The bird was singing,
in the tree.
The child would laugh,
but oh, not me.
~
The bird was singing,
by the lake.
The child would smile,
but oh, I would fake.
~
The bird was singing,
and the child liked the song.
But I didn't, it was so loud-
this could not last long.
~
The child liked the bird,
but I thought it was a terd.
So I took out my gun
and I shot it.
~
Your child will probably
have to do some mending...
I'm sorry, but not all poems
have happy endings.
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello there, Snazzy pencil! This poem was amazing, but I know that you'll be better at writing stuffs as you make more. I hope that you'll take my advice in a good way.
I was impressed by your work. However, I think that some stanzas are lacking for something. For example, "The bird was singing, in the tree," In writing poetry, it's better for us to not cut this kind of sentence-like thing. Well, I learned that from my English teacher. She told me to keep things on going, to keep things flow continuously. A better construction of solid ideas will work out.
"The bird was singing,
and the child liked the song."
This is a better one. It's more appealing if we break down words from compound sentences because stuffs like this, "The bird was singing, by the lake," is a simple sentence. On the other side, it's just my own opinion.
I'm not letting you down but, that's my advice. Great job on this!
-strwbrryyy
Okay. Absolutely love this piece. I think it would flow a little better if in the third stanza, last line, you used couldn't, as opposed to could not. Just my opinion. Also, I'm not sure on this, but I've always spelled turd like so. I may be completely wrong on that so don't take my word on that one. This was a great poem. Reminded me of myself in a way. Haha. Keep writing!!
groganbabygirl