Little lizard, curled and cold,
shriveled in the shadows;
Skin-
still green, but glass eyes stare
off into nothing.
The little girl
who held you close
and cried for you in life
must not see you in death,
beneath the leaves of
her blossoming blooms.
Buried forever, you will always be,
part of
Her Lovely Earth
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Wow, this is truly beautiful. I can picture the little girl, cradling the little lizard. The lizard was a great choice, since most people wouldn't consider it cute or worth pondering over, but in the eyes of a child, every bit of life is worth it.
I like that she buried it in the flowers.
Of course, there are some typos, but I'm not sure if they are your fault or YMS's publishing program's fault, it has a lot of issues.
But other than the typos, it's a really cute poem, and I like it a lot. I can't pick a favorite part, it's all good, but if I had to, I'd say
"Must not see you
in death, beneath the leaves of
her blossoming blooms."
Death with new life. Very poetic.
Thank you rhiasofia!
Hi! I like the title of this poem, and this part especially -
"Little lizard, curled and cold,
shriveled in the shadows;
Skin-
still green, but glass eyes stare
off into nothing."
It's painted well, so to speak, and quite meaningful at the end. Overall, well done!
What I'd like to suggest is this: consider shifting the lines around a bit, not the actual content but how they are positioned. For example:
"The little girl
who held you close and cried
for you in life Must not see you
in death, beneath the leaves of
her blossoming blooms."
perhaps try this instead:
"The little girl
who held you close
and cried for you in life
Must not see you
in death, beneath
the leaves of her
blossoming blooms."
~
Also - the last line sounds somewhat awkward, which could be remedied by removing the comma after "be".
I hope you find my advice useful, thanks for posting this!
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!
I took your advice and shifted it slightly. Must ask, though, I left the very last line alone, even though it makes the second to last sentence very short and abrupt. I feel it gives more power to the last line. Would you agree, or do you think it would be better if "part of Her Lovely Earth" were one sentence? Sorry, you just give good technical advice
I agree with you - the way you have it now works beautifully!
Great, thanks!
I liked this as it was a sort of nice and brief poem that was pretty realistic and easily understandable which makes it very reader friendly as they're not stuck for ages trying to get the gist of the poem.
The level of detail was very well done and it used a nice amount of visual imagery that was easily understandable like the first 2 lines you can really just picture in your mind with ease.
The poem does seem like it was something that has happened to perhaps you before in real-life or it could just as well happen to anybody quite easily as I believe what the poem is representing is a lizard that is just about to pass away and the owner (the little girl) is quite distraught about the lizard passing away as it meant a lot to her.
Overall the poem was well executed as it was brief and easy to understand and although there was a sad element inside it at the same time it's showing how the lizard will never be forgotten, it will always be there part of the Earth. I liked it a lot I think as an improvement/challenge you could try making it longer, not by a whole lot make sure they are understandable and moderately brief but adding in 5 or so more lines is really going to help the detail and show of some true emotions and themes to the poem.
Ben Gillies
Thanks! If I can think of anything else that really works to expand it, without making it too much, I surely will. Couldn't find the words to make it better, but it is still a work in progress.
I liked this as it was a sort of nice and brief poem that was pretty realistic and easily understandable which makes it very reader friendly as they're not stuck for ages trying to get the gist of the poem.
The level of detail was very well done and it used a nice amount of visual imagery that was easily understandable like the first 2 lines you can really just picture in your mind with ease.
The poem does seem like it was something that has happened to perhaps you before in real-life or it could just as well happen to anybody quite easily as I believe what the poem is representing is a lizard that is just about to pass away and the owner (the little girl) is quite distraught about the lizard passing away as it meant a lot to her.
Overall the poem was well executed as it was brief and easy to understand and although there was a sad element inside it at the same time it's showing how the lizard will never be forgotten, it will always be there part of the Earth. I liked it a lot I think as an improvement/challenge you could try making it longer, not by a whole lot make sure they are understandable and moderately brief but adding in 5 or so more lines is really going to help the detail and show of some true emotions and themes to the poem.
Ben Gillies