The little plastic polar bear stands,
snarling on the shelf and
I don't
think one could even tell you how
he came to be reigning there
maw wide, fierce, yet
those plastic eyes are just plain scared.
Three wooden dolls flank him;
tiny peg bodies hand-
painted with glossy gauzy femininity.
They are nothing more than a dress
topped with a hollow head,
no arms or legs with which to move
eyes won't open mouth neither
and I think
they are so hopeless, probably
painted by a man who
thought it beneficial to be pretty,
immobile and mute.
Helpless.
His roar is eternal
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello Rhia!
I'm back again, and so this poem amused me greatly and I love the details in this. I adored the poem ^_^ I think it tells a wonderful story of how we can get so attached and emotional about these little toys and we essentially breathe life into objects, no? Even though they're just toys, they feel human to us, they have a story for us, and the story in this particular poem seems to be about how these toys are suffering because they've had horrible designers, lol xD One toy has no arms and another has a large gaping jaw. Awwww. That's what I got out of this, anyway! Lemme know if that's more or less what you intended!
So, I took a look at "Iniquities" before this one (and it's almost like you delivered in this poem exactly what I was looking for in Iniquities xD), and what I loved about this poem is that it is a microscope. You really zero-in on these small details and breathed a story into them.
I promise you, you don't need this:
So for that last line in the penultimate stanza-- immobile and mute, we already understand that they're helpless, so I don't think you need it. It's that three hammers thing again, say it once, say it right.
Now, there's a reason I think this poem would be tenfolds stronger without that last stanza. I think the last stanza is getting into preachy-zone. It's telling me what the message of the poem is, and I don't think it's necessary. When we read poems, we read them for enjoyment, we read it to see something interesting, for a story, to broaden our perspectives.
The way we broaden our perspectives is done *more* through storytelling (or story crafting because show/donttell) and *less* through message-telling. Think about it this way: every story has a message *ingrained* into its fabric, every single one. By tacking on a message onto a story, you're giving us two helpings of messages that are overloading the story. If you just concentrate on story, I promise a reader is going to pick up on a message one way or another.
And this poem does have an amazing story: you've given us a microscopic look into these toys, into how they're made, and from the observer's view, we are getting empathy. The observer empathizes with these toys and by doing so breathes life into them and makes them humanesque. The poem is beautiful because of this. And that tells me a heckuva lot more in so many ways without ever *telling* us, but by *showing* us through the beautiful portrait and details that you've crafted from the lens and point of view of the speaker -- and that -- is what poetry is all about. Sincerely and utterly, with a little tweaking this can be a contest piece.
The fact that we get this story wrapped up into the title "Tchotchkes" tells us what a tchotchke is and what it means and its significance in relation to us, the fact that we hold so much emotions and love into these little baubles, that's huge. My favorite poem I've read in a long, long while, thank you
The last line: His roar is eternal, ehhhhh.
The toy isn't actually roaring, which is why roar bothers me. Maybe you can say something akin to saying a "silent scream" or a cry for help?
Also hand-painted, why break the line? I know there's prolly a reason for it which is why I'm not too concerned about it and I'm just making minor gripes. Maybe see if another reviewer found it distracting or not, I know that I had to re-read the line, but since I got it immediately afterwards, I'm not altogether bothered by it.
I hope this helps. Lemme know if you want to chat this up.
~ as always, Audy
Okay, thanks so much. That was the bit where I was really unsure of it. I liked just having the toys, but I felt like it would be lost on others and that it needed something behind it. Now that I know that it's stronger without it, I'll cut it.
Thank you, I'm so glad you like it so much. That's really exciting.
Yeah, the eternal roar just was something that I thought of when tacking on the extra stanza. Still not sure.
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get down to business.
I love the childish feeling during this poem. I imagine this all taking place on a bookshelf in a little girl's room. I'm just confused on what this symbolizes. What do the dolls and the bear stand for? At the end I got lost because couldn't the dolls not move? Hence immobile? At climate controlled hell I started to think "Is this bear about to die?" I mostly have questions. Maybe depending on what ever point you had behind this, you could make that clearer. Just a few nitpicks. Sometimes it sounds like you're talking very casually to a friend and then you throw in poetic words. I think you meant to be more of the second so I'll point out where you can sound less casual
"think anyone knows how he even got there" For a start, you could omit 'even'. But this could be more intricate if you said something like "think one person knows how he was placed there" or "think one person knows when he arrived" etc.
"those plastic eyes are just plain scared" The word 'plain' makes the following word seem exactly that, so when you say plain scared it's not like you would say to someone in real life. In summary, I would change this phrase to "those plastic eyes are (visibly/hauntingly/vividly?) scared"
"eyes won't open mouth won't " was there a mistake here? Or did you mean their mouths won't open or move? You could simply change the format of this to improve it. "eyes and mouths won't open" or something like that.
Hope this helped, have a nice day!
~Purple
Hey Purple. I know, it's kind of odd. It's kind of hard to explain, but it does have a greater meaning to me, but was literally inspired by some random little toys we have lying about in our foyer. I just tied them to a greater meaning to me. I know it's worded kind of not well, I changed some stuff around and will probably further rearrange as I edit more. Thanks for reviewing!
Kat here to review!
Third stanza : "eyes won't open mouth won't "
I think you meant "Eyes won't open, mouth won't either."
Or something like that.. it was cut short there.. just a grammatical problem, not to worry (Well kind of to worry but yeah).
Last Stanza : "The bear just wonders
why is his desperation
not enough to gain pity"
I believe it should be:
"The bear just wonders
why his desperation is
not enough to gain pity."
That way, it flows better, right?
"guidance to get him
from that climate-
controlled hell."
I believe you should use a better word than "get" to describe it.. I don't know.. those last few lines just didn't make sense to me, and I kind of got it and I kind of didn't.
Love the beginning, loved the ending. You use great imagery and put a lot of thought to this poem, keep on writing!