A Japanese Magnolia occupies my yard
delicate, barely taller than I
pencil thin ashy branches expand
little veering trails restless eyes travel.
Winter, buds appear and multiply
bundled in velvety warmth.
Modestly, fuchsia blushes out
salacious as ankles and knees flashed.
As warmth of spring dawns tentative
how she blushes now!
Though, elusive can be spring, fickle
many a year giving in to freeze again.
In these, each flower consumed by the frost
molder and wither and blush no more
properly reprimanded, that beauty falls away;
tattered, once pearly, party dresses strewn.
~
I suppose, I could maybe be like that tree,
who loved the sun so much it forgot to fear of cold
carefully, I avoid the frigidity of strangers
blushes and smiles can be feigned and distant
reserving trust for warmer ones and then
burgeon to show that hidden interior
falling open before the warmth of a sun
welcomed instead by the embrace of an icy truth
just alike, sisters even, I too shrivel
that love-struck elegance slithers farewell
a beauty gone and tarnished dark,
littering and becoming one with the ground
until I find comfort in reminders from years past;
however destitute those branches stand
someday, come winter again, buds form still
so, I will too effloresce again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey rhisofia! Alex here to review your poem!
I really enjoyed reading this! I loved the word choice to describe the events in this poem in a fresh and new way. My favourite bits were:
Very nice! And:
I love how you describe frost as buds!
Just a few things that could be improved:
You need capitals at the start of every line and a period, comma or other punctuation at the end of every line. It's one of those poetry rules that we must obey
Shouldn't that bit be "fear THE cold"?
Overall, lovely poem! Very nice imagery!
Thank you!
Um, not to be rude, but there are definitely no "poetry rules", and they most surely do not say that you must start every line with a capital and end each with punctuation. The poem that follows that "rule" would be a very rare poem. Have you never read E.E. Cummings? Talk about no rules. Even this site has a forum about reviewing poetry, and it explicitly warns against using capitalization as criterion, because there is no right way to capitalize it. Keep in mind that each line isn't a complete sentence, I use enjambment here, so several lines may be one sentence. Grammar and capitalization in poetry are very subjective, and all a matter of the poet's personal style. And, no, I made it say "fear of cold" intentionally. I liked the way it sounded.
Anyways, sorry to bit your head off about that, I really do appreciate you taking your time to review, it is just a personal pet peeve when people think poems have some kind of structural rules that must be followed. Thanks again.
Ah ok, I kind of sounded like an English Teacher there no? XD
There are rules with a few things like full stops at the end of sentences in a short but I do agree in some poetry people choose not to as their own style. Also you don't have to follow anything people say in reviews as it is your work.
Still a great poem, I enjoyed reading it.
Hello there!
This is a really nice poem, and very lengthy. However, I tend to have read as a run-on sentence due to the lack of completion of thoughts. As in, no periods, just pauses.
While I usually enjoy simplistic wording, the large vocabulary of this poem really blew me away. More so, the meaning of that vocabulary was nicely explained through the context of the rest of the poem. Nicely done on that.
This also helped with amazing description of the magnolia, as well as helped connect the similarities between you and the tree. By comparing the winter that strips the magnolia of its blossoms to the harshness of people that causes you to hide who you are, you're conveying to the reader rather nicely that there's a stark connection between certain people and certain seasons of the year.
Like I said, the only thing I really didn't like about this poem was the lack of stops. Due to the way I read things, I'd rather have sure completion of thoughts rather than everything run together. Other than that, nicely done. Keep writing!
~~Ayden
Thank you! I know the stream of consciousness flow is always either a hit or miss with people, but I love reading it so I'm practicing writing it, too. Trying to capture my inner E.E. Cummings or Mary Oliver
Thank you again