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The Memory

by Snazzy


A shard of glass

a broken frame.

A lonely picture

a childless name.

A forgotten toy

a forgotten dream.

A homeless boy

a soundless scream.

A trunk a chest

a world left behind.

A stain a mess

an oblivious mind.

The gun the bang

the crack the shot.

The whispered words

the world so hot.

Another lost child

the enslaved - the free.

The pain the loss

the memory.


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Tue Feb 09, 2016 7:29 am
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taslima wrote a review...



it is a review

woow !! So pretty rhymes .Very sweet and gently floating. Amazing !The choice of your words are very impressive. In a short space you explained your pains and sweet memories.

Actually it is very hard to gather perfect words to explain our emotion and what we want to say.And all those words resembled so gently and swiftly .

Some are write poem just arrange lots heavy words. But there is no soul in it.What I want to say is, you have a good soul who can play with words so beautifully .

Thank again, I wish you will go forward with your amazing quality.have a great , honorable , success life.




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Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:26 am
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Beryllsmith says...



The suspense at the start almost killed me...
Haha!! Superb and keep up the good work:-) :-) :-)




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Mon Feb 08, 2016 5:18 am
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BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hey there, Snazzy! :D I'll be reviewing your outstanding poem.

I love this feel and sensation running all through the poem. It's really touching in a way that's hard to explain. I think you really hit it spot on with the mood in this poem, it's fantastic and runs very nicely with the words you have put together and formed. You have turned this small and simple topic into something that is filled with beautiful descriptions and imagination.

A shard of glass,

a broken frame.

A lonely picture

a childless name.

Already beginning in a strong and sturdy start, with amazing rhyming use. I noticed that in the first two lines, you used a comma. Then, in the third and forth lines, it changes and there's no comma. That happens all the way in the whole poem, and something seems the need of a change. A use of commas would be good to add in this -- in many different parts of the poem -- to improve the flow and rhythm that's just getting started. In many other poems I've seen that you've written, you've completed that and made it spot on, but something was different in this poem. I think if you just add a few commas here in there you would fix this.
The gun the bang

the crack the shot.

Again, here, this is in desperate need of a comma or two. In one line, it says "the gun the bang". That sounds wrong, like you mixed the two up together. If there was just a comma after "gun", it would flow and make sense superbly. :D
The whispered words

the world so hot.

This to me doesn't make complete sense. I get it some, but it still kind of baffles me. When you say "the world so hot," I'm not understanding the meaning of that. As in, the world is heating up? Or the sun is glaring down on everyone? The land is dry, like a desert? Details added would be nice. Or, just to clarify, a quick stanza moving further into that topic. If you used the word "hot" just to rhyme, I would agree I've been in that situation before. But if it's just not making sense to me, I apologize. Just scamming through it a couple times I couldn't figure out specifically what it meant. It seems to be brought up after "whispered words" which seems to switch the subject quickly. Slowly bring your way into a new topic, don't rush it. Other than that this stanza (along with the rest of the poem) is great. ;)
Overall, this is a really great poem and has lots of potential. I just think that the punctuation (commas) could use some work. Comparing to other works that I've seen from you, this is fantastic and has an especially different mood and feeling tied into it. I really like it, and I'm hoping that's something you can carry on in the near future. I could say I'm speechless and a million adjectives to describe how wonderful this poem is, and still not be satisfied. Your an amazing poet/writer, Snazzy! :D
You really made this truly your own poem and something special that I'm glad you decided to share with YWS. :D

Keep writing!

~ Sunset




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Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:41 pm
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StupidSoup says...



The poem itself is sound. But the topic your covering is ground already covered by so many people. You might want to find a unique way of doing it. Otherwise this poem is excellent.




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 8:32 pm
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SilverBerry wrote a review...



Hi Berry here! And I read a lot of poetry but this is officially one of my favorites. It's so dramatic and you added beautiful vocabulary. I especially liked the line, "An oblivious mind."

The only thing that I would suggest fixing is that you need some punctuation. More specifically; commas.

