here's to you, dear
and to fingertips persistent, tied
in heart shaped knots
here's to you, sweet, with
those ever-present strong arms
easing my tremors
here's to us, darling
for chasing out the villainous uncertainties
which did so restrain love
So, here's to you, love
it is under your mystery that I smile
for your eyes are (the secret of) life
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140,699 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
This piece has lots of descriptive wording and interesting literary choices. Some other reviews I saw commented on your capitalization and order of words, but i disagree. In fact, the lack of capitalization for most of the poem shows the simplicity and gradual lead to importance of the last stanza. Also, in the last stanza, I really like the use of parenthesis. The last line could be read as "for your eyes are the secret of life" as if you need to look into their eyes to unlock the mystery of life, OR as "for your eyes are life" as if you cannot live without seeing them. This was beautifully written and your love for the subject of this piece is admirable.
I really liked it. It was really good. Easy to understand and read. I like the way the words seem to flow together. I like how it seems as though you are expressing a tiny part of a story. The imagry is strong and clear. I loved how the story was understandable and flowed together like a river. "here's to us, darling for chasing out the villainous uncertainties..." I think is my favorite part. It is really strong wording and has more meaning than old boring words. Good job, Good luck, and keep on writing
Thank you so much!
Hey! Snorlax here for a review! (My first!)
First of all, i think this is a great poem! Nice topic, but thatere are alot of minor issues.
Capitalization. There is like, none. It would just make it look more presentable and nicer.
"here's to you, dear"
This might just be me but i think it would look nicer as just
Here is to you dear,
And to fingertips persistant,
Tied in heart shaped knots.
And ect, ect, ect.
In my opinion, periods and commas in the middle of a line,
Just does not look right.
Also the words that are in parentheses, they would look better with out the parentheses.
Other then that, excellent job!
Keep Writing!
-Snorlax :3
Wow, this is so cool! I love a lot of the phrasing in this, and the imagery is really interesting. I especially love the first verse; I feel like it's definitely the strongest out of the four. Now, onto criticism!
After the first verse, I feel like you lose a bit of your voice. The second verse feels weaker, sadder. Is it meant to be? I would suggest giving it a bit more of a playful air. Since there's not a lot of a rhyme scheme, I'd really love if you started each verse with a term of endearment, like you did for the first and last verses.
In the third verse, I feel like you get a little bit off-topic and unclear (especially with the "we've dug their graves" part). I'd suggest changing a couple lines to make the phrase more understandable and relateable.
Lastly, for the last verse, I'm unsure of why you have "are" and "life" in parenthesis? It would make sense if there were parenthesis in the rest of the poem, but just having the two rogue ones there is a little bit confusing.
Otherwise, I do quite love this. Thanks so much for writing!
(Oops, this was meant to be a review, I must not have clicked the button thing...sorry!)
Thanks! Yeah, the second was meant to be a little sadder, but that one stanza is still undecided, I kinda got stuck on it.
. Thanks again!
I think I will add the terms of endearment to the other two, good idea.
I tried something different
I did that so that the words "are life" would stick out, but I feel like it wasn't working how I wanted it to, so I changed it a bit.
You're very welcome. And if you get the chance, I'd love to know if the changes are any better
I think the changes are great.
No problem!
(Ugh! I meant to post this as a review! Oh well.)
Would it be wrong to post it again,
As a review?
No, go ahead and post it again, I don't mind. As for capitalization and all that, they tell you not to review based on that because it is entirely subjective when it comes to poetry. Same with commas and period placement, too, they are in the middle of the sentence because I'm using enjambment. And the parenthesized words are like that to stand out, you'll note that it becomes "are life" w/ just the parenthesized words. Thanks for taking time to review, though, I do appreciate it.
Sorry I'm new to reviewing so i literally have no idea what I'm doing.
Good good. and great concept
Thanks!