Young Writers Society

Hey DemonGoddess,

I honestly can't remember if I've read your stuff before so I stuck it all in bright red on my spreadsheet so I could finish my req. reviews for this poetry exchange and then come spy on you >D

Overall thoughts: I'm not sure if I really like or dislike the way you use repetition in this poem. In the first stanza it feels like a cop-out almost, like you're trying to avoid saying something else with it, but in the second and third stanzas, I could feel it affecting the method I used to read the poem. I even jumped a word on accident cuz my eyes were used to darting back to the beginning so I could catch the last word of a line!

So, I'll just tell you what it did to me and you can decide if you like that affect or not. For me, it made me feel like I was reading a typewriter. It was like you'd almost get to the end and then have to scroll back down to make your dramatic statement. The statements themselves weren't that dramatic for me, they were things I could predict, so I wasn't really interested in those in particular, but with the way you put them together, I found them interesting.

On the originality of this poem: I feel like the poem itself isn't that original. You're talking about being subservient to someone else and all of the ways that affects you, but a lot of people have that with a boss. I want to see more of the personal in this poem to really call it original. For me, it was less about what you were trying to portray and more about how you were getting it across.

If you focused more on specific cases where this happened for the speaker, than I feel like we would have a more emotionally enriched poem.

Also, here's a thing for formatting on YWS <3 How to Format Poetry

Hello DemonGoddess!

The fact that you 'apparently' wrote this in five minutes, maybe it was a timed exercise, is very impressive. Alot of people have taken the words right out of my mouth with this piece, so with my particular review i'll try and mention my favourite parts as well as unforced criticisms.

My favourite part of poetry is the originality of it all - I'm generally a person who looks into things 'too' much and often suggest things in poems that seem far fetched, so it's understandable when I say that being unique is very important. The capitalization idea is definitely intriguing and straight away, I could link it to the intention of the poem. This suggests that the speaker is not quite themselves in a way and relates to his/her amenable character.

The use of verbs to open up the stanzas is also clever, it's like using caesuras without actually using them; the reader will pause and maybe even reflect on why the verb is being used - which links back to the intention.

I'd also like to point out the way I like to review poems and usually follow a repetitive anagram that may be similar to other people

V - Vocab
I - Imagery
S - Structure
I - Intention
T - Tone

(A bonus for this could be grammar/punctuation - but I expect that to be perfect most of the time)

As far as your poem goes I think it has great intention, the speaker is reticent in their own mind, with the same thoughts and ambitions that we all share, but the capitalization makes it seem like a whisper, something irrelevant. Like the speaker is suffering in some way?

I disagree with the comments about the speed, I don't like to be bombarded with pauses and time to think about what that particular line means if it's constant, but having full stops in the middle of a stanza doesn't mean you have to pause for 3 seconds every time. The poem itself isn't very long either.

Coming back to the verbs again, I think you did a great job of emphasizing the development of these 3 words and works well with the structure of the poem.

As far imagery goes, I have a couple of pointers...

The imagery was a bit blurry for me, some poets don't see it as an integral part for every poem, but a big part of literature for me is the imagery/imagination of it all. Yes I do picture a generic bully and then the speaker rising against this individual, but you've just talked about the negative things that this person has done and how submissive you've been, yet now you're talking about ambition and confidence? It moved too fast for me.

Some people complained about the word 'things' in the first stanza, the complaint is pretty unnecessary being as you only used it once.

I know you're trying to make a big deal of these 3 stages almost and I get that. If it wasn't for the slight contradiction in emotions/feelings then I wouldn't have a problem.

The stanzas seem to get stronger as we go down the page haha! I doubt that was on purpose though.

The literary devices for this piece are pretty good as well, using metaphors that don't seem laboured or forced is a good point. Sometimes poems don't need to be littered with them as long as you have the imagery and intention on point


Anyway, I didn't want to go on forever - the piece is good for a 5 minute challenge/exercise.
If you develop this idea of imagery for poems such as this one, I'll definitely be singing your praises in future.

If you have any questions/queries about my review or questions in general, be sure to contact me - happy writing!

And one more thing -

Why haven't you given me your soul ye--- just kiddin

GMills
PenmanshipPriorities

I like the idea of this a lot, especially in the choice of making everything lowercase. It just creates this character that doesn't seem sure of themselves at all, despite the fact they're saying things like "ACHIEVING MY GOALS!" "IM DONE WITH YOU!" All these direct, powerful statements that almost feel like weak-willed whispers that are hushed into a brown paper bag thanks to being all lower case. I have no idea if that was intentional or not, but even if it wasn't, it might be an interesting thing to explore in future drafts and really build upon.

