His fingers wrap about my wrist,
tips my hand until it spills across the table to him,
diaphenous skin chalked up blue with veins,
darkening against his inexorable fingers.
Slow, almost tenderly sliding away
to uncover the paper my hand perched upon.
His fingers rest right at the juncture,
above the thrumming of my being
and I hope that he can't hear
how my body hums and buzzes
for a continuation of that nearness,
hope he can't feel the song that bubbles
further and higher before escaping
between my lips aloft a sigh.
Then the touch is gone all too quick yet
not quite soon enough.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Before I begin, I want to say I love how it starts out and there is some questioning about what is happening, and as it ends, the scene becomes more clear. That was something that really grabbed my attention. Next, your choice of words was astounding. You have an extended vocabulary, and that is an important and beautiful quality. Along with how well you can string those words together. I could see this occurring in my mind. You painted a clear and enticing picture with your poem. The way it beats at my heart is a wonderful feeling not everything can achieve. I want to say congratulations on the magnificent poem, and I can't wait to see what else you produce.
Ahoy! Retro here for a review!
I'm not going to give you a massive review because I don't think this poem needs it so it'll just be a few comments
Your vocab is of an extremely high register here and I think it is beautifully used. But, just bear in mind your audience. A lot of people will understand it but some won't so don't be down heartened if this doesn't get many reviews! But it is beautifully written and constructed.
Grammatically speaking this is really decent, no spelling mistakes as far as i can tell so well done on that front.
I would like to briefly talk about how beautiful this poem is. Your entire concept is flawless, and your execution sublime. The idea of uncertainty at the end. Not quite soon enough makes the poem seem beautiful, especially when accompanied with your high brow vocabulary because it would seem as though this poem could fit into the same idea so bravo! Your imagery of the song bubbling I love as well, I think it is so, well, poetic. I don't have a better word to describe it but it is beautifully done.
I cannot fault this poem,
it is beautiful.
Well done,
~Retro
I am guessing you are older than me. Anywho, (remember me?) onto the review!
Compliments! I really like you're word choice! I don't even know what diaphenous means! I also like the last half of the story, the repeated word hope? Really nice touch (get it? Touch? because your story? I'm hilarious!) Lastly, I like the atmosphere you have set. I think the words you use perfectly describe what you are trying to get at.
Criticisms! I do not like the how you described the song that bubbles further and higher. I believe that those words disrupt the flow of the story and (correct me if I'm wrong) are not proper grammar. I also dislike the first part of the story. I believe the diaphenous skin chalked up blue with veins. I do not understand this sentence and if it has to do with age I believe it is misleading.
Thats it! Keep writing!
Of course I remember you! Well, if you're as old as your brother I am a few years older than you. How can you tell?
Thanks! Diaphenous means gauzy and translucent FYI. Haha, very funny.
I don't think its improper grammar, but I can see why it's kind of disruptive. I'll probably try to find better words. It's not really about age, it's just using florid poetic-y language to describe something as simple as a wrist.
Thanks for reviewing!