning
when dew drops still glisten,
and the air is still cool.
His breath is cold too
in a soothing way
it caresses my cheeks
in its embrace.
.
He comes at noontime
and sips my lemonade
gazing with green suns,
my own eyes his telescope.
He sees my soul
and watches as
my achy heart pours out.
.
He comes at evening
to watch the sunset
and when he reaches for my hand
I'll feel his empty touch.
He'll whisper ever so softly
soft words and promises to me -
sweet serendipity.
.
He comes at night
when I wake up from
my nightmares
and puts me back to sleep.
His scent of morning rain
mingles with the
rose-blossom scent of mine.
.
And as I take my final breath
he'll be watching nearby.
He won't scream or shout
or shudder or cry.
.
He's always there for me
my heart he does possess.
His name brings life to my body,
his name is loneliness.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hello! LadyShadows here!
Keep writing. I enjoyed this lovely piece.
Now first off I'm going to start with the simple stuff on how I thought about it...
I thought the poem was very unique and enchanting. This was beautiful. It felt alive. For some reason, I thought of a young elvish couple when I read this. I don't know why, but I assume it was because of the beauty that this poem holds. I love it.
However, I saw that it needed a loving touch with punctuation and flow. I feel the flow was broken as it was a bit too wordy (and of course the punctuation as well) Below is a edit of the poem:
He comes
softly at morning
when dew drops still glisten
and the air is still cool.
His breath is cold too,
in a calming way;
it caresses my cheeks
in its embrace.
.
He comes at noontime
and sips my lemonade
gazing with green suns,
my eyes his telescope.
He sees my soul
and watches as
my achy heart pours out.
.
He comes at evening
to watch the sunset
and when he reaches for my hand,
I'll feel his empty touch.
He'll whisper ever so softly,
soft words and promises to me -
sweet serendipity.
.
He comes at night
when I wake up from
nightmares
and puts me back to sleep.
His scent of morning rain
mingles with the
rose-blossom scent of mine.
.
And as I take my final breath
he'll be watching nearby.
He won't scream, shout,
shudder, or cry.
.
He's always there for me
my heart he does possess.
His name brings life to my body,
his name is loneliness.
The edit wasn't too much. But I just took a bit of words out for the sake of keeping the wordiness down, and fixed the punctuation. I personally don't mind the wordiness, but in some minds of editors, less is definitely more. I hope you found this helpful.
Hey, here with a review. I really liked this poem, it was unique. The tittle really grabbed my attention and throughout the whole poem, the reader gets more anxious about who "he" is. The repetition is amazing, you use it just right- not too much, not too less. The poem really flows and it makes us sad for the person who basically "best friend" is loneliness. Overall, I enjoyed it but there are a few grammatical mistakes, I won't point them out but i'm sure you can see and correct them. Keep writing!
~Rosy234
Loved it and it was completely different to any other poem!
I enjoy reading pieces like this, where the true identity of the subject is revealed at the end. It always makes me reread the piece with the newfound knowledge of what's going on, which is pretty neat. You executed this one well. I noticed a couple punctuation things, wording choices, and repetition flaws, so I'll point them out.
The "at" feels strange here. Morning is such a wide range of times, so if you were really attached to the "at", you could consider changing "morning" to "dawn", because that is a more specific time of day. The word "dawn" also benefits your imagery more than "morning", in my opinion. But if you wanted to stick with "morning", maybe "in the" would work better than "at".
There should be a comma after "cold". There should be a period after "way". Then, "it" should be capitalized because it becomes the beginning of the sentence. The descriptions are really nice in this part. I was actually able to imagine the feeling of a lazy wind and cool air against my face while I read it.
The first time you said "He comes...", you made "He comes" it's own line. I liked that because it made a clear distinction that conveyed "His" importance to the reader. From a reader's standpoint, it would be best to keep this constant either way. Either always make "He comes" it's own line, or don't.
There should be a comma after "lemonade" to separate the two parts of the sentence. "Green suns" is excellent imagery, really powerful.
Put a comma after "softly". I don't really understand the significance of the dash. Personally, I don't think you need it. I don't think you need any punctuation between "me" and "sweet". The dash doesn't really hinder your flow for me, but others might find that it gets in the way.
This is really great. I can imagine those scents in my head, and you're absolutely right. They definitely go well together. It was a really good choice to add this in here. Especially reading it the second time, morning rain is a fantastic scent-representation of loneliness.
I think the first and second line should be split into two separate sentences. I thought that you could just stick a comma between them, but I don't know if that would be grammatically correct. The last two lines definitely need to be two sentences, though. Maybe even making the last line it's own little stanza would aid your formatting. It would clearly set that apart as the revealing line, the important line. It's something to think about, anyway.
Overall, like I said, I like this type of poem. You set it up really nicely, and I can't emphasize enough how much the imagery adds to this piece. Let me know if you have any questions regarding my review, and I hope it helped.
~Sevro