I love the day best when it is still
in the darkness of the early morning
when although the dark is present
it is not the eerie opacity of the night,
but rather an anxious tension,
like the world is waiting impatiently
to see if the sun will rise again.
That kind of darkness, one could hide in
so I do, cloaking myself in it, I step gingerly
each blade of grass frosted over with dew
which slicks the soles of my feet and draws
gasp after exhilarated gasp from parted lips
as the joyous chill condensates on skin.
I simply enjoy it for now.
When the sun rises, the dew will be
burnt away into the air and lost in our lungs,
and the cool comfort is chased away,
to be replaced with a world grumbling
with life and busy bustling bedlam.
All are things I dread, so I anxiously wait
and hope that the sun doesn't rise.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this piece. it made me aware of how peaceful the world really is before the sun rises and the people wake. You have made such a simple piece stand out to me. The use of the words you chose helped the message become clear. I can relate to what this is saying because i have so many times wished to return to night, where the world is silent for a moment. The worries, anxieties, and the fears seem to subside for just a few short hours until the sun rises allowing all of that to be re instilled into our minds. Thanks for writing a great poem!
Flame here, as promised! Apologies in advance for any strangely-phrased phrasings. My Wednesday agenda's gotten a bit larger than expected.
Your name keeps popping up in the Spotlight, so suffice to say, I'm intimidated. I don't feel like I deserve to critique this. Somehow you've snared my dread for sunrise, and my attention along with it, and translated it into a seamlessly-flowing poem. The imagery's simple but complex...if that makes any sense. Just strong enough to paint a picture, just subtle enough to drag emotion from the reader's heart. I also appreciate that there's no rhyme scheme. Night's naturally enigmatic, accompanied by such potent darkness. And then there's the sun, stitching threads of time together, orderly and organized. My favorite lines:
The dew's reflective of night, which's characterized by moonlight, and which burns into the air at dawn. I also like to imagine that its beauty, its serenity just fades into our lungs with the air.
So...I'm generally against punctuation, since it tends to slice the flow, but here, I'd recommend more. Some expressions' meanings began intertwining, like a collage of colors that don't quite mix: red and purple, blue and orange.
A comma's required after "in."
A colon's required after "still."
Comma after "morning."
You get the gist. So...let's slide into capitalization. I think you were forming your punctuation around it? Trying to stick to capitalizing the beginning of each stanza, with the exception of the last? But I love the rules you followed.
No comma's necessary after "darkness." I also feel like this part's kind of broken, like the two lines aren't connected. Some punctuation and capitalization could cure this:
This seems kind of abrupt. Like it was just thrown in there to establish a seven-lines-per-stanza theme. I'd suggest just extending the previous sentence.
That's all I have. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!
Aww, thanks so much! I'm glad I managed to write it in a way that so many others could relate
Thanks, those are really good punctuation improvements. I will definitely come back and edit with your review at hand. Thank you for reviewing, I really appreciate all that you put into it
No problem! It was a fabulous poem.
I love this! There have been many times where I wish the quiet, twilight hours before morning could persist forever, and you've captured that sensation beautifully with your poem. I love your imagery and the way you capture the feeling of excitement and joy. The only suggestion I've got for you is really very tiny. In your final stanza there is a line that says "burnt away into our air and lost in our lungs," that just seems a little odd to me. I would simply change the first "our" to "the" to avoid this, so it reads "burnt away into the air and lost in our lungs." This takes away the repetitive factor and I also think it flows more naturally. Wonderful poem!
Thank you! Oof, that was just a typo, thanks for catching it. I'll change that ASAP
Hello, dear. Thomas here for a review!
I really loved your imagery throughout this piece. You really gave the dark feeling to this poem that it needed, but the darkness felt bright in a way - if that makes any sense - and that's what I really liked about it. It was so optimistic about such a dark time.
I really loved these two lines.
"When the sun rises, the dew will be
burnt away into our air and lost in our lungs,"
That image is just so well done. You give a very romanticized feeling toward the dark and it's very soothing to read. The ending really gave me the feeling that I was connected to what was going on in this piece, even though I'm just the reader. Very well done.
The breaks and punctuation are flawless, too. M'dear, you have it mastered how to utilize punctuation in a poem marvelously.
Fantastic job on this poem, and I look forward to reading more!
Aww, thanks so much. You definitely got exactly what I was trying to convey
. I really appreciate the compliments, and I am glad you liked it!