"A trunk, a chest,
a world left behind.
A stain, a mess,
and oblivious mind.
The gun, the bang,
the crack, the shot,
The whispered words,
the world so hot."

I guess you don't really HAVE to add commas at the end of the lines, but the poem is a bit confusing if you don't add commas when you are listing things.

That's really all I could find to fix, so awesome job! Can't wait to read more of your work!




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 7:27 pm
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TopHatsUniversal wrote a review...



I like your poem and the concept behind it- the use of "memory" to reinforce the title at the end is very effective. Perhaps your grammar is a little off at times but it doesn't take away from the overall effect of the poem. It picks up slowly and works well with its theme. Nicely done, best of luck writing more!




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 5:27 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for a quick review! :D

So like this poem because of its rhythm and rhyme. Especially the rhyme, because it rolls of the tongue--just perfectly smooth. It also looks like a nursery rhyme, and I think the rhythm can be made powerful by more use of punctuations.

A lonely picture
a childless name.


I think there should be a comma at the end of this line. It bothers me because the first two lines of this poem has a comma at the end of the first line, so the use of punctuations should be consistent.

A forgotten toy
a forgotten dream.


Now, there's a repetition of 'forgotten', here. There're many synonyms for it, or other words that can convey just the same message. 'Neglected' is one of them that I think can fit for the 'forgotten' in the second line.

A trunk a chest
a world left behind.


I'd suggest to put a comma between the first line. I've noticed that the lines before this are spoken in one breath, but these lines start the trend of pausing in the middle of it. 'A trunk, a chest' seems better when spoken out loud rather than 'A trunk a chest'.

Another lost child
the enslaved - the free.


I'm not pleased with the use of dash. It just creates a forced pause, and I think using a semi-colon instead can soften it and is better suited for this kind of rhythm.

Overall, I think this is quite a reliant poem on its rhyme and rhythm. The content of it is rather unclear, given its substance is restricted by said rhyme and rhythm, and rhyme scheme. I think putting them in stanzas, and elaborating them in stanzas can organized the ideas here. A stanza of four lines can be made to represent a certain phase in the poem, so that the transition would be smooth, and the idea more elaborated.

Other than that, keep up the good job! :D




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:46 pm
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Questio wrote a review...



Hello there! I really enjoyed this, and whenever I really enjoy a bit of writing, I feel it is my duty and my obligation to let the extremely talented young writer know just how much I enjoyed it and tell them why I enjoyed it. So I might as well get started.

What I like most about this is the story behind it. It's one of those things where the reader knows that something happened, and has a basic idea of what that thing was, but it is open-ended enough to let the reader fill in whatever they like as the event. Poems like this are often attempted, rarely successful. It is very hard to find the right balance between "what do I tell them?" and "what do I leave a mystery?" I think you did really well with this. Could it be better? Probably. Do I, in my extremely limited practical knowledge of poetry, know how to make it better? Not in the slightest. But you're the writer, and a mighty good one at that. You'll figure it out.

Now, if you didn't know, I am mildly (i.e.: extremely) OCD about things. It can be the randomest things that set off my nerves. Often, when I write poetry myself, it is extremely structured and patterned, with meaning behind everything from word count to punctuation.
That's why I like this poem. You don't seem to have a set pattern of repetition for things like word count per line, syllable count, or anything like that, but it just looks and feels so nice and organized and structured that it makes me feel happy inside. You deviate from the set pattern just enough to get across that emotional appeal that turns this from a poem into a story, without losing the rhythm. I love it.

Overall, if you can't tell, I really liked this. I'm out of time in class to tell you more, so I leave you with that: GOOD JOB!




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Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:17 pm
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Squirrel wrote a review...



Wow this is really good I like this. The one thing I want to point out though is, " A trunk a chest" what if you added a comma between the two, " A trunk, a chest" same with "A stain a mess". Other than that you did a great job on this poem. I like how you alternated capitalizing and lower-casing the first letter in each line. I have not seen anyone else do that. Your rhyming made the poem flow. I have nothing to really criticize. That's a good thing. Keep up the fantastic work.





If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer