(A.N.- This is the first 'free-verse' poem. So...I don't really know if I "did it right". Seriously though, tear it apart. Please. I want to learn more of this type of poem. :^) Thanks!)
A hot desert sun,
scorching sand as surroundings.
I want water.
I need water.
~
The air feels like-
a skeleton's dry body.
Without any water-
only dust.
~
I really need water.
Sliding down my throat.
Ice-cold, crystal clear-
beautiful rich water.
~
There, I see some,
underneath the pineapple.
Is it safe to drink?
The unicorn says yes.
~
Beautiful, beautiful liquid.
I adore it, water.
I love it more than the starfish-
who is walking towards me.
~
They say you hallucinate,
and don't make sense,
when you're dehydrated.
Good thing I'm not dehydrated...
~
There's a nice patch of yellow cloud over there,
makes a nice resting place.
I want to take a nap, a long one...
yeah, that sounds nice.
~
The cloud is as fluffy as a
fairy's pet pig.
It's nice down here.
I think I'll just stay awhile.
~
Yes. Good thing I'm not dehydrated-
otherwise I would-
be seeing things.
Why is the monkey looking at me like that?
~
Yes, I love water-
and I like this cloud,
and the starfish.
I'm not dehydrated...
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
This poem. I have nothing critical to say about it. This voice is comical. Once I realized hallucinations, I laughed. It was funny, this person's denial and desire. Such a primal, innocent thirst. So wonderful and delightful, this work. Really lovely. Thank you for it. I really do appreciate it.
Thank you!
Kat here to guide you with this review <3
how exciting huh .
no I don't know I loved what you did it was very cute and funny and I'm glad you didn't kill this person and kill the mood .
Firstly what a snazzy username . Secondly , thanks for being my review for my next star
Okay free verse yikes , I just recently got good at this so bear with me .
Line two , took me a second to realize you meant scorching sand was surrounding you . Just a tip in free verse flow meter and where you start and end a line are key to the feel of the poem . So try not to use to many or two little words .
Okay so this actually made me want water with the skeleton part , I got really really thirsty thinking about this . And , for the first time today , a piece of work made me laugh . Maybe you could have gone even furth and had like a talking bed wizard making all his wishes come true who was married to a high society octopus
One thing I noticed is that a few of our lines were a lot shorter or longer than others and that is a little distracting but only because wi was looking for it . Often I find that in humorous poems the humor distracts from most errors or alight interruptions in flow so you're okay .
Much better than my first couple free verses >.< memories .
Keep it up , it opens up more paths in poetry .
~Kat
Wow do you see that , that lovely complete row of stars<3 much love
LOL
Congrats, an thanks for the review!!
Hello! Tigerlilly here to review!
I found this quite hilarious! I love how the narrator is hallucinating, yet denying that he/she is. I like the structure of the poem, though in my opinion you went a little overboard with the grammar. I feel like you need less grammar and it doesn't necessary need to be at the end of every single line. From my experience with free verse poems, I typically only put grammar where it is needed, such as at the end of a sentence or statement, rather than at the end of each line (if that makes sense)
Other than that, I really like this poem. Keep writing- I look forward to reading more of your works!
Thanks for the review!
No problem!
Hey there! *Trumpets sounding* I have come to review!
So, since it is poetry, there isn't a ton to edit or talk about, but nonetheless I have found stuff to nitpick and pull.
To start things off, this is a free written poem which means that you can do whatever the heck you want to do and I can’t say it is right or wrong. However, you have asked for opinions and I shall give you mine: It’s a good poem with very clear imagery. I love the hallucinations you threw in there, they add a crazy but cool twist of feels to the whole thing.
So I guess I shall leap to punctuation next… Since you seem pretty new to this kind of poetry I give you a lot of credit for making it this far, poetry isn’t always easy for people and for experimenting with free writing you did pretty well. The only thing I would say is to watch your dashes at the ends of lines. You really only need commas, periods, or nothing at all. Then, it is up to you and is a rather disputed subject in the poetry world, but the capitalization at the beginning of lines can either be on every line or only the ones beginning a sentence. It is always up to you, just pick one and be consistent about it.
Thirdly, this one stanza:
The first line is long, it could easily be broken into two lines but then you would have a random five line stanza. My advice would be to get rid of the “purple monkey eating socks” line because it is a little too out of place and isn't absolutely necessary in this stanza. Your character hallucinates more later on, so you don’t have to worry about there not being enough. Again, it is up to you with what you decide to do, this is the only stanza I had to stop and truly stare at since it interrupted flow.
All nitpicks aside, this was an awesome poem with great imagery. I could feel the heat and the cold and the hallucinations were in really good and random places. Great job!
Keep it up and Happy Writing!
My pleasure