Wait. Stop the movie.
It freezes, a snapshot of
two youths. Their hands
are twined slightly, coming
undone at the fingers.
I step into the scene, move
closer peering and wondering.
They wear our faces but
they aren't us;
they are paper cut-outs,
thin and fading
and already peeling away.
I tip you over and you
blow away like yesterday's news
I wonder when the last time
either of us showed the other the truth was.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Ooh, I like this. Love the idea, and very well executed. I particularly like the way you cut to the chase with the first few lines ("two youths" is so short but tells us just what we need to know). I like the "peeling away", too, although I'm not sure what the paper is peeling away from. "Yesterday's news" is great because it conveys how the relationship is just worn out, grown too old, past its sell-by date, but it works as a visual, too, of a newspaper blowing by. Love it! It also reminded me of the song "Streets of London" by Ralph McTell, the first verse of which describes an old man kicking at "yesterday's papers, telling yesterday's news". I like, too, the way the hands are "coming undone at the fingers" -- again, a great visual with double meaning. Great stuff. As for things I'm less sure about... well, I wanted a comma between "closer" and "peering". And I thought the last two lines weren't as good as the rest of the poem; they were too cliche, too boring given the interesting body of the poem. Although I agree something is needed where those two lines are. Did I mention I love love love the line breaks in this? I do. And it's a perfect length. Thanks for a good read!
-Sophie
Thanks! I'm glad you like it. Hmm, haven't heard that song, I'll have to go listen to it. I will add that comma in there. Yeah, the last two lines are still up in the air, they said what I wanted to say but just didn't fit the rest of the poem, so asa soon as I think of someting
. Thanks again!
I like this, the way it starts off really grabs your attention. Also like the way you've described stepping into the movie, like you're looking at something very closely. 'They wear our faces but they aren't us' I really like this line, it feels like you're trying to describe how the relationship has changed, and it's well enforced with 'thin and fading'. One nitpick, the last line 'either of showed the other the truth was' should be 'either of us showed the other what the truth was'.
Brilliant work, keep it up!
thanks, fixed it
Hiya, Griff here to review!
Wow, lovely piece. I really love the thought that you put into this. The imagery that you created is really amazing. It is short and sweet, and my favorite stanza is;
I am just in love with the imagery in this.
The only comment I have is with the last line. The build up to it is so great, I was expecting a sentence to rock my world. But...honestly, it made no sense. I'm not sure if it's a typo or if you made a grammatical error but I really don't understand what you are saying.
Could you explain this to me? I don't get it at all.
Other than that, which was disappointing, because it has SO much potential, this poem is beautiful. Fix up that last line, and I think this deserves a featured work title.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks! I forgot the "us" in the last line, I fixed it, so it might make more sense now.
Awesome much better.
This is an interesting poem. Actually, it's really good. Its about a person admitting that in their relationship ( whether past or present, I cannot tell) things were pretty bad. It could be that the person is staring at a photograph or a literal paper cutout of the two. Or it's just a memory, which I believe more than the others. It could be that at first this person was doubting their decision or thoughts in3ir relationship because they are watching the cutouts. The peeling away could signify the fading of feelings already apparent in the relationship. Overall, the message is that this relationship that the narrator was/is in sucked eggs. okay, that's my analysis.
I believe you omitted the word "us" (after either of) in the very last line on accident, right?
I really liked the line " they wear our faces, but they aren't us ". So powerful, so powerful.
This is a really awesome poem. Happy Writing!
Yes, thanks for pointing that out! To be honest, the relationship that inspired this was great, but the last week was bad enough to end up with this. So you pretty much got it.