Very nice use of line breaks throughout the poem like in lines 18 through 20 "reaching out for the stars, achieving my/ dreams. achieving my/ goals. ..." I love that technique myself, but my only problem with it in this piece is that it's used far too much. Using it over and over again can sometimes cause that powerful tactic to weaken and grow predictable. Think of it as a punch, you don't want to keep giving the audience the same punch over and over again, you want to give them a various amount of strong, distinct, entirely different uses of your fist throughout the poem.

My main problem with this piece is in its obsession with making moments. What I mean by that is that it's too cluttered with constant pausing and commas that are forcing every single line to powerful without any power. Essentially, speed it up. Take out everything you think is clutter and tell us, the audience, a story where we are hooked on every single line. That every single line and word in it makes up the very soul of the speaker. If a single thing were to be removed or added, it'd make the entire thing collapse. Right now, this poem doesn't have that. It's fine that it doesn't, that's the major problem with almost all first draft poems that have a reason to exist.

Keep drafting this one and please share with us the results. And after you're done with that draft, get working on the third.

Much Love,
Static Scum

Hi Kara, I'm going to try to keep this review concise for a change!

Overall, I will say I think this piece has a lot of potential but has nice aspects to start with as well.

As far as capitalization I'm going to have to disagree with the last reviewer seeing as capitalization in modern poetry is a stylistic choice. And I think the choice to leave out capital letters fit perfectly with the submissive character of the speaker in the "bowing" section and then seemed to be perfectly fitting with the more rebellious attitudes of the speaker in the following two stanzas.

Just from glancing at this it has great potential but the capitalization is horrid. My eyes are practically bleeding! A few places are in the dire requirement of the need of commas. One place like this is when your talking about telling us (the readers), what's wrong. Commas are needed through out that part. Capitalization is needed in front of every period as well, so that is a must fix. For writing this in five minutes though its flow is pretty smooth but it could be better. I do like the poem though. It's saying a lot, about how a person who is suffering from another. A person who is suffering from mental abuse. It's talking about a person who is achieving some sort of peace, tranquility, from who or what haunts them. I really like it, keep up the good work!
-tranquility

Good evening, DG. From the floor to the sky, this poetry covers a lot. Let's talk about that.

i. Bowing.

Obviously this stanza is full of submission and the language is in-line with that theme. You operate this at an average level with a technique that returns to the 'you' each time to accuse--or to admit brokenness to--the one above you. Personally, I like to think of this as a pseudo-religious piece, but it can easily operate as a person-to-person spoken word "diary" piece. What I feel I'm missing from the Bowing stanza is...water. See, this person above you is casting these aspersions on you, making your life hell, and it gives the feeling of drowning--and with the plentiful space given, I feel that some description tied in to harsh aquatic or storm imagery could be strong and effective. Powerful. Experiment and see how you feel.

ii. Standing up.

The largest issue I had with this piece is best demonstrated in stanza two, and that is the issue of flow and choppiness. I prefer to ease down the page instead of topple over the edges of line breaks, and some tender love and care will go a long way to fix this. If you're capable of finding an image that works for you, like we talked about earlier (be it aquatic/storm or not) then I'd suggest continuing it here.

iii. Flying.

This stanza is demonstrably the strongest as you've built up to it. You've laid your foundations, you've made the investment needed to bring about a just ending, AND you weave in an image that signifies victory in the eyes of poets and dreamers. This stanza is pure victory, and with that, you've accomplished your poem. Sure, the same faults remain from before, but with the change in syntax and form, a bit of star appeal...you've pulled off a satisfying ending!

I hope this helps!
Ty

Hi!
For being written in only five minutes, it's not really bad! It has a lot of potentially! For the three different stanzas, I see three different things that could be adjusted, but remember this is solely my opinion, and if you love the poem as it is, don't change it!

For stanza one: I think the three different lines you have about rumors is a little redundant. We get it that this bully/ not nice person is spreading gossip after the first line of you telling us. What other characteristics does this bully possess?

For stanza two: The only thing I don't like about this stanza is that the last line says what this there person is saying is going to break you forever, but you go in the last stanza to talk about how you are going to rise above their negativity to succeed. That's a little contradictory.

For stanza three: I'm just a tad confused... how are you achieving peace from the person who has hurt you so much?

I hope this helps and wasn't too harsh i haven't done an actual review in so long.
<3
Rascalover