Paper angel
echo of some Byzantine babe
your faux religious insinuation in
that flat gold halo.
Your wings are nothing but
magazine clippings from a
gossip section.
You're even shallower;
I made you,
cut and pasted you,
painted out some heavenly conception
in a flatness it could never be.
Still,
you hang haughtily
nose turned up and
eyes shut,
tiny hands clasped in
a paper fold of prayer
as if the secrets to worship
lie in your flattened persona.
I don't need you, or your religion
and its secrets,
set without mosaic robes
of paper thin purple.
Yet, still I leave you there
always watching me.
taking some comfort in
your condescending presence,
my collaged angel.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Personally, I find this to be a pretty well done piece. I am very nit-picky when it comes to poetry but I think you slayed this pretty well. Your expressions and imagery are nice and fun to read through. One suggestion I do have is to be careful about using big words out of context. An abundance of large words in a tiny poem can not only intimidate the reader but also stop the poems flow and takes the reader out of the spell you are creating. With a simple revision this poem could be something I would love to hear read.
hey
first of id like to say I love it great work keep it up. you have done some great work. but there are a few things you may consider fixing up ( theses are all in my option so you don't have to listen to what I have written) now rhythm is contorted which can be fixed easy. some of the lines to me seem awkward if you get what I mean it just needs touch ups it should be easy to do but great other wise keep up the work
Thanks, it's still a work in progress
. I will definitely work on rhythm, I want it to all be like the first four lines.
I think I've fixed some of the rhythm issues
Dear rhiasofia,
Hello, and thanks for the read. You have some great expressions here; the imagery is quite fun. But somtimes the rhythm is contorted because you try to overload a particular line(s). The theme of this piece is very contemporary and worth noting, even if I, personally, am not too fond of it. The statement is very clear; it's almost like daylight. Great job!
Some of the lines are awkward. You have: from a gossip section, which should just be: gossip. That's what I think. Again, there are some great lines here, but some of the stops and flows are mismatched. You are shifting inbetween making complete sentences and just fragments. This disorients me. For an example: like you have the ability to pray. This is too wordy for me.
The first four lines were fantastic. They are almost too good for the rest of the poem; please don't take that as an insult. It's that they are in a different league. Also, the mosaic line and purple were a delight to read. You show a lot of promise; try to clean up the flow of the poem so that it doesn't stagnate or trip. I am really interested in what else you have to offer to YWS. Thanks again for your mellifluous string of words. XD
Sincerely,
Z
Yeah, I totally get what you mean. THe first 4 lines started it, and I was trying to write a poem around those. I am still working on I, I put it up to get feedback on, but I want to write it all like the first four. I'll get there eventually XD. THanks for the review!
Has been edited! Hopefully it'll be a bit better now.