One two three
around a table
cups of tea
untouched, going cold
next to me
my sisters sobbing
faces red
and bodies shaking
memories
their parents making
One two three
can't change what they've seen
let it be
inside their own heads
next to me
they're oh so distant
sad eyed girls
are losing it fast
know this time
will not be the last
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi! Tsholdin here for a review!
I would like to start by saying that this hits VERY close to home for me.
I think the first part flows better than the last one. At the end of the first part, I could feel the pain in my heart, because my parents fight as well, but mostly because this brings up the emotions and is clearly written with emotion.
In my opinion, the second part sounds like it was not thought out as well as the first. But is still beautiful and full of emotion. I would take out the second part completely, to be completely honest. It is much longer in wordage than the one before it.
There is not much I have to say grammatically, only that the use of minimal punctuation is fantastic!
I hope that you don't take out the second part and that you keep this how it is no matter what others say, because this was written with pure emotion and heart. And thats the way it should be.
We are only here, atleast I know I am, to tell you what we think and what we would do, not to tell you what to do and how to think.
I would love to see more like this from you, because this hits very close to home for me.
May your days be successful and meaningful,
-TH
I'm really glad that I'm able to write something that other people can feel and relate to as much as me. That is the best kind of compliment I could ask for. Though I'm sorry you have to deal with it, it is comforting to here others who know what it's like and to think I could write something that holds any meaning. Thank you so much.
.Best of luck to you with your family, I know just how it can be.
Yeah, I agree about the second part, and I'm trying to edit it so that it fits the rhyme scheme of the first. I'm hesitant to edit until the next time I'm in as blue of a mood, though, cause I don't want to lose emotion for a better rhyme scheme.
Thanks again for all the great words. This has definitely been the most meaningful review I've ever gotten. And trust me, you'll hear a lot more like this. I have a lot written, just no points to publish
I love this piece, mainly because I've been there, felt that. This piece shows a real-life problem with parents and their fighting around kids. I love the 3535 rhythm, the fact you where able to keep that going, while adding the emotion the thought to your work. Some of the words stick out more then I think they should, but non the less its a very well written work of Poetry. I like how you show the emotion with the others watching the fight how you see it, the real-life poetry are the strongest I see, the way people can connect to the effect that the kids are having because of the fight.
A very nice piece, I say keep writing and would love to read more by you
Hello there, Subtle here for a review! Ah, argument between parents in front of children. This is a feeling I only know too well, and in here you have captured it almost perfectly with your words. I say also perfectly, because some of the rhythm in here is a bit off but the general idea of this poem is good. You have captured that feeling of frustration inside children when their parents argue so often, but they can't do anything about it. You have done this situation justice, by capturing the coldness and tension in the air. The sadness in the girl's eyes and that this, is not the first nor last time. Is this based on real experience, it seems like it because it has that realistic feel to it. So in terms on getting your message across, I think you've done a fair job.
Alright, let's get it over with the nitpicks:
The rhythm here seems to be, 3 words, 5 words, 3 words, 5 words. It seems like you've put some thought into this. But there are still words out of place.
So, I've highlighted the parts that seemed out of place with the rhythm here, the sentences are short here which is a good thing. Because there is always a steady beat with short sentences, but when you have longer sentences. It disrupts the flow. But I can't tell you what to do here, because you decided on the 3535 rhythm. So maybe you want to change it, or maybe you won't. Is just my opinion.
I think this should be a separate stanza, because it stands out differently with the second stanza. And if you separate it, is much more dynamic on its own. So, overall. I liked it, and I hope I wasn't too harsh on you.
Best of luck in your future writings!
-S.s
Hi rhiasofia.
)
)
You can still edit this to make it better, if you want.
First of all, welcome to YWS.
I found this work very real-life thing. It's emotional too. And I love it because of that.
Is this something personal thing? if you don't mind.. because if it is.. then great job, it manifests to your work.
Well, I love the idea of yours. However, I found some, I think, that you can still work on. I think some part of it doesn't go well with the flow. Though it was like a 3-5-3-5 rhythm, sometimes words doesn't really fit to create good flow. Don't worry, it really happens to us. I even find some of my work like this. haha.
Anyway just like what I said, i really love this. A short yet great. Keep doing poems and other literary works, that's how we live. hehe. That's all for now. God bless you and your family.
- dangerdanger
Thanks, for the welcome and the nice review. Yes, it is personal, pretty much all of my poems are. That's why I chose the 3, 5 syllable pace, there's 5 people in my family, I'm one of three siblings. So, I put a lot of thought into that, and I know some of the words don't fit. It's still a work in progress, but I was more worried about the story than the flow. Thank you again!
Oohh.. then I was right from what I thought..
) anyway.. keep writing great works my fellow. You are blessed~ 
)
I think this is very well written, and that the idea is good. However there are some things that can be worked on. The first thing and most important, is the flow. Your flow is off here, and it shows.
"One two three
around a table
cups of tea
untouched, going cold
tear-stained eyes"
You start off really good, you create a lovely flow and a rhythm. But it is also the end of your flow and rhythm. You start off with the beat of three one -two -three -around a table(one two)- cups of tea (three) - untouched, going cold (one two) - tear-stained eyes..." This last line can either be three or the second beat depending on what the next line is. But the next line breaks the flow completely. It also rhymes every other line which makes it sound complete. But that next line also breaks that rhyme. However, you pick it up again at the last three lines, and start the one two three, things again. It makes the reader think they read something wrong, and reread the beginning, but they didn't read something wrong, it was written that way. The rest of your poem also doesn't go back to the rhyme, the rhythm or the beat you had created in the beginning which makes it lacking in continuity.
However, all in all, your idea and your poem was well done, just they way you wrote it could have been improved upon. Keep writing, look it over and either continue with that beat and rhythm you started, and the rhyming of every other line, or get rid of it completely. I don't understand other than to start the beat, what the one two three is for, so I wouldn't recommend you get rid of the beat. I just suggest you go back and write to the beat of one two three.
Keep writing
~ Nightlyowl