Little feet sunk into sandy brooks.
Fin fingers find shells
past the glass, come up streaming
strands of sea and sand
while bubbles form fine mirrors
in wrinkles of skin.
Little streaks of lightning fish,
nibbling at toes,
but she is alone.
Nobody knows
when the current sings faster
and water flows deeper,
that sweet lily goes under.
For days, she will swim
through the marshy reeds
before she is found
and the guppies will eat her toes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I love this poem! It's very beautiful and I love the imagery. My favorite part was the fifth and sixth lines. I keep 're-reading them. You have so much talent! Keep writing!!
So beautiful, I love this
Aww, thanks so much!
Oh wow, I love this poem so much. The imagery you created with your use of metaphors is just incredible. Its also amazing how you fitted so much into such a short poem; you didn't waste a single line either.
I really like how to used the fish nibbling/ eating her feet twice in the poem, it really adds something to how the poem ends, i can't quite explain it but I works so well.
My favourite line has to be 'For days, she will swim' because you turned what would normally be a sweet nice line into something very dark.
Amazing poem; I'll definitely have a read of some of the other poems you have
TI
Thank you so much, I'm glad you like it!
Love the imagery in your poem, especially the description of "strands of sea and sand." Great poem!
Hey Rhiasofia.
"strands of sea and sand" Okay what do you mean by STRANDS OF SEA?
"Lightning fish"? Is this a special kind of fish I would be better maybe if you said "Lightning fast fish" though that sounds a little long winded.
Also I doubt the right word Is "swim" maybe float or go but swim makes it sound like she is swimming.
I hope it helped, though I don't see you trying to get a point across to me or and overall plot line to it, though I think if you tried it would work very well.
~Jonathan~
its poetry. You use figurative language.
Maybe its just personal opinion, but I think it may make it flow better.
Sorry, my response was very curt. It was first thing in the morning, so I was cranky. I do appreciate you taking the time to review.
By STRANDS OF SEA, I mean that the water and sand is streaming out from her hands, and the way it streams looks like strands. It's supposed to make it more interesting, rather than just saying "the water streams out of her hands"
Lightning fish is supposed to be a metaphor. They're little tiny, fast, silvery fish, so they're "lightning" fish. Again, just meant to sound nicer, cause like you said, lightning fast fish is very long winded.
The plot line is a little girl who drowns in the river. The end.
I did't think of it that way well if I had seen it that way before my review would have been zilch.
I am not great at plot.
Rawr! Ladcat here for a review!
This poem sounds good enough to be one of the poems we read in Honors English! I wouldn't be surprised to find it among the pages of our Poetry Analysis packet, back-to-back with Langston Hughes and Edgar Allen Poe. It was beautiful, it was symbolic, it was full of imagery, and yet the message was conveyed effectively in seventeen modest lines! Your flow and rhythm was so good that it didn't matter that there was no rhyme scheme. Your free verse was superb, I'm telling you, superb! I can't find anything to nitpick... Woah. Wait a sec. Did I just say... *goes back and reads own sentence again*.
Yup. I just said it.
That's a novel concept; there being nothing to complain about. I'm usually pessimistic enough to find something, but... Wow. You've just about blown my mind. Thanks for a mind-blowing read, and as always, keep writing!
Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, to be compared with both Poe and Hughes in one review is...surreal. This was such a nice review, I'm so glad to have been able to impress a pessimistic reviewer. Definitely the best review I've gotten to date.