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water fire stars [draft 2 of bowing standing flying]

by DemonGoddess


i am

-

bowing

down to you

while you throw at me the storm of

insults. while you rush out a stream of

rumors. while you make me drown in

those five words.

-

i try to

-

stand

up to you

feeding the flames that empower

you. feeding the abuse that make me

burn. feeding the words will scar me

forever.

-

i will be

-

flying

above the typhoon

reaching out for the

stars. grasping at

hope. grabbing some

peace

-

from you.

-

a/n: the five words in the poem was what the girl representing "you" in the piece said to me: "just go kill yourself already." just saying. --

kara


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40 Reviews


Points: 2834
Reviews: 40

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Fri Oct 13, 2017 7:55 pm
Flumadiddle wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! So, let's get started! :D

Okay, love the poem. I can not say that enough. Also, WHO IS THE A** THAT TOLD YOU TO KILL YOURSELF? !?! *Sorry but the caps lock and censored swearing were needed* The person who did, they deserve to have some unpleasant tea time with Lucifer. (Warning - he's not Lucifer from Supernatural, sorry!)

On a different note, I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes and I am taking the fact that you did not capitalize after periods as a style choice. The imagery was fantastic, it was quite easy to imagine someone feeding the flames or a person bowing down. It was extremely smooth and so much emotion was put into it. Anger seemed to be the most prominent, if I am not mistaken.

Just by reading the first sentence I know what this is about. A person, whom you trusted did something, said something that just hit a soft spot. They told you to go die. A person who I was close to did this to me. Three different times. Anyways, your poem is telling us, the readers, that this person isn't the best to you. It's telling us that you have also found some peace from them and that is one of the best thing for you right now. That you have found piece from their words that dug deeply into your skin like fishing hooks.

So, like I said before and I can't say it enough, I love this poem and keep up the good work! :)




DemonGoddess says...


ALRIGHT WHO SAID THAT TO YOU I WILL PUNCH THEM

PM ME ASAP E.E.



DemonGoddess says...


ALRIGHT WHO SAID THAT TO YOU I WILL PUNCH THEM

PM ME ASAP E.E.



DemonGoddess says...


ALRIGHT WHO SAID THAT TO YOU I WILL PUNCH THEM

PM ME ASAP E.E.



DemonGoddess says...


ALRIGHT WHO SAID THAT TO YOU I WILL PUNCH THEM

PM ME ASAP E.E.



DemonGoddess says...


Well that sent four times whoops



Flumadiddle says...


HAHA!



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15 Reviews


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Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:01 pm
AlexOfLight says...



Who's the jerk who told you to do that?




DemonGoddess says...


Same jerk in dear you



AlexOfLight says...


She can die in a hole.



DemonGoddess says...


Yes she can



AlexOfLight says...


She can die in the deepest, darkest, smelliest hole in existence.



DemonGoddess says...


Also called hell.



AlexOfLight says...


Yes.



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453 Reviews


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Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:03 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there, Kara! Glad to see all the revisions and work you put into this piece. So I'm going to leave a few of my thoughts on the piece.

1. I still love all the formatting choices. They perfectly emphasize all the right words and phrases fitting with the overall theme of the piece.

2. Woah! Metaphors! I really enjoyed the direction you took with the addition of more extended metaphors throughout the piece. It gave the poem a lot of cohesion as well as gave this nice visual representation of the bowing, standing, flying. The last stanza especially I thought was beautiful with the grasping for stars a delightful metaphor for reaching towards hope.

3. The second stanza's narrative development was a bit shaky for me. In the first edition of the poem I saw the middle one as the narrator making some effort to standup for themselves, but in this edition the "feeding the fire of your empowerment" bit makes it seem like it's just "same old same old" as the first stanza's issues. I wonder if you could portray a bit more progression in that middle stanza to show a more natural development?

4. My main critique is that I think that there was still maybe a bit too much repetition for a poem of this length. Where the repetition didn't necessarally add but maybe distracted because it didn't change it up enough. For instance in that middle stanza the phrase "feeding" comes up several times, and gets to be a bit too repetitive for me and then in the last stanza we have "grasping" and then "grabbing" -- I wonder if you could find a more assertive version of "grabbing" that doesn't sound so much like "grasping" to change it up even more and again show that narrative development and growth of the narrator.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading the way you developed this poem! The idea you started out was cool, but your changes all really make this poem shine and I think paint an even more vibrant message. Thanks for sharing your work!

~alliyah




DemonGoddess says...


Thanks for the review! I'm writing a third draft, so I'll tag you when that comes out :D



alliyah says...


Sounds good!



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18 Reviews


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Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:36 pm
KayLou1609 wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to give a review :)

Firstly, I really like the format of the poem. It really helps to emphasise the emotions of the narrator, which will help form a connection with the reader, so that's a good technique you've used. Also, the repetition of "while" in the first stanza and "feeding" in the second stanza is a good use of anaphora - again, this helps to emphasise emotion and feeling and creates more vivid imagery for the reader.

However, I think the last stanza could be reworded to something like this:

flying
above the typhoon
reaching out
for the stars
for hope
for peace
-
from you.

In this example, you have the anaphora of "for" like you have the other words in stanzas one and two. It'st just an example, so there are many other different ways you could create a more powerful effect.

The metaphors and personification are really well used. I particularly like the "stream of rumours" as you wouldn't usually associate rumours with a stream. It gives a sense that the rumours are continuous and never-ending, thus illustrating a more vivid picture. You could always use more unique metaphors, instead of going for the cliches (e.g. a fire of anger) as it helps to make your work more original.

Overall, I really like your poem. You've done a good job and I hope my review has helped you even more :)

KayLou1609




DemonGoddess says...


Thanks for the review!



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28 Reviews


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Tue Oct 10, 2017 2:19 pm
Carlymillie wrote a review...



Carly's corner;
Wow! I feel like it's been years since I did a review, but it's been weeks now though. and to think that I have to resume with yours, is pretty challenging, but everyone loves a good challenge right?
so that's that.

First of, I'd like to say great piece u have here. I mean it was great, and although I haven't seen the first draft, this pretty much gives me all the insight I need. But was this poetry? because it sounded more like a song to me, most especially the first two stanzas. Poetry has this flare that makes it different from a song, hat even when they are both read, you can still spot the difference. Try to add that up or pretty much put in the lyrics corner. Anyhoo that been said, I can't sincerely see any flaws in your work. although I know people with a better eye sight might, (oh! I rhymed there, smiles), for me, it's 80% okay.

oh PS, my favourite lines was the second verse;

***I am
-
bowing
down to you
while you throw at me the storm of
insults. while you rush out a stream of
rumors. while you make me drown in
those five words.
-
i try to
-
stand
up to you
feeding the flames that empower
you. feeding the abuse that make me
burn. feeding the words will scar me
forever.***

The use of metaphor in these lines are killing me. I just like, you also made use of Personification. I like the wild use of various literary devices in this work, I've barely seen such vast use of them here..people mostly struggle to have a lot of imagery ad forget other devices that can beautify their work.

thumbs up.




DemonGoddess says...


Thanks for the review! I would recommend checking out the first piece and comparing it :D




Